elizabeth.blog - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

1. Gym 2. Tan 3. Laundry 4. ....? 5. .........?

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

It’s interesting being pregnant and fat because the baby is currently pushing my full gut upwards and out to the front of me like, “Look at this thing, I’ve got no room for it down here, you take it up there with you.”

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

Edith loves playing hide-and-seek but she just can’t quite get the concept. When it’s my turn to hide, she says “you hide in your office.” And when it’s her turn, I say “ready or not, here I—“ and hear “I’M UNDER MY BED!!!!!”

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Just rediscovered McDonalds chicken nuggets for really the first time since childhood (I’m not healthy, just bougie) and omg how are these so superior to all other chicken nuggets and why did I ever stop eating them?

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Every night my daughter asks for a story and I say what about and she says “poop” but fortunately I spent my 20s doing improv shows for drunk Cubs fans, I know how to endlessly riff on an unoriginal low-brow prompt.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Being 43 and pregnant while parenting a 4yo is teaching me that I have the ability to sleep in conditions I never thought possible. I could now fall dead asleep while waterskiing or in a mosh pit or while being dangled by the ankles out of a helicopter, there’s really no limit.

submitted 12 days ago • 1 comment

Prison abolition but also any adult who is even passingly cruel to a child is immediately ripped to pieces by an angry mob.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

“So many parents think parenting means being up their kids’ asses every single second of the day. Let them breathe,” I smugly observe to a nearby Mom, as my daughter knocks all of her front teeth out jumping off a fifteen foot wall behind me.

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

Edith came home with a million valentines from classmates. “Did they like your valentines?” I asked her. “Oh yes,” she said. Later I found them all in her backpack. “Why didn’t you give out your valentines??” She shrugged and said, “it wasn’t the right time.”

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

Don’t worry, y’all, I happen to be in D.C. this week. I’ll head over there today and sort all this out. Anything can be fixed with clear communication and a dose of common sense!

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

It’s nice to be back in a city again. Everyone’s so ugly, and so angry. I blend better.

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

🎵 I’m a bitch, I’m a mother, I’m a bitch, I’m a mother, I am really only those two things. 🎵

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

My 3yo “bouncing” two fingers on it, “Mama your boob is kinda like a trampoline.”

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

At this point my body is like a condemned building squatters have been living in and I wish some boring young white girl would move into it for awhile and flip it. Put some shiplap up and hang a big clock, Idk.

submitted 32 days ago • 1 comment

Hey I see you struggling and just want you to remember you can always do that somewhere more private

submitted 32 days ago • 20 comments

People who cold wash their clothes just go around smelling of reactivated pit stink. A non-vanquished pit stink that comes roaring back at 10am is ten times worse than the original.

submitted 33 days ago • 1 comment

There are only two true “care instructions” for clothes: dry clean only, or boiling hot regular wash with everything else then tumble dry on high for 50 minutes. Anything else, please be serious.

submitted 33 days ago • 0 comments

Anyone who refers to their clothes as “garments” or “pieces” needs a bully to dangle them by the ankles until they get a grip and apologize.

submitted 33 days ago • 0 comments

With this pregnancy I have evening sickness so every night while my family has dinner, I sit in the shower with an ice cube in my mouth.

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

I’m glad I don’t date anymore because creating a profile would be impossible. Like, “please have leftist politics, generally, but also be annoyed by and embarrassed by outspoken leftists, YOU know the ones mean (must know the ones I mean).”

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

I cannot read male writers or poets anymore because all I can ever think is “your wife was taking care of your kids while you were out in the shed writing this instead of making any money.”

submitted 34 days ago • 1 comment

Congratulations to emergency workers in Hays County, Texas for winning their first union contract! cwa-union.org/news/texas-e...

submitted 35 days ago • 1 comment

Anyone looking for an inescapable distraction from the news today is welcome to babysit my three-year-old who has been indoors for three straight days due to weather.

submitted 39 days ago • 0 comments

Sending Greg Abbott daily status updates on the state of my pregnancy.

submitted 40 days ago • 0 comments

I was prepared for most physical aspects of aging and determined to be self-accepting about it, but I'll admit, I did not in any way foresee my chin becoming connected directly to my collarbone. That one snuck up on me and now I'm Nora Ephron.

submitted 40 days ago • 1 comment

While everyone’s mad at Snoop Dogg, seems a good time to mention he was one of the Girls Gone Wild guys, which seems to have been totally memory-holed. Even got sued by some women and settled out of court.

submitted 41 days ago • 0 comments

Active shooter drills are child abuse.

submitted 405 days ago • 0 comments

One day (if it has not already happened), you are going to get a diagnosis that explains everything about you. You are going to find this so personally clarifying that you will want to talk about it all the time, to everyone. Now. This is very important: RESIST THIS IMPULSE.

submitted 53 days ago • 0 comments

My daughter’s fuzzy back hair swirls into a perfectly round pinwheel at this one point on her spine and it’s the closest thing I have to a personal religion.

submitted 54 days ago • 0 comments

The real question isn’t why anyone would cook when you can order takeout or why you’d spend money on takeout when you can just cook. The real question is why anyone ever does either thing when it takes two seconds and costs nothing to melt cheese on chips.

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

Man, a lot of people sure are ragingly self-righteous about knowing how to batch cook beans and rice, damn.

submitted 55 days ago • 1 comment

Librarian to me while checking out my reserve pile: "Wow, this looks like you went through a Best of 2024 list and just reserved everything on it!" My ego may never recover from being sunnily called a basic lit bitch to my face by a librarian in Crackerville TX.

submitted 55 days ago • 1 comment

At this point it is physically impossible for any size or configuration of mere cloth and wire to hold my breasts up. I need to walk around with a mammogram machine strapped to me, it’s the only way.

submitted 57 days ago • 0 comments

I used to think I did not like children. Then I had a child and realized it was parents I disliked.

submitted 58 days ago • 0 comments

“What should we name the new babies? Beatrice, Joy, and Lily?” 3yo: “Tinkle, Tink-a-dinkle, and Table.”

submitted 65 days ago • 1 comment

One of my core beliefs is that there is a gene that controls whether or not you can braid hair, like the cilantro one.

submitted 67 days ago • 0 comments

Every night my three-year-old has a popsicle in our scuzzy bathtub and she projects such utter tranquility and serene contentment that she looks like an ad for a thousand dollar a night wellness spa.

submitted 67 days ago • 0 comments

I'm so sedentary my smart watch thinks I'm asleep for 3/4 of the day.

submitted 74 days ago • 1 comment