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bkellyct.bsky.social
Just here for the humor.
26 posts 261 followers 429 following
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Posts 48 Comments 1

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, it is

submitted 41 days ago • 29 comments

"There's so much fraud, waste, and abuse." "Can you give us an example?" "Oh ho ... trust us, there's so much fraud, waste and abuse, you wouldn't believe it." "Try me! Just one." "Sorry, there's too much fraud, waste, and abuse. I can't pick out just one instance of fraud, waste, and abuse."

submitted 4 days ago • 192 comments

Looking for someone to blow dry my hair every morning. No weirdos.

submitted 4 days ago • 16 comments

I’m pretty sure these dogs have iPhones

submitted 4 days ago • 16 comments

Tased myself cleaning purse lint out of my taser. Again.

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

One of lifes scariest moments is when a woman calmly says "wow" during an argument

submitted 5 days ago • 34 comments

String cheese is just cheese bananas

submitted 8 days ago • 6 comments

Now, friends, lemme tell you what I mean Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six Nazis at the table Nazis that mark the diff'rence Between democracy and a grift With a capital "G", And that rhymes with "C" and that stands for Coup!

submitted 5 days ago • 9 comments

I'm sorry, when I said "I'm open to feedback" I meant you could give me compliments.

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

It's not always a call to action, sometimes it's just washing your hoodie and eating a meal off a plate

submitted 6 days ago • 12 comments

If I wasn’t such a dork you’d all fall in love with me and chaos would ensue. CHAOS

submitted 6 days ago • 8 comments

I am grateful that so many people found my open letter to Elon Musk moving and want to share it. Some well meaning people are just cutting and pasting it on their social media feeds. I would appreciate it if people would link to the version posted on @democracydocket.com instead. Thanks. Marc

submitted 6 days ago • 186 comments

chat is it good for a dictionary to be mad at you

submitted 6 days ago • 523 comments

My memory is like my web browser with 28 tabs open. One’s frozen, three are blank, and I have no fucking idea where this dammed rave music is coming from.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

When people don't interact with my posts I just take that as further evidence of the vast conspiracy that exists against me personally.

submitted 7 days ago • 9 comments

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

I'm hungry. I should eat something or maybe start the process of starving myself to death.

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

Social Media Tip: If you see a post with many replies and quotes, ask yourself: have other people already said what I'm about to say, and maybe even read those other replies, and see for yourself that others HAVE already made that comment, and then (this is important) don't make that reply

submitted 13 days ago • 12 comments

Why is it called a fake laugh and not a ‘faux ha’

submitted 12 days ago • 8 comments

“How’d that happen, Bill?” “I don’t know.” “Really?” “Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

submitted 12 days ago • 19 comments

*to the tune of Careless Whispers* I'm never gonna fly again, the FAA has got no workers

submitted 12 days ago • 6 comments

I’m not sure how many donuts it takes to be in a better mood, so far it’s not 9.

submitted 13 days ago • 37 comments

[ working out for the first time in years ] Trainer: you need a spot? Me: nope, just an ambulance

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

Hey kids, let's watch a cartoon about a skunk who's trying to fuck a kitty.

submitted 14 days ago • 1 comment

A group of failed skeets is called my timeline.

submitted 14 days ago • 2 comments

Fuck social media. *me, logging in

submitted 15 days ago • 8 comments

submitted 14 days ago • 77 comments

RFK Jr always sounds like he’s dying and well, I hope so

submitted 14 days ago • 9 comments

submitted 15 days ago • 3 comments

Life is better when you're a bit weird.

submitted 17 days ago • 3 comments

*looks up from phone* nope, everything still sucks *looks back down at phone*

submitted 15 days ago • 1 comment

i saw my wife eating grape nuts with my ice cream eating spoon and i’m having a hard time with it. that spoon is for fun only

submitted 17 days ago • 143 comments

from today's post — please read the whole thing, thanks! here's the link: bit.ly/4b0OU7c

submitted 17 days ago • 60 comments

googling how to unread something on the internet

submitted 17 days ago • 3 comments

I fell in “love” with someone on the internet once. Anyway fuck you Mark.

submitted 17 days ago • 17 comments

When I stub my toe, I scream out random pasta dishes.

submitted 112 days ago • 13 comments

How many years does an anxiety attack last

submitted 18 days ago • 27 comments

On a tour of my house: “And in the kitchen we have a Lazy Susan.” Susan: “Hey!”

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

My good posts are in my other pants.

submitted 18 days ago • 10 comments

wearing a monacle over each eye to ensure i make a complete spectacle of myself

submitted 19 days ago • 13 comments

if your narrative starts to solidify, place it in a glass bowl above a pot of boiling water and stir constantly until it becomes smooth and workable

submitted 18 days ago • 10 comments

The person running the country just changed the name of his social media account.

submitted 18 days ago • 1447 comments

tell me without telling me that you’re behind on your child support payments

submitted 18 days ago • 46 comments

I have a favorite movie about a sisterhood and some traveling pants but I’m not going to tell you what it is. You have to guess.

submitted 18 days ago • 22 comments

Chiropractors are the professional wrestlers of the medical world.

submitted 18 days ago • 46 comments

If you're over the age of 15 and a robot from the future hasn't come to kill you yet, you're most likely not that important.

submitted 21 days ago • 22 comments

As the song on the radio played, Arnold couldn’t help but wonder if this poor Taylor Swift girl would ever find true happiness. He made a mental note to send her one of his tennis balls when he got home.

submitted 24 days ago • 29 comments