Despite AM advocating and prioritizing AB within the family, AB's believes he is always left out; declaring himself the black sheep of the family. π₯
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What I now understand is that tension stems from genetic mirroring. The ease of which my spouse and I exist ππππ our kids is completely foreign to AM and AB. The way we mirror each other, the similarities in how we're wired... just by existing, we are a challenge to the whole premise of adoption. π₯
I have read your thread a few times. It really resonates with me. How it felt being the lone adopted person unrelated to the people who comprised my βfamilyβ versus the feeling I have now as the mother of my own children & truly belonging with them is indescribable. I didnβt get it until I did. π₯
π― same. Having my son opened my eyes to everything Iβd been denied by severance/ adoption and all Iβd been given by his existence. He just turned 20 and itβs never stopped being revelatory.
My first experience of true family was the birth of my first daughter. She changed everything for me. I suddenly had roots and a connection I had never felt before. π₯
I spent years trying to navigate to a place/feeling of family & contentment (?) with AM & AB. I realized the foundation is faulty and beyond my power or ability to rectify. I don't wish ill on either, but now I limit access due to the huge emotional bandwidth required to spend time together. π₯
In my teens, I realized my hands (which are small & at the time had minor dermatitis) might LOOK like someone else's hands! (Bio-family). The idea shook me to my core. It was the 1st time I considered the possibility of not being the odd one out; maybe I had people. Maybe I came from PEOPLE. π₯
AB uses the left-out narrative to guilt & manipulate. When my spouse, our daughters, and I donβt meet his needs (laughing at unfunny jokes or giving attention when we're content being quiet), AB is vocal that we are the problem. "You guys don't get it. You guys aren't morning people," etc...π₯
AB criticism, passive aggressive comments & constant need for attention/affirmation are exhausting. We are not leaving him out. We're just being ourselves. I now understand the problem isn't our behavior. He's excluded from genetic mirroring & loving relationships spouse & I share with our girls. π₯
Also, I see AM's comment, "How did you create three copies of yourself?" as a conscious or subconscious recognition of genetic mirroring. I grew up a genetic outsider; all our extended family was AM's bio-family. Years later, the majority is now my bio-family (my daughters). Roles reversed. π₯
I can't fill the void adoption & mother-loss caused AB. While I have empathy, his trauma is not my fault (or my spouse or our daughters) nor my responsibility to rectify.
Also, while I have empathy for all genetic outsiders, I intend to *somehow* tell AM to stop with the 3-copies comments. π₯
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Also, while I have empathy for all genetic outsiders, I intend to *somehow* tell AM to stop with the 3-copies comments. π₯