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celarsson.bsky.social
self-proclaimed polymath. writer. satirist. "working" on my master's in pol. sci. with a major in media & communication. love my dog and gf but that's pretty much it my biggest achievement is that i'm still using an iphone 7
112 posts 466 followers 220 following
Prolific Poster

I went and fucked myself, now what?

Just finished shoveling snow and now I feel like an unevenly microwaved hot pocket.

Me and my gf stare at the drink list for 20 minutes, then order 5oz of Riesling and the house lager

Never tying my shoes in public again. Embarrassing.

Not a conspiracy theorist, I just simply don’t believe you

Therapist: why are you so nervous? Me: yes

then NASA was all "clearest ever pics of uranus kinda gross actually"

Finding places to sit down is my specialty.

only saying "what?" from now on and that's rhetorical

Wowzers in my trousers

Teacher: How are you? Kid: Is it ok to say I'm doing good? Teacher: Yes, I know you mean well

Don't mind me I'm just here to make things awkward

mimosas for breakfast and then it’s show time

if you think that I sound bitter it’s actually because I am

Oh you’re a ”foodie”! What else do you like? Water? Maybe oxygen? Idiot.

feeling as fresh as a 17th century pirate with scurvy waking up after a 3 week rum bender

you were cringy as a teen? sorry can’t relate, I was just as cool back then

eating cauliflower pancakes is part of some masochist kink right?

me when I rearrange the pepperonis on my frozen pizza before putting it in the oven

Just dropped my car off at the garage and managed to drop the word carburettor into conversation with the mechanic so he knows to take me seriously and he told me my car doesn’t have a carburettor

If I have to "power through" something, then it's clearly not for me.

“when life gives you lemons” when has that ever happened? what the fuck are you talking about

Am I perfect? No But do I always do my best and keep a positive attitude? No

No I didn't miss your call, I saw the phone ring

[Fun idea for game night] First person to mention sourdough bread gets shot in the face

I only post for the inevitable fame I’ll receive once people realize how funny I am

Sorry haven’t been active, I didn’t take my meds

Every time I check the news Dorito-Mussolini has said some crazy shit

ATTENTION, MEN: Ladies would be more often ‘in the mood’ if you learned to use your scrotum bag better and more effectively during Sex — sorry, it is not just dangling there to look Pretty

NEVER MIND YOUR VERIFIABLE FACTS THESE ARE MY IRRATIONAL BELIEFS

We care about you* *odds of caring vary based on gaming activity

Slogan for a sperm bank: "Get a load of this guy"

it is what it is, but it has been like it is a lot lately

Do women also shake the gas pump nozzle after filling up their car?

"I'm an introvert" [Proceeds to never shut the fuck up]

Musk has Auschperger Syndrome

Something with bleaching your asshole and ringtone there's something there

We really messed up when we named it "fuck, marry, kill" and not "wed, bed, behead"

My life is like an inverse Good Will Hunting where the genius finds his true calling as a janitor

once I thought that I was wrong turned out I was mistaken

idk who needs to hear this but you’re not special for liking rainy days

Science is no match for an article headline some guy saw on the internet.

Shopping for a new car. But it is thus far impossible to find one that is automatic, systematic, and hydromatic.