Genuinely, the frequency at which this is starting to happen is making me think people don't believe when others genuinely express empathy. Maybe I'm overthinking that, but I wanted to say this. - ThreadSky

techconnectify.bsky.social • 120 days ago

Genuinely, the frequency at which this is starting to happen is making me think people don't believe when others genuinely express empathy.

Maybe I'm overthinking that, but I wanted to say this.

Comments

antoinelavoisier.bsky.social•120 days ago

I believe people feel bad. But then see them feeling bad, but they can’t really do anything to help me, so, I want to release them from their anguish, and also at a certain point if I’m not getting closer to my goal, it’s time for both of us to move on—

patrickcentral.bsky.social•120 days ago

I see the rise in that pattern as well, but it strikes me as like “don’t imperil yourself over something you have no control over, it’s bad enough that one of us is imperiled”

More “save your empathy dollars for a more impactful situation” which is still certainly dire

Just my take

odiseth.pmd.social•120 days ago

I mean, at least here in Kansas, yeah it’s becoming a lot less believable that “I’m sorry” is a true expression of empathy. People out here say it on impulse and it often feels far more than sympathy than empathy. I’ve started trying to say “that sucks” or similar cause it’s more often received

terraulran.bsky.social•120 days ago

The people I talk to who say that generally mean it as a reassuring "don't worry too much, I don't need a lot of help with it right now".

terraulran.bsky.social•120 days ago

Thus "It's not your fault" that you missed it/aren't currently helping.

techconnectify.bsky.social•120 days ago

I honestly feel like that's introducing some sort of gamesmanship to the act of basic human interaction.

magicaltrevor.bsky.social•120 days ago

The "I'm sorry" phrasing has never comfortably fit, in my mind, for empathy. It should get its own word which isn't synonymous with "remorseful"

techconnectify.bsky.social•120 days ago

Now we might be getting into US-English vs. rest-of-the-world English because quite literally sorry is not always synonymous with remorse.

The first definition in Merriam-Webster is "feeling sorrow or sympathy"

meiliyinhua.bsky.social•120 days ago

As a serial apologizer for things I don't actually need to apologize for, I just assumed that it was just ppl close to me thinking that it was a case if the former

They usually get it when I say it's a sympathy apology

wood-mousse.bsky.social•120 days ago

You might be on to something, but in the generous case, I think it might just be people making a little joke to lighten the mood, deflect, or simply try to move on in the conversation

derachi.com•120 days ago

Flaw of the English language. “I’m sorry” means both “I did a bad thing and have remorse” and “a bad thing happened to you, unrelated to me, and I’m expressing empathy.” That’s two different things!

We need more phrases!!!

techconnectify.bsky.social•120 days ago

eh, I think we've been handling homonyms just fine until now, there's something about reading into intent here I think

lousywords.com•120 days ago

I’m fond of saying “empathy is a skill” and I mean that in both directions. People have to work at having empathy and receiving the results of others having empathy.

A lot of things contribute to stunting the growth of empathy. But we can still learn and practice it if we make the effort.

averkoswolf.bsky.social•120 days ago

I respond with "not your fault" at expressions of empathy as a way to absolve them of a perceived obligation of empathy.

I am not sharing something sorrowful or frustrating or otherwise distressing out of an attempt to demand empathy in response to it; a reflexive empathic response is not my goal.

averkoswolf.bsky.social•120 days ago

E.G: This thing that happened is not your fault, so I do not demand or otherwise expect your empathy, but it is appreciated. Please do not feel that you are required to provide emotional support; I'll be okay.

This view of it is likely just a result of my particular experience of the world.

sav.estate•120 days ago

I usually say “It’s okay, it’s not your fault” if they say “I’m sorry” to make sure they know to not feel guilty if no explicit supporting context that it’s just an expression of empathy is given (probably an autistic trait) but either way, I am aware of their empathy, even if I use that response.

sav.estate•120 days ago

This is just my own personal experience however, and of course I can’t speak to the greater population.

sav.estate•120 days ago

I don’t reject the empathy however, if that might be implied anywhere in my decision tree, and don’t put up barricades to accept it. This is usually just a small moment surrounded by me and the other party being vulnerable with each other.

ravagetalon.net•120 days ago

Its 100% true. People are becoming less likely to receive empathy. My therapist mentioned this. The world at large has become so dog-eat-dog that we're becoming conditioned to believe that no one cares.

therian.cat•120 days ago

I feel this very much

celia-eels.bsky.social•120 days ago

With respect, I think you may be overthinking a bit. Like the people who read into saying “no problem” instead of “you’re welcome” in response to “thank you.”

The linguistic role it fills is “standard polite thing to say” regardless of the meaning of the words outside of that context.

techconnectify.bsky.social•120 days ago

I know exactly what you mean, but still find it distinctly different.

I don't quite have my finger on why, but "no problem" is usually in response to a thanks for an action where as "not your fault" feels like *rejection* of an offering.

celia-eels.bsky.social•120 days ago

Do you think you feel the same way in hypothetical situations where the empathy is genuine but fairly superficial? (“Oh you got stuck in traffic and missed morning donuts? That sucks, I’m so sorry” “hey, not your fault”) Or only in situations where the empathy is quite serious and deeply felt?

techconnectify.bsky.social•120 days ago

It's more intense in the latter but it's still there

I guess this stems from people assuming that "sorry" indicates there's some blame somewhere which... it just doesn't. Literally the dictionary definition of "sorry" begins with "feeling sorrow or sympathy"

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sorry

celia-eels.bsky.social•120 days ago

Of course people’s internalized definitions won’t always line up with the dictionary, but it’s a reasonable point. I think the smoother response would be some form of “I appreciate that.”

meditativeraccoon.bsky.social•119 days ago

I empathize deeply with this

amyhoy.bsky.social•120 days ago

i’ve replied this way, but only when it seems like somebody did feel responsible or bad in some way on top of sympathy

it can be both!

fruv.bsky.social•120 days ago

This kinda seems like a 'you're welcome's vs 'no problem' type issue

luarien.bsky.social•120 days ago

It's also used as a way of providing levity and moving away from the empathy being burdensome.

As an autistic person a lot of my life has been people using sorry to smother me having an emotional response to something and it's become easier to brush off the problem than become the problem.

alastairvox.com•120 days ago

I also get "you don't have to apologize" or "you didn't do anything" a lot when I say "I'm so sorry" to express empathy and I'm wondering if there's some kind of reading comprehension thing missing or...?

shmoo.bsky.social•120 days ago

So as someone who has done the "it's not your fault" to people trying to express empathy (and slowly trying to NOT do that) it's more of an avoidance tactic. I don't have to sit with my own feelings for long if I can brush past someone trying to empathize with me in that moment

ravenluni.bsky.social•120 days ago

I think its intended as a way of diffusing the negativity but it does trash that moment of empathy - like using a really bad joke at the wrong time.

j0.lol•120 days ago

maybe we are all overthinking

brynstone.bsky.social•120 days ago

I'm this person who says "Not your fault". For me, it's a polite sign off of the conversation - you're not causing the problem, and you can't fix it, but we both have acknowledged it, and that's good enough for me. I don't mean it maliciously.

techconnectify.bsky.social•120 days ago

I guess what I'm picking at is by saying "not your fault" you're indirectly making an assumption that they need that reassurance - when usually they're not asking for anything. Quite the opposite.

It always feels to me like the person saying it thinks I'm fishing for a compliment.

jakobpunkt.bsky.social•120 days ago

I don't interpret it as fishing, but more a symptom of a basic lack of understanding of.... something? About how community functions? Like, we don't understand interactions that aren't either defensive or transactional, and don't know how to respond to simple kindness.

jakobpunkt.bsky.social•120 days ago

Which, to be clear, is not the fault of the individuals who say it, but rather a broader failure of our society to teach and foster those interactions.

jakobpunkt.bsky.social•120 days ago

Like, I remember when my grandfather died when I was 17 and I genuinely had no idea what I was supposed to say at the funeral when people kept telling me they were sorry until my sister explicitly let me know the correct answer was "thank you."

I think people legitimately just don't have a script.

brynstone.bsky.social•120 days ago

That's true, I am. I tend to ramp up my people-pleasing tendencies when I'm particularly in distress - I can't help myself, so I might as well help you, and I'm worried that my being down and you apologizing means I'm taking you with me, and I don't wanna do that, so I reassure you, reassuring me.

bencates.bsky.social•120 days ago

Honestly I say this too as a way to signal that I'm not in distress. I'm not looking to assign blame and I'm not about to lash out.

I've known too many people who have trouble noticing that someone is upset or angry without subconsciously assuming that person is angry at them.

brynstone.bsky.social•120 days ago

I'm exploring a lot of this therapy, and I'm not defending it as a healthy response, but that's the motivation behind it, at least only speaking for me.

jakobpunkt.bsky.social•120 days ago

May I suggest "thank you" as an alternative? It politely closes the interaction, and responds to the empathy in the spirit in which it is intended.

brynstone.bsky.social•120 days ago

Maybe it's because I'm neurodivergent and tend to be fairly literal, but if I say "thanks" to a "sorry", that's weird to me - you're not apologizing (which is fine!), you're telling me your emotional state, or you're empathizing by telling me so. What am I being thankful for, genuinely?

tclark.bsky.social•120 days ago

It's because we've made the experience of sorrow linguistically interchangeable with admission of wrongdoing.

Having sorrow/being sorry used to not always be seen as an admission of guilt OR an apology. Now it's both.

techconnectify.bsky.social•120 days ago

🙃

emma.bzky.team•120 days ago

I'm sorry that's happening

19hunnid.bsky.social•120 days ago

I feel like people got accustomed to the idea that saying "I'm sorry" is an apology, when in this context it would mean, "I have sorrow for your situation."

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