I've been in this exact position, many years ago. I wound up just.. Screaming into the void and embarrassing myself for a few years until I attracted a few folk nice enough and knowledgeable enough to help. It still took like.. nearly another decade, but things have improved so much.
as much as i probably have cptsd i also think like in times and environments that encourage individualism its genuinely hard to be emotionally stable and comfortable. And if you open up to a person they will immediately view you as at fault for needing someone else. We vilify humanity and weakness.
call the police on the homeless man- your “friend” tells your that your “trauma dumping” is burdening them packaged with a stupid bow on it for it to seem nicer instead of having an actual exchange cause we live on robot police state planet
I have felt exactly, and I cannot stress enough, nor can I exaggerate, EXACTLY like this, many, MANY times, in its entirety. I'm in my 30s now. I've always been the one helping others, and only recently have I started to find genuine help in the people around me. it took some work on my part too.
you are not too broken, and you know that you're capable of amazing things when you feel okay. you're intelligent, and you know that you know better than most of the people you've ever met. you're just overloaded, and you worry about asking for too much, to the point of rejecting help you want/need.
you will be okay. keep trying to accept help, even if you feel undeserving. respect others' choices to assist you, and be grateful. you already know you'd do the same for them if you were in a better position. be honest with others, even if it hurts. fight that distrust and let people in. you can.
maybe I'm off the mark, but this is far too relatable for me to sit back and not say the things I think I'd need to hear were I still feeling this way. you're a good person, and you do deserve good people around you. you don't need to be your best to deserve it. treat yourself as you would a friend.
I've been there with CPTSD. I often wonder if I still am.
I don't know if there will ever be a perfect solution.
You're strong to have carried that burden as far as you have, and you deserve recognition for that.
You deserve rest, and healing, even if others don't say so.
Hey, I don't know whether this is any help but I'm finding myself at the crossroad between cptsd and loneliness too and it feels exactly like this. There's only so much work you can do alone, social creatures need to heal in social contexts too.
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I am sorry you have to go through all that.
I don't know if there will ever be a perfect solution.
You're strong to have carried that burden as far as you have, and you deserve recognition for that.
You deserve rest, and healing, even if others don't say so.
Will consider how I might express my experience.
Well done!
I’m sorry things haven’t been good. It takes strength to share like that.
I’m grateful to you for sharing. It helps.