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deranton.bsky.social
Geek of a generational kind Fuzzy navel-lint gazer Midlife crisis actor My crumbs: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:5wkkbx7wog4bwlyquc7fuity/feed/aaahxlf545dfw
1,737 posts 519 followers 337 following
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Posts 27 Comments 23

TV: “Are you earthquake-prepared?” *thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer* “Yes.”

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Eat all your veggies, kids, so you can grow up to be a big, strong reply guy

submitted 9 hours ago • 2 comments

mood check: watching Chernobyl to cheer myself up

submitted 8 hours ago • 13 comments

Does anyone know how Project 2025 ends?

submitted 7 hours ago • 5 comments

*walking into work Guess I’ll save this place again.

submitted 22 hours ago • 1 comment

Maybe the real treasure was the existential dread we collected along the way

submitted 8 hours ago • 3 comments

The cognitive dissonance of smelling pumpkin spice in April is jarring

submitted 9 hours ago • 3 comments

Can't believe I've made it this long without being stabbed to death in the shower by a guy with a fondness for taxidermy and an unhealthy attachment to his overbearing dead mother.

submitted 23 hours ago • 16 comments

Insomnia would make a lovely name for a common but troubling physical-emotional disorder often exacerbated by age and anxiety

submitted 22 hours ago • 4 comments

"I'm kind of a gym rat," I say as I scour through the dumpster behind the Planet Fitness licking the chocolate off discarded protein bar wrappers.

submitted 21 hours ago • 2 comments

When I became a man, I embraced childish things.

submitted 21 hours ago • 8 comments

Chickens won't even cross the road anymore for fear of being detained.

submitted 20 hours ago • 18 comments

[narrating a documentary on owls] just look at these fucken insomniac chickens

submitted 19 hours ago • 3 comments

My kid called to get some advice about a buying a new mattress and I told him an old sailcloth filled with gleaned straw has fit the bill for his mother and me for the last several centuries

submitted 19 hours ago • 10 comments

I'm not doing this today.

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

Don’t spam text GenX.

submitted 18 hours ago • 4 comments

I find that nowadays I start a lot of my conversations with "Well in the old days."

submitted 18 hours ago • 8 comments

Messaged my doc that I tweaked my back but autocorrected to twerked and he sent me 20 bucks.

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

If at thirst you don't succeed, trap trap again

submitted 18 hours ago • 3 comments

The more I interact with people, the more I understand why that guy moved up to the barrens of Maine, built a yurt, and made wooden spoons

submitted 15 hours ago • 17 comments

Maybe the Empire wasn’t all bad. Think of all the jobs they created for subcontractors building the Death Star, all those Imperial Porta-Potty rentals, the company who made Vader’s helmet filters. That’s all part of a robust economy right there

submitted 15 hours ago • 13 comments

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

submitted 15 hours ago • 5 comments

Hey ladies can I interest you in an 11-minute trip through space? —me, flirting

submitted 15 hours ago • 6 comments

Early retirement and an enormous hunk of cheese would fix me

submitted 11 hours ago • 1 comment

Autopiloting my way through the week, as is tradition.

submitted 11 hours ago • 0 comments

Cop: Sir, do you know how fast you were going Me: "Radar Love" was on Cop: Carry on u rad motherfucker

submitted 11 hours ago • 8 comments

Reposting is for making people feel seen. Would you want to be ignored. Just saying.

submitted 11 hours ago • 10 comments