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eliztopher.bsky.social
writer/theatre designer they/them
37 posts 49 followers 59 following
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Posts 44 Comments 5

I look forward to a day when even people I’d spit on for sport get low cost or even free insulin because I hate pointless deaths under capitalism.

submitted 10 hours ago • 2 comments

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: okay red means stop and green means go ME: got it DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: good then put in the key and start the car ME: before we green can we make a pit red i have to green to the bathroom

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

How it started. How it’s going

submitted 2 days ago • 266 comments

What’s wrong, babe? You haven’t touched your Eggo-brand alcoholic Appalachian sippin’ cream

submitted 2 days ago • 290 comments

[first day as a waiter] CUSTOMER: you never brought us our order ME: you said i could take it

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

GOP: let’s pretend to help people while we steal from them and they probably won’t notice Dems: let’s think about doing something as part of a 26 step process that respects the bipartisanship of 1996, and then cop out

submitted 3 days ago • 12 comments

1920s gangster: yeah boys we're gonna go murder some people tonight we're gonna be death incarnate hey turn on the radio let's get in da mood for blood Radio: buzzy buzzy bee/ the bee goes buzz/ whoop whoop whoopee/ that's what the bee does

submitted 3 days ago • 20 comments

ME: see you later alligator CROCODILE: the fuck you just call me MRS. CROCODILE: just leave it harold he's not worth it

submitted 5 days ago • 11 comments

Me: you know they used to kill horses for glue? Friend: no way [flashback to 1953] Farmer: [cocks gun] Horse: [holding tube of Elmer's] no I need this for my crafts

submitted 6 days ago • 13 comments

Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses theonion.com/man-wit...

submitted 8 days ago • 24 comments

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

I should only get benefits from living in a society. If I also have obligations that's communism

submitted 13 days ago • 28 comments

someone at work stole my allergy medicine so i’m making a list of everyone who sneezes and the last one left is getting their tires slashed

submitted 17 days ago • 4 comments

It's cool how, before speaking with a human customer service representative, you need to first defeat a chatbot boss that knows neither meaning nor the scent of fresh air.

submitted 24 days ago • 14 comments

White people DEI was when there was all the sudden always aioli coming as the default condiment with my french fries instead of ketchup

submitted 24 days ago • 79 comments

BOSS: we need a name for this sandwich restaurant MARKETING: jimmy restrooms BOSS: what no MARKETING: jimmy lavatories BOSS: absolutely not MARKETING: jimmy toilets BOSS: come on now MARKETING: jimmy johns BOSS: oh i love it

submitted 24 days ago • 67 comments

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

have you ever seen a moly that wasn't holy no you have not

submitted 24 days ago • 12 comments

submitted 24 days ago • 17 comments

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

I mean yes, you are correct that these ppl are hypocrites, but you also have had nearly a decade to realize they do not care about you pointing this out *at all*. which makes all these posts feel a bit masturbatory

submitted 27 days ago • 122 comments

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

swimming pool full of liquor? idk Kendrick. that doesn't seem safe

submitted 28 days ago • 10 comments

submitted 28 days ago • 0 comments

“Finders, keepers” is a rule written by finders, as any weeper will tell you.

submitted 32 days ago • 3 comments

checking in on the anti-aging guy and his large son talmage

submitted 31 days ago • 811 comments

Can you guys believe that grammatical error on page 19 of the user manual for the LG WD-14576RD washing machine?! Talk about amateur hour!

submitted 35 days ago • 17 comments

with tiktok out of the picture I think we are gonna see webcomics finally come back in a big way

submitted 35 days ago • 33 comments

submitted 37 days ago • 127 comments

I can tie a hot dog in a knot with my tongue.

submitted 38 days ago • 39 comments

me: what are you doing friday jesus: dying for your sins me: oh jesus: yeah me: well what about thursday jesus: i’m washing like twelve guy’s feet me: if you don’t want to see a movie with me you can just say it

submitted 41 days ago • 10 comments

submitted 41 days ago • 17 comments

Them: Wow, how did you get the glass so clean? Me: There's a method to my madness.

submitted 41 days ago • 11 comments

acab includes dry january

submitted 42 days ago • 8 comments

child custody rap battle

submitted 44 days ago • 68 comments

Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance theonion.com/man-suc...

submitted 44 days ago • 97 comments

Here is an ongoing list of LA restaurants that are offering shelter, food, and support to first responders and evacuees: bit.ly/LAaid

submitted 46 days ago • 86 comments

I’ve heard of robots replacing physicians but this seems a bit of a stretch

submitted 46 days ago • 30 comments

[inventing crickets] make them love bad jokes

submitted 46 days ago • 3 comments

I just flew in from Chernobyl and boy are my arms legs

submitted 47 days ago • 49 comments

"smart dishwasher" why the fuck would I want a smart dishwasher I like my appliances stupid and meek thank you very much

submitted 49 days ago • 321 comments

2025 will see me continue to make internet strangers happy while making everyone I know irl miserable

submitted 53 days ago • 10 comments

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

submitted 55 days ago • 256 comments

I heard there was a secret ooze that turned four reptiles into dudes, but you don’t really care for turtles do ya

submitted 63 days ago • 57 comments