Someone probably said, he must do something. Even here people will say, well at least it’s half or something which is reaching. He needs to get help or she needs to get out.
I don’t remember the last time we did family lunch. We used to do monthly brunches together on the weekend but these days the odds that we are all awake, at home, and without other plans at the same time is slim to none. YMMV.
Hmmmm… Nah. I can see the school lunches (obviously not everyone preps lunch for the kids, and I forgot) and I can even accept she doesn’t count weekday breakfast as a meal he sometimes makes. But weekend lunch, even if it’s brunch, is still a meal he could make and doesn’t. 4 out of 9.
She says his only real contribution is those dinners, so fast or not, breakfast is on her.
And I’d put money on her cleaning up after his dinners, as well as the rest of the housework, grocery shopping, and whatever needs to be done with/for the kids.
He sounds like a dry drunk. He physically quit alcohol, but hasn’t resolved any of the underlying emotional/psychological factors that contribute to his addiction.
This isn’t her problem to solve. She needs to get out with the kids. This has the potential to inflict lasting damage on them.
This man needs a giant shock to the system, like the wife and children moving out, before he'll do anything but his current routine. And then it'll be up to him if that change is positive or negative. But I think it might be too late for this fella.
She knows what she needs to do - divorce him and cut all contact. It looks like she's looking for approval from others to do that but she really needs to make this choice herself.
He needs therapy but so does she, to learn to trust herself, trust her own judgment, and to go live her life.
His only contribution to chores are 3 dinners a week: that leaves her all the lunches and 4 dinners a week plus /every single other chore, including raising their kids/.
The way male incompetence is so ingrained and normal in our patriarchal culture…
This was me and my husband for so many years. I finally lost it, took the kids, filed for divorce. That was the kick in the ass he needed. He sees mental health, is on meds. We reconciled because he agreed to treatment. It's not perfect but soooooo much better.
I can’t imagine living without any joy. So many guys feel like they HAVE to me miserable, or that they have no choice. And of course they can’t talk about it
This guy sucks and she should leave, sounds like the kids won’t be bummed about it either.
You can’t fix him. Look at all of the privilege he’s gained for himself. Everyone dances to his tune. It’s really hard to break off a relationship that long, but You and your kids deserve better. He needs to go
I had this lack of preservation of self love and peace. I waited almost 40 years. I kick myself for not doing it sooner. I love my life now like I as unsble to before.
She just mentions the cooking because somewhere along the line she said something and a not helpful person said, he must do SOMETHING and that’s all she had and they probably said see it’s not all bad. I dislike those people with a passion. It’s not some tu ing to work with
I came here to say this. He does his share of the cooking. Big deal. Nowhere does she mention him doing his share of anything else except sucking the joy out of their lives.
Wanting to sleep in on a family trip and expecting everyone to just sit in the hotel quietly until he's ready?? Just leave, man. You don't like anyone in your family. you don't like being here. not caring about his physical or mental is sad. he's just existing.
Again I see that women feel things as their fault when they are not. This is so damn typical: if something (electronics, relations etc) is not working, women tend to believe they have done something wrong; and men usually think they've done everything right and it's someone else's fault.
While I'm sure depression plays a role, I don't think depression turns someone into an asshole. And he's blatantly being an asshole to his family. I hope she goes the divorce rate. She and her kids would just be so much happier. Doubt he'll be /
I'm something of a depressive, and I agree. The wanting to stay in his hotel room sounds like depression, but getting angry when they go and enjoy themselves is pure assholery.
She should go to a therapist - alone - to work out what to do. She already can almost see it, but an outside opinion will help. Her kids will thank her.
I mean, she can't fix him. He's facing some mental health issues, but she's not the one to fix him. The thing is, it's easier for him to say he's fine/smarter than therapist/was always like this cause he got used to being like that at this point, & facing potential trauma is uncomfortable. I see+
smth similar with my mom's partner, but there's also alcohol included. He repeats he's had enough, he's tired of feeling like this, then refuses to see a professional & gets back to drinking. It's hard for both ppl, but you can't help someone who doesn't want help. Don't let them drag you down tho.
This is an easy one. She’s the breadwinner. His only positive is cooking. She and the teenager can split those duties and she can easily leave him to be miserable on his own.
Doordash is expensive, but it sure as hell beats dealing with this guy. I’ll bet money now he’s so used to blaming his probs. on everyone else that he’ll never shake that. He’s been escaping his whole life, and unless he gets help, he’s not worth living with.
She can't fix him. He clearly needs professional help but refuses to consider it. Unless she's prepared to spend whatever time she has left in this life the way she is now, she needs to get rid of him.
I rarely say give an ultimatum, but there needs to be an ultimatum here. He needs help. If he refuses, I'd serve him. He's making his misery everyone's problem, including his children, and that's where I draw the line.
Time for an ultimatum.
He has 6 months to start individual therapy and make some changes or they get divorced.
Or just divorce him and save yourself the 6 months of more conflict
If a family can actually afford for a family member who is going through some shit to go to therapy, they damn well ought to take advantage of that resource.
He's clearly very depressed and taking it out on his family. But refuses to seek counseling. At this point, she needs to do what's best for herself and her kids. Glad that she is financially independent and seems to have family support. Time to leave.
I would guess that being with this miserable man for 20 years has made her feel much older than she really is.
I hope she divorces him. She will be much happier without having him around. The kids will be too.
Oh, poor family. It's not you, Op. You can do everything possible, but ultimately, it's him. He either needs to pull himself together, or you and your kids leave. I fear it's you leaving because I don't think he wants to be better.
I retired before my husband did. So I did the housework.
After he retired I had hoped we would travel. But no. He just watched TV all day, not doing anything at home.
For this and health reasons I left 3 years ago. Much happier.
Sounds like this guy is depressed. This is especially difficult because they’ve been a couple for nearly half of her life & share house, children & history. Unfortunately, this is where they should part. They’ve grown apart, are at different places & are no longer compatible. Sad, but he has to go.
My guess is that he’s unhappy with himself and so then no one is going to be happy. I would at least separate and see if that doesn’t motivate him to get help. But she has to think about herself and her kids. The kids will end up scarred for life.
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And I’d put money on her cleaning up after his dinners, as well as the rest of the housework, grocery shopping, and whatever needs to be done with/for the kids.
If she wants ANY quality of life, she needs to leave that useless bag of skin. She deserves so much better than being a doormat for a bully.
This isn’t her problem to solve. She needs to get out with the kids. This has the potential to inflict lasting damage on them.
He needs therapy but so does she, to learn to trust herself, trust her own judgment, and to go live her life.
The way male incompetence is so ingrained and normal in our patriarchal culture…
I hope she gets out and finds her joy
This guy sucks and she should leave, sounds like the kids won’t be bummed about it either.
So many guys have internalized the attitude “well, I didn’t become a pro athlete so now I just work till I die, nothing left for me”
Learned it from their fathers, who were also miserable
Lady, kick him to the curb. You can afford Uber eats.
Like you say, life’s far too short
Dump this worthless bum and watch yourself and your kids flourish. Also 40s is time to LIVE.
But it's also not her job to deal with him while he gets himself sorted out.
He has 6 months to start individual therapy and make some changes or they get divorced.
Or just divorce him and save yourself the 6 months of more conflict
I hope she divorces him. She will be much happier without having him around. The kids will be too.
After he retired I had hoped we would travel. But no. He just watched TV all day, not doing anything at home.
For this and health reasons I left 3 years ago. Much happier.