azedand2knots.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

being eaten by a shark debate me you coward

submitted 3 hours ago • 3 comments

getting my "proud member of the human race" tattoo covered up

submitted 24 minutes ago • 0 comments

THE NEW YORK TIMES: Donald Trump Just Bombed Iran and Started World War III. Here’s Why You Should Blame Immigrants and Trans Athletes For This.

submitted 42 minutes ago • 1 comment

Just won a rap battle against the laundry basket.

submitted 20 minutes ago • 0 comments

Beer is what happens when bread gives up on being food and instead decides to brighten your evening.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Pulling the lint from the dryer filter in one sheet is better than sex. Of note, I’ve not had the sex in a very long time.

submitted 9 hours ago • 4 comments

I’m trying to get sponsored by Stovetop stuffing

submitted 314 days ago • 3 comments

I reached for my Burts Bee’s without my glasses on and applied a cheezie to my lips instead, how’s your day going

submitted 5 hours ago • 2 comments

Wanna follow some imaginary friends who make me laugh? Well here's a starter pack of people who don't exist. DM me if you actually do exist because that would defeat the purpose of this exercise. Ce n'est pas un pack de démarrage

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

It's been a miserable day so I've been sitting outside trying to lower my heart rate and get some fresh air. One of my neighbors just came out with his guitar and started crooning a sad country song and it's like the universe gave me a lil gift. "You want to be sad, you bastard? Then we're all in."

submitted 2 hours ago • 3 comments

me: may I call you Dick? him: but my name is Tom me: I know, dick

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

I've been lifting heavy bags of topsoil for weeks, I feel I'm finally ready to be a pallbearer

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Never been to an orgy, but I assume it’s a lot like karaoke. You need alcohol to ease into it and if there are white people, you’re gonna hear Sweet Caroline.

submitted 4 hours ago • 24 comments

Brace yourself for what I’m about to say. I’m looking at a woman….in public…floss her teeth…with her hair.

submitted 6 hours ago • 20 comments

The movie Decent Proposal in which a stranger offers 5 bucks for a handshake and everything goes to shit because it's an unforgettably proper handshake

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Put your pants down you’re under arrest

submitted 4 hours ago • 2 comments

it takes a lot of effort to get a crowd to start the wave which no one at this funeral seems to appreciate

submitted 6 hours ago • 6 comments

You won’t know I’ve won the lottery but there will be signs. I’ll lie about, eating cheese until the only way I can move from room to room is by rolling through on logs.

submitted 8 hours ago • 0 comments

on weekends we touch grass, drugs, and/or try to remember the names of our friends on bsky. that's why it gets quiet

submitted 5 hours ago • 5 comments

Awkward and off-putting as armour.

submitted 5 hours ago • 1 comment

ZZ Top: She's got legs Me: She sounds hot ZZ Top: And she knows how to use them Me: Holy fucking shit

submitted 5 hours ago • 3 comments

cool politics bro, did your dad pick it out for you?

submitted 11 hours ago • 4 comments

i used to think it was “cannon father” like the big bad dad of all the baby cannons

submitted 22 hours ago • 12 comments

More and more things making me shaky every day and I don't know if I even want to stop the shaking. Vibrate faster and faster until I turn into light.

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

tooth teeth mouth meeth

submitted 8 hours ago • 9 comments

Me: slicking back my ponytail can you photoshop a saxophone in later? Passport photographer: I cannot

submitted 1 day ago • 8 comments

I remember one time I was on a cruise to see the glaciers and when we got there I shouted "We're in winternational waters" and then the Captain locked me in the toilet.

submitted 17 hours ago • 7 comments

You don't know me but I once made $148 as a busker using only a hardshell taco wearing my sleep apnea mask

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

you shouldn't boil the water when you make tea the optimal temperature is 210° is a thing you could say if you want people to fucking hate you

submitted 39 days ago • 14 comments

people say frances why are you the most popular account on bluesky frances why are you the most beloved account on bluesky they all beg to know why i’m so universally cherished and esteemed well today friends i’m going to reveal my secret it’s because i give the people what they want (meatballs)

submitted 154 days ago • 20 comments

Back in my clippings you took an extra current event from the newspaper just for the like of your life forgetting theirs and they always did, because your like meant "nothing important to remember so I guess I'll solve the red love side of this Rubik's cube"

submitted 9 hours ago • 0 comments

to whoever unfollowed me today I wish you were still here to see the tears in my eyes

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

I'LL COME TO YOUR PITY PARTY SO I CAN DANCE WITH YOUR MOM.

submitted 8 hours ago • 6 comments

It turns out that a lot of people don't know the facts I make up.

submitted 9 hours ago • 1 comment

Bothered, desiccated, unhappy, in your business, scattered, withering

submitted 7 days ago • 7 comments

i am enraged to find out they are called cuttlefish and not cuddlefish why cant things be nicer

submitted 7 days ago • 19 comments

Pick up sticks of butter

submitted 23 hours ago • 3 comments

In a grocery store asking what aisle has it for the human heart when all the signs and arrows say this way to what goes in the human bag. "Trying to be as general as possible. It's for a little carrying thing, more heavy casual than up both arms."

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

You are in her DMs. I am in my crawlspace hiding from Wet Jeff. I hope he leaves soon because he is so scary and also he's getting all my stuff damp.

submitted 20 hours ago • 3 comments

I haven’t felt safe since Martha Stewart got out of prison.

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

I'm just here to make you question why you follow me.

submitted 91 days ago • 23 comments

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client doesn’t feel guilty. Like, at all.

submitted 3 days ago • 10 comments

Me: I don't like your content. Him: I'm barely online at all. Me: Who said anything about online?

submitted 653 days ago • 1 comment

I'm finally in a place where I can admit that I'm fine with being a mediocre friend. Sure, there are people who are really good at it. I'm not. I've never been.

submitted 22 hours ago • 4 comments