churnwell.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

"Hello, I'm Sir Keir Starmer, your Prime Minister. I'm here because we have drone footage of your dumping a load of old tapes, among them Sliding Doors and The Fifth Element. I'm, therefore, legally obliged to crush your car using new tech."

submitted 1 hour ago • 0 comments

"Hello?" "Will you be voting Labour today?" "To be honest, I'm not very happy with the direction the -" "Oh, right. I see. So what you're saying is that you're a Hamas-loving, IRA-supporting communist who hates Britain?" "No, that's -" "You people make me sick!"

submitted 1 hour ago • 0 comments

Before you criticise Sir Keir you might want to remember that he's working class (father was a toolmaker, mother was a nurse).

submitted 4 hours ago • 1 comment

I am calling on you, Kenzie from Blazin' Squad, to ask Pat Sharp to apologise for calling me a massive loser. You have until sundown.

submitted 12 hours ago • 1 comment

Sir Keir probably could have wooed Reform voters if he hadn't included the elderly among his list of people to punish. That's the one group they don't want to see punished.

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

Who's doing #BeerForKeir today?

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

My dad was a man, and that's why I know how important it is to #mensmentalhealth.

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

Sir Keir tweaking the agenda.

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

Just remembered this from the Corbyn years.

submitted 23 hours ago • 0 comments

EXCLUSIVE Wes Streeting has driven Sir Keir to a bit of disused dockland to tell him that he has been relieved of his duties.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I am confident that any moment now those Labour MPs who resigned when Corbyn was leader will be calling for Sir Keir to resign.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Sir Keir: there will be no more elections until voters grow up and get a grip.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Key issues among Reform voters that Sir Keir will talk earnestly about in the coming days: - Bring back hanging - Why no white people in adverts no more? - Feed kids beans on toast and/or porridge - Deport "different" people - Boats - Punish poor people with flat screen TVs

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

To children who don't brush their teeth: For too long, your actions have gone unpunished. That ends now. We'll use drones and new tech to identify whether your teeth have been brushed. Then we'll put you on a big rocket full of other naughty children and fly you into the sun.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Sir Keir's message to dog owners who won't scoop that poop: "For too long, your actions have gone unpunished. That ends now. We'll use drones and new tech to identify your dog. Then we'll make the dog eat its own turds while you watch the ordeal tied to a chair, naked."

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

"Shut it, you lemon! I'm under orders from Sir Keir to track down fly tipping scum like you using drones and new tech. And guess what? I've found ya. Which means now I get to crush your car and deport your sorry looking arse."

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

"We'll use drones and new tech to identify your vehicle. Then we'll incinerate it with a state of the art tank laser and upload photos of your former vehicle to Facebook so your family and friends all know what you have done."

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Teacup are the antidote to Kneecap. AND you can tap your toe to their tunes.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

A touch of class from the Free Speech Union, who have issued the following statement: "We might not agree with the beliefs and sentiments expressed by Kneecap, but we would leap in front of a flying bullet to protect their right to express them."

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Concerned Brits are demanding that Kneecap delete their music from the internet. The campaign, Operation Smacked Bum, has already attracted support from celebrities Jim Davidson and David Van Day.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

When is it going to happen? When is Wes Streeting going to be PM?

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I can't believe Louis Theroux had the audacity to film Israelis saying the things they believe.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Just wanted to check why we've not heard from Mark Francois for a while and I accidentally found your dad's website.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I urge you all not to "get down", "par-tay", or get "your freak on" at this vulgar display of musical depravity. And if you disobey me, I shall be there, watching you, ready to issue you a formal Andy Churnwell warning. One of those forbids you from all fun for a month.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

I just remembered when this guy called me an antisemite for questioning why The Observer were still employing Nick Cohen long after he was accused by multiple women of sexual harassment.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Corbyn did this to me. I did some really good tweets and then his goons appeared in my replies calling me names. As I tried to beat them off in the discourse dojo, I fell out of my Yaris, sustaining multiple injuries.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Why did Louis Theroux pick on Max Clifford and Jimmy Savile?

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Boys who grew up playing with Vac Man, Stretch Armstrong's nemesis, have unattainable body standards. They strive to look like their hero, but know that they never will. And that's why they're so angry all the time.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Back in the '90s, riots ignited by racial oppression were quaint, jovial affairs. We all gathered around the radio to hear the sound of rappers like Ice Cube preaching politeness and a politics of compromise.

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

EXCLUSIVE Labour Party to crackdown on bees.

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

I typed the words "sensible centrism" into a super computer and it printed out this image.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Just watched Corbyn interviewing Kneecap.

submitted 5 days ago • 3 comments

The English journalist Brendan O'Neill when the topic of Ireland comes up.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

EXCLUSIVE Trump blasted big audible fart at Sir Keir during Pope's funeral and Sir Keir said nothing.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

You: Perhaps we could try making things better rather than worse for poor and vulnerable people in our society? Sir Keir, pointing to the crest on his fleece: Perhaps you can remember who the big boss man around here is?

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Young people don't understand that, before the internet was big, we all used to call this number and chat to strangers for hours. That was what "social media" was in the 1990s.

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

Back in the day, long before Only Fans, you had to buy an Amiga and games like Andy Churnwell's Sauciest Capers if you wanted to see an artist's pixelated impression of nudity.

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

The Daily Mail is actually one of the best newspapers when it comes to defending sex pests - or predators as they're less charitably called.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

#SaucyIsComing

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Sir Keir has this poster on the wall of 10 Downing Street where the Thatcher portrait used to be.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments