Yes so that, it doesn't get easier as time goes on it can even be worse as everyone seems to think you should be over it. We aren't it hurts every year especially as family gets much smaller as we get older.
Alt text: A letter to the Irish Times, titled Grief at Christmas
Sir – Christmas has arrived once more. A wonderful and happy joyful time of the year. As indeed it should be. May I just write a few thoughts about my Christmas?
Christmas with grief. I feel quite lost. People are so good. 1/4
I feel angry at times. My lovely wife loved Christmas. The beautiful Christmas tree is missing. I have the crib up. My heart is broken to bits. It doesn’t get any better with time. I sound like a broken record but that is the way it is.
The lovely people in our drama group and our church choir. My friends at work. I read and purchase more books than I can keep up with. Will it ever ease? No. One has to learn to live with grief as best one can. 3/4
Thank you for sharing this. In the stream you wrote, ‘Grief is the other side of love. Both come as a pair.’ Excellent.
Could you say when and where this was published please? I’m wanting to share it with some people I know who are grieving. TIA.
To all of you: I wish you well, the best as it can be. I wish you people to be comforted by, and comfortable with. I wish you sweet memories, that combine tears of missing with laughs of shared joy. I wish you arms and cheeks and shoulders to be in and on. I wish you strength. I wish you courage.
Grief counsellor here:
thát is detrimental.
Grieving is the active process of healing the wound of loss. Love is never lost.
What you create by saying that is that people who loved hard think they need to hurt hard. And that hurt is a sign of their amount of love. Please don't make that mistake.
I’m probably not explaining myself properly, it was more of a ‘it’s ok to be show sadness’, because they were afraid of upsetting others. I did explain that people grieve differently as well, and sometimes not obviously. You make a good point though!
By the law of averages 8.5% of deaths occurs in December. By the law of winter it'll be more like 10%. A helliuva lot of people will have lost a loved one in the 'festive' season up to Twelfth Night. It's hard to celebrate.
I have lost three people over Christmas my grandad on Boxing day, a loved Uncle also on Boxing Day. And my father on Christmas Eve in 2010. My partner does not understand my strange ambivalence to Christmas.
In some way I think all the manicness makes it harder to give time to remember people? Nobody wants to be ‘bringing people down’ - I wish there was a day during Christmas where we properly remembered those who have passed and we gave the gluttony a break for 24 hours.
I've lost my mother-in-law & like you, a loved Uncle. A close relation just lost his wife, aged only 62, last week. There are millions like us, many of them alone.
Not just deaths either, awful things have more resonance in memory than good things (mine anyway), the older you get the more likely you've had 3 or 4 grim Christmas experiences, it taints your enjoyment of the present unfortunately.
My son is 40 years old (though being autistic still expecting kids presents) & no other 'close' relative under 30 I'm in the 'get it over with' category. No wish to spoil anyone's fun but for me and my wife it's endurance, not enjoyment. As for cards & gifts appearing in shops in October..........
A letter from Glenties, in Co Donegal?
IIRC Donegal was the only anti-abortion stronghold in the referendum. A county somewhere beyond the far edge of the civilised world.
Next door’s father died 2 weeks ago. Next door to them, he died last week. Next door to them is a young middle aged woman dying with stage 4 cancer. None of those families will have the same Christmas again.
It’s so true. We never get over grief, we learn to live with it and cope in whatever way we can. Christmas is tough for a lot of people and there’s no escape from the forced frivolity.
For me articulate always means someone capturing complex emotions, spitting them out in words without losing any of the emotion’s power. A translation of sorts. And that’s what the good Brian has done here imo
Wise words. Our family suffered a loss in 2022. Our youngest daughter Amy passed away suddenly at the age of just 22. She had just started a fabulous career too and was in the prime of her life. Every day is now a struggle for the whole family as we miss her dearly.
He is a regular writer to the paper, I always scan the letter writers names before reading them. Should I see Brian's name among them, my attention is piqued as he always has something worthwhile to say.
I had a 39 year old nephew who died 3 weeks after his leukemia diagnosis. This is my sisters 1st holiday season without him. And then, his birthday is in early March. It sucks!
We buried my cousin last Wednesday. He leaves a big gaping hole of kindness in so many lives, a widow and their beautiful sons, 14 and 10. My chest aches with grief when I think of them all.
Probably the best way to describe it is a diorama of the scene in manger when Jesus is born - the family, donkeys, sheep etc. it’s a tradition in Ireland, some towns have live cribs.
I’m so sorry. We lost my brother many years ago and Christmas was particularly hard. We didn’t celebrate Christmas at all for 5 years. If you can get away from it all, it makes it easier to cope with. Sending you peaceful thoughts x
We keep changing our plans. Deciding whether to stay home, whether to have a tree, whether to give presents. In the end, we decided to do it all, but we'll see how it goes.
I think the lead up is much harder than the actual day, if that helps. We went to places that don’t celebrate and it was just nice not to have to pretend for a while.
Comments
Sir – Christmas has arrived once more. A wonderful and happy joyful time of the year. As indeed it should be. May I just write a few thoughts about my Christmas?
Christmas with grief. I feel quite lost. People are so good. 1/4
What helps? People. Community. 2/4
Brian McDevitt, Glenties, Co Donegal 4/4
I don't do Xmas.
Could you say when and where this was published please? I’m wanting to share it with some people I know who are grieving. TIA.
https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/letters/2024/12/14/letters-to-the-editor-december-14th-on-the-green-effect-grief-and-the-humble-brussels-sprout/
thát is detrimental.
Grieving is the active process of healing the wound of loss. Love is never lost.
What you create by saying that is that people who loved hard think they need to hurt hard. And that hurt is a sign of their amount of love. Please don't make that mistake.
God bless Brian and all of us with similar Christmases x
IIRC Donegal was the only anti-abortion stronghold in the referendum. A county somewhere beyond the far edge of the civilised world.
Never said eloquent or intellectual.
That's powerful. Has the feel of someone trying to busy themselves with their Christmas prep checklist only for emotion to blindside them.