danielspenser.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Major congrats to my close personal friend Predator for another film. Incredible run for my boy Predator, second only to my other close personal friend The Mummy. Congrats, buddy. Hope no aliens try to v. you today!

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

New wind chimes I bought sound way better than the fire chimes I've been using.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Kicked out of another yoga retreat for doing meows and moos during the cat-cows.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

Now that the Fantastic Four movie is coming out I can share my screenplay for the Silver Surfer movie that was rejected simply for being "unsolicited."

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

Me: "Bare with me everyone, it's my first day as a pirate. Whose timbers am I shivering?" Pirate: "Me." Me: "Okay, so I'm shivering your timbers and-" Pirate: "No, ME! Shiver ME timbers." Me: "Look, we shiverin' timbers or not?" Pirate: "Arr." Me: "Sorry, ARE we shiverin' timbers or not?"

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Imagine getting beaten up by an account and then you realize it's THE Accountant.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Say what you will about the space launch, but it does prove the point that stuff go up and also sometimes down! Needless to say, space? It is here to stay!!

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

I hate when people say "hi" to me because it's like are you saying hello or hawaii?

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

I like to imagine that Sam Rockwell's character in The White Lotus is the same mustache dealer he played in Stella.

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

April Fool's Day must be like Christmas for The Joker.

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

Sure it can copy the art style, but can AI make a studio Ghibli version of Eleanor Rigby that’s just Eleanor Rigby with the “Eleanor Rigby” part changed to “Studio Ghibli”???

submitted 27 days ago • 1 comment

Hello what's up Architectural Digest one thing that's very special about this house is that I taught the ants who live downstairs to organize and they immediately turned on me so that's why we are being carried away by them right now

submitted 30 days ago • 0 comments

I was hired to write a song for the new production of Uncle Vanya but I got fired after I sent in Rock The Casbah with the "rock the casbah" part changed to "Uncle Vanya."

submitted 30 days ago • 0 comments

My favorite kind of post is "This scene was totally improvised - the reaction from the actress is genuine!" and it'll be like the main scene from Sophie's Choice.

submitted 31 days ago • 0 comments

I can't believe Pete Hegseth mixed up his DoD chat with his DnD chat.

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

INSIDE OUT: DAN Joy: "Alright, Dan's waking up. Time to start the day with the tiniest li'l stretch-" Charley Horse: 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴 Joy: "Charley, stop pushing the button, reel it in!" Charley Horse: ... Joy: "Crisis averted. Okay let's finish that li'l stret-" Charley Horse: 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴

submitted 32 days ago • 1 comment

The emptiest endorphin rush you get when you find out a successful person went to the same college as you.

submitted 37 days ago • 0 comments

Co-worker: "I'm gonna need you to run point on this one." Me: {lacing up sneakers and putting on foam finger} "You got it."

submitted 39 days ago • 0 comments

Here are some illustrations I did with my comedy troupe Captain Hippo for a pitch deck for our animated series about amateur paranormal investigators on Long Island.

submitted 40 days ago • 1 comment

Soothsayer: "Nice March you got there, be a real shame if someone were to not beware the ides of it." Julius Caesar: "What?" Soothsayer: "Look, I'm just saying the sooths over here." Julius Caesar: "What am I bewaring, exactly?" Soothsayer: "You ever think about being a salad?"

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

I heard that in the Severance finale it turns out they just work in a Dunkin Donuts.

submitted 44 days ago • 0 comments

I can't believe people have the audacity to promote the books they wrote in times like these. I am a true hero by not even trying to write a book.

submitted 44 days ago • 0 comments

Me: "For the last time, I do not like green eggs and ham." Sam-I-Am: "Would you eat them with a goat?" Me: "YES! YES!!!" Sam-I-Am: "Really? The goat is what did it?" Me: {Mouth full of green eggs and ham} "WOW, A GOAT."

submitted 47 days ago • 0 comments

Berry Factory Manager: Look, I don't know why this is so fucking complicated. Box up the boysenberries, but not the poison berries. Me: Can we just maybe call them something else- Berry Factory Manager: {pointing to sign} "SHIP THE BOYSEN, NOT THE POISON."

submitted 47 days ago • 0 comments

"You can't chew a hole through your wall." Watch me 😏. Disrupt the wall hole chewing industry by hiring me today! And don't not forget to remember to go to danielspenser.com for more inspiring messages like this.

submitted 47 days ago • 0 comments

Who wants to tell him about biplanes? www.thedailybeast.com/pete-hegseth...

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

Horror movie: "Oh no, a bunch of spiders!" Me: "Good thing I have triskaidekaphobia and not arachnophobia." Horror movie: "My god, there are 13 of them!" Me: "AIYEEEEEE!"

submitted 53 days ago • 0 comments

Enjoying White Lotus

submitted 53 days ago • 0 comments

Wearing pink to my meeting at the pink club to protest how everyone has to wear pink.

submitted 53 days ago • 0 comments

Just like Adrien Brody, I have won every Oscar I have been nominated for.

submitted 54 days ago • 0 comments

Job interviewer: "We're looking for someone who can ideate." Me: "Oh, I already ate." Job interviewer: "..." Me: "I mean, I'd eat again."

submitted 54 days ago • 0 comments

Whether it's snow, skin, or corn... FLAKES™ are here to stay!

submitted 54 days ago • 0 comments

Welcome to Space Beach, where volleyball is impossible

submitted 56 days ago • 0 comments

Pretty smart of The Bee Gees to make a song about Stayin' Alive, a thing all of us are doing at all times.

submitted 56 days ago • 1 comment

Shrek 5, what's next, Shrek 6????

submitted 59 days ago • 0 comments

Once I submitted a packet to SNL and got so panicky about it so to cool down I wrote a whole new packet for an episode hosted by a skeleton and I did not get the job and they seem to be doing fine

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

Book covers should always be a photo of someone reading the book and having a great time.

submitted 60 days ago • 1 comment

{Watching The Gorge} That must be the gorge.

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

Still waiting to hear back from the Washington Post about my op-ed "Free Market? More Like Expensive Market"

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

Uh oh folks, looks like some Hollywood wires got crossed and the new Bridget Jones is also a John Wick!

submitted 62 days ago • 0 comments

My boss at the nuclear waste facility asked for five things I did last week so I sent them a picture of all five of my middle fingers.

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments

What up it’s ya boy Sisyphus. Today I am going to try continuing to push this big rock. Don’t forget to smash that subscribe button to see more videos like this.

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments

{"Hot Blooded" voice} 🎵I'm White Lotus Check in and see A bunch of rich people are dyin' in meeee🎵

submitted 67 days ago • 1 comment