THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO AGILE 1. Every project is broken up into five phases: Disco, Alpaca, Beatings, Live, Regret 2. Every project has a Delivery Manager (DM) and a Product Manager (PM) who fuel the project through their mutual hatred and constant bickering - ThreadSky

radiobeartime.com • 184 days ago

THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO AGILE

1. Every project is broken up into five phases: Disco, Alpaca, Beatings, Live, Regret

2. Every project has a Delivery Manager (DM) and a Product Manager (PM) who fuel the project through their mutual hatred and constant bickering

Comments

benarmstrong.co.uk•184 days ago

3. Every project should have Interaction and Service Designers to give every meeting the whiff of sharpies

radiobeartime.com•184 days ago

3. Everything is driven by user needs. User needs are not what the user wants but what they need. This is why users love agile as much as school children love PE.

4. Planning agile uses sprints. Every fortnight the DM releases leopards and the slowest team are eaten

cackhanded.net•184 days ago

3. The user is the PM, and their needs vary depending on who they have talked to last.

radiobeartime.com•184 days ago

5. Scalable agile is achieved by buying more post-it's and a larger wall

6. Every team has a burn down rate. This is the speed at which they can dispose of the evidence.

ewebber.bsky.social•184 days ago

Thanks for writing up this handy guide. That’s “agile transformation” sorted. What’s next to fix?

radiobeartime.com•184 days ago

“Culture change”

ewebber.bsky.social•184 days ago

Something about eating breakfast

radiobeartime.com•184 days ago

Most important meal of the day!

Along with the other seven.

finchwrites.bsky.social•184 days ago

How many change managers does it take to change a lightbulb? Etc

ewebber.bsky.social•184 days ago

You have to put the lightbulb through an agile training pathway first.

finchwrites.bsky.social•184 days ago

Sadly, I have become the victim of a bayonet charge after making this joke

#lightbulbpuns

marypcbuk.bsky.social•183 days ago

I remember navigating to a government digital services event by spotting the building using every window as a kanban board

radiobeartime.com•183 days ago

That was us. We did it deliberately :)

alistaircoleman.bsky.social•184 days ago

Where do scrum masters come in?

radiobeartime.com•184 days ago

keeptheskyblue.bsky.social•184 days ago

The scrum master ensures no one gets to comfortable by completely changing how the team operates every 48 hours.

theavangelist.bsky.social•184 days ago

And the bodies, because the only thing burning is the people invovled in trying to deliver the garbage storm mangled by the PM

caveatruptur.bsky.social•184 days ago

7. you must stand up once per day

robbowley.net•184 days ago

Every sprint have a team retrospective to keep the illusion of improving things alive - but actually just spend the time pretending to fix the same issues over and over again

dominikanow.bsky.social•184 days ago

I thought they were group therapy sessions?

robbowley.net•184 days ago

Marriage counselling?

jukes.ie•184 days ago

I always though burn down rate was the pace at which agile burned out team members.

jonayre.uk•184 days ago

Ah! Note to self: introduce leopards to be truly agile.

theavangelist.bsky.social•184 days ago

The user needs what I say they do because everyone is entitled to my opinion

cocochan.bsky.social•184 days ago

Regret 🤣

filigreemchana.bsky.social•184 days ago

This is uncannily accurate.

himal.bsky.social•184 days ago

Little known fact, but in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Arthur Dent’s local council had been trying agile. This is why the plans he was looking for were in a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with the sign “beware of the leopard” on the door. The DM gave up. A cautionary tale.

dominikanow.bsky.social•184 days ago

Agile is not a waterfall, but you can never go back a phrase, are you mad, we don't have the budget for that.

Also out of scope, into the skeleton closet of 'systemic things we will mayyybe deal with in 5 years time when this attempt inexplicably fails'.

radiobeartime.com•184 days ago

Car park and car park

The car park is infinite and always the right answer

larklatroy.bsky.social•184 days ago

Agile: A development methodology with more rules and requirements to make agile development impossible due to the requirement to constantly update JIRA to support Agile while attending all the Agile meetings that are required by Agile to support Agile.

Yeah, I hate Agile.

radiobeartime.com•184 days ago

The problem is that big “A” Agile is an attempt to turn a human centred process into something that requires timesheets :)

It should be all about agility.

anvilwalrusden.bsky.social•183 days ago

My experience with agile suggested to me that it had only a couple useful insights but they were really useful. 1. Nobody knows how long that will take to finish, so you re-estimate every couple weeks. Better than a chart that lies. 2. Many must-have features turn out not that valuable. Ship early.

radiobeartime.com•183 days ago

So it’s about agility and being ruthlessly honest.

“What do our users actually NEED us to ship?”

“What is actually going on?”

If oversight becomes an overhead then you are doing it wrong.

anvilwalrusden.bsky.social•183 days ago

Yeah, although this makes it sound like waterfall is lying, whereas really it’s just delusional.