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alpacawhacka.bsky.social
🗓️ 40yo, but bones are at least 75yo 🏳️‍🌈 he/him, bi 💖 happily married 📍 Philadelphia 💿 music omnivore but swoons for Ty Segall 🎧 low-key off-key audiophile 📚📽️ fantasy/scifi sponge 🐕‍🦺 professional dog itch-scratcher 🍜 cheap ramen connoisseur
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I wrote for the Guardian’s Saturday magazine about my son Max, who changed how I see the world. Took ages. More jokes after the first bit. Thanks Merope Mills for being the most patient and generous editor. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

submitted 5 days ago • 129 comments

Hope this courtesy flush finds you well…

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Booking a photo shoot, open to plants only

submitted 27 days ago • 1 comment

*eats Nashville Hot Chicken at the highest spice level, against the recommendation of the waitress and chef* Two hours later: "Inside you there are two wolves. Both wolves have diarrhea."

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

I sexually identify as the flute in "Spill the Wine" by War.

submitted 31 days ago • 0 comments

Let's do a thread about a significant (local, plus somewhat not-local) event that happened today in history that the majority of people don't know about, shall we? The day is April 1, 1873. It is cold, it is raining (exactly like today's weather in 2025), and we're on a boat. 🧵

submitted 58 days ago • 3 comments

Places to get shitfaced on Saint Patrick's Day: 1. an Irish pub 2. the shower 3. the produce section, head-first under the misters 4. top floor of a dead mall, mainline Gobstoppers out of the 80s candy machine 5. "home decor" area of a thrift store (this is definitely a dildo)

submitted 72 days ago • 6 comments

Kinda want a burrito, kinda want to disappear into the woods forever.

submitted 77 days ago • 57 comments

GAVIN NEWSOM: So, again, you were talking about the importance of- EDGAR THE BUG WEARING HUMAN SKIN FROM MEN IN BLACK: SUGAR WATER GAVIN NEWSOM: Yes, sugar water. And my party hasn't acknowledged how much people love sugar and water. My son was shouting SUGAR WATER at me the other day on xbox.

submitted 78 days ago • 107 comments

My stripper name is "🎠Dichloromethane" because I also have a bunch of health concerns and am banned from many EU countries.

submitted 83 days ago • 0 comments

made you a plate of nachos please respond

submitted 83 days ago • 10 comments

Picard morality tip: The moment you consider yourself morally superior to someone due to your genetics is the moment you prove you are not.

submitted 133 days ago • 1 comment

Dating him was like eating at the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday's. I wasn't expecting much or even planning to do it, but in a reckless blaze of passion I went all-in. And afterwards I was left curled up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing, shaking, and questioning my life choices.

submitted 91 days ago • 0 comments

Costco Food Court's touchscreen that pops up with "WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADD A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE FOR $2.49 MORE?" after any order should be prosecuted by the International Criminal Court as a Crime of Aggression.

submitted 91 days ago • 0 comments

Retasking the Hubble Telescope to look deep into the mysterious cosmos and take a deep field exposure to find the distant, very last of my fucks.

submitted 91 days ago • 0 comments

Looking at my #av1 #encoding log for a SVT-AV1-PSY encode (loving v2.3.0-B ❤️) and I noticed that the spy-rd flag isn't a 0 or 1 ... but a "oui". Love the little easter egg, @giannirosato.com 🤣

submitted 91 days ago • 1 comment

Me after watching this week's episode of #Severance

submitted 94 days ago • 0 comments

Stargazing and can’t find that Mazzy Star…

submitted 97 days ago • 4 comments

Your outie understands when someone is making a joke on the internet and doesn't embarrass themselves in people's replies

submitted 99 days ago • 65 comments

Mood

submitted 103 days ago • 9 comments

#meme #memes #startrek

submitted 104 days ago • 0 comments

Yeah, but have you tried listening to Swedish Death Metal about it?

submitted 104 days ago • 0 comments

These sappy commercials are trying to get me right in the feels ... but little do they know that in 2025 I don't have any feels left.

submitted 108 days ago • 0 comments

7-layer dip you dip we dip

submitted 109 days ago • 2 comments

Me in Microsoft Teams when I mean to click unmute but accidentally click the camera button next to it and the whole meeting sees me flash on screen in a compromising and embarrassing state while silently scrambling to turn the camera off again. #sqrlpix

submitted 111 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 113 days ago • 2 comments

Time to snuggle with some music…

submitted 114 days ago • 1 comment

"I hope this email finds you well." ... how your email found me:

submitted 114 days ago • 0 comments

Arby's says they have the meats but thirty seven stores later and they've all thrown me out for ordering haggis.

submitted 114 days ago • 0 comments

Chef's Secret Recipe Tip: You can turn any soup into egg drop soup if you're a clumsy fuck.

submitted 114 days ago • 0 comments

you’re so fucking beautiful

submitted 115 days ago • 5 comments

I hate it when you go to a fancy restaurant and the food tastes like the chef doesn't have any tattoos

submitted 115 days ago • 52 comments