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adamurb.bsky.social
This is as close as I care to get to real life. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:pdxybkcvl4yoe4rczp5r3cen/feed/aaak2h6q5xaqa
266 posts 1,173 followers 476 following
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[forgetting the word tambourine] one musical frisbee please

submitted 16 hours ago • 7 comments

Any time a child memorizes a bible passage, they should be allowed to have one cigarette.

submitted 4 days ago • 63 comments

Hot singles in your area want to ruin your life

submitted 13 hours ago • 47 comments

DEVIL: You have been condemned to eternal damnation and now you shall burn. ME: So do your hell hounds have luci-fur lol DEVIL: *texting God* You sonofabitch.

submitted 12 hours ago • 10 comments

My ghost is going to haunt a bookshop. I’m just going to read over your shoulder and make disappointed noises when your pick sucks.

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

Bob, a Viking: (rowing) this is torture Steve, another Viking: (on an elliptical) sounds like someone needs a smoothie

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

We need a slur for birds (tree garbage).

submitted 1 day ago • 21 comments

i wanna run a gambling table cuz i wanna get to use one of those pushy stick things

submitted 1 day ago • 19 comments

Happy Birthday to everyone who celebrates… in perpetuity! Yep…that oughta do it.

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

Crypto bros: BUY THE DIP Me: (holding six jars of queso) I’M HEADING TO SELF CHECKOUT NOW

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

headache exchange program where you can give your headache to someone who wants to get out of plans

submitted 1 day ago • 23 comments

Superman: (doing a million push-ups) look what I can do Lois: I wish you would vacuum or do the dishes for once

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

BANK ROBBER: Everyone be cool and no one gets hurt. ME: [sliding the teller my spare feather earring] *whispers* Quick, put this on, Linda.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Science in two lines. Instinct. The inherent inclination of an organism toward a complex behaviour, as when a young child kicks a mime or a clown.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

My Wilson Phillips cover band hasn’t made it big yet, but I’ll hold on for one more day

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Touch grass. Now touch stone. Now touch water. Now spill blood inside the glyph. Now light the brazier

submitted 26 days ago • 86 comments

if the water bill gets any higher i’m just gonna take my soap to the produce section and shower with the veggies

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

What a crappy day. I bet Garfield would say something clever about a crappy day like this, like "ugh, lasagnas!" or some shit.

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen Pour myself a cup of ambition And yawn and stretch and trip and dump scalding ambition all over myself and uber to the burn center.

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Take comfort knowing that the world has likely already ended and we are just making a cameo in the bonus scene at the end of the credits.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

BOSS: rough night? [flashback to me being shot out of a cannon] I think i slept wrong

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

hate tfw I’m talking to myself, alone, in a group chat

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Posting all the dumb stuff so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

ROBBER: hand over your valuables and no one gets hurt ME: *frantically licks ice cream cone*

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

My daughter wanted to do a woodworking project and her dad asked her to come up with a budget. She decided on $50 and she says to me “I have $20 I can contribute, but I won’t. When I’m older I’ll take you out to a fancy dinner, if you’re still alive”

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Two pairs of socks on. Nothing can hurt me

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

(My first day working at Dirty Frank’s Uvula, Weenis, and Arm Pittery) Me: (terrified) how can I help you

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Scorpio: Crime-solving cheerleaders will discover what you have in your storage unit.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

My mom just tried marijuana medicinally. I got a message from her very seriously saying, "I think I made an important discovery. The discovery is that my short term memory isn't."

submitted 2 days ago • 31 comments

You may be stupid, but if you're handsome, rich and funny, well, you're still stupid. Because these things are totally unrelated. You'd know it if you weren't stupid.

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Frankincense to numb the pain, Myrrh to relax it away.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I know it’s just a form of protest, but the last thing you want to do to an electric vehicle with wiring problems is pee on it.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I talked to my kid about vaping and it turns out it is really cool. I’m going to try it.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

An iron fist in a velvet glove clutching a ham sandwich

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I want to find a small room, fill it with books, and wedge my body within it in such a way that I cannot be removed.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I saw a stick this morning that for a split second made me believe I could be a wizard

submitted 3 days ago • 26 comments

Crows can recognize people many years later, even if they are wearing a disguise. However, science cannot explain why the crows would wear a disguise.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

I’m not a pessimist - the glass is fully empty.

submitted 3 days ago • 7 comments

I just found something that ain’t broke. There’s no way I’m not trying to fix it.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I get the fixation with Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Charles Babbage etc, but whoever invented or discovered WD40 just doesn't get enough love.

submitted 2 days ago • 197 comments

i'm so close to standing on the side of the road barefoot wearing a sandwich board that says the end is nigh, like i'm just looking for the right hat at this point

submitted 2 days ago • 48 comments

putting together a pirate crew, currently recruiting: -5x murderous thugs -5x reprehensible skalawags -10x lowly curs -1 plucky, bright eyed youngster with a song in his heart

submitted 2 days ago • 61 comments

when robert frost said “and miles to go before i sleep” i really felt that

submitted 2 days ago • 23 comments

Looking forward to the ultimate weighted blanket, six feet of dirt piled on top of me.

submitted 2 days ago • 16 comments

Emperor: (drunk) it’s a laser gun the size of a MOON Darth Vader: (also drunk) lol wtf

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Alien: why are we doing this Predator: I don’t even know (They hug)

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Is anyone really surprised that Hooters tanked and went bust?

submitted 4 days ago • 22 comments

One positive about surviving the polar vortex is that 24° F now feels "nice."

submitted 3 days ago • 16 comments