Profile avatar
azureeyenews.bsky.social
All the libel that's fit to print! The finest newspaper in the New Mexico Territory; serving the charming yokels and hucksters of Varmint Vale and the greater Colorado Plateau desert, and the various things that creep about the sands under the stars.
622 posts 137 followers 54 following
Getting Started
Active Commenter
Posts 6 Comments 44

WEATHER: Torrential rain, howling wind, and crashing lightning bolts will emerge from Edward Levy's perpetually-being-destroyed house this afternoon as his latest attempt to brainstorm turns devastatingly literal. Anyone who finds his tempest-tossed grey matter is requested to return it promptly.

submitted 13 hours ago • 0 comments

MUSIC: Yesterday's battle of the bands was won by surprise entrant the Parched Cactus Working Girls' Queefing Chorus, handily defeating both the Bean Eater's Chorus and the Belching Bards.

submitted 13 hours ago • 2 comments

MUSIC: The All-Cowpokes Bean Eater's "Choir" will face off against the Parched Cactus Belching Bards this afternoon in their annual battle of the gustatory bands. Those who wish to attend are directed to Dust Bowl Crater outside town, as the smells produced by the music are illegal w/in city limits.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

HERDING: The Lazy Vole Ranch announced an unexpected loss this afternoon as Old Man Winter claimed several head of cattle during the recent cold snap. The Sheriff said that anyone seein' the elderly gent should be aware he's armed with a revolver and may be fiercely defensive of his stolen cows.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

NEWS: Prospectin' Peepin' Percussive Pecos Pete drunkenly announces discovery of 18th Dynasty ancient Egyptian tomb at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, plum full up of gold and jewels and people jerky and all that fancy stuff. Can't find it no more, though. Y'all'll have to take his word on it.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

CRIME: A horse riding another horse stuck up the First National Bank of Varmint Vale today, successfully making off with a saddlebags stuffed full of money. Sheriff Danson asks for the public's help identifying the equine, as his tiny black eyemask & black cowboy hat make identification difficult.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments