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gr8-cornholio.bsky.social
I like babycarrots
17 posts 25 followers 36 following
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Long, drawn-out, heavy metal growl, but it's just me trying to get out of bed

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

MARY TODD LINCOLN: what are you wearing to your gettysburg whatchamacallit ABE LINCOLN: *address MARY TODD LINCOLN: do u want to borrow one of mine

submitted 9 days ago • 9 comments

his name is lindsay graham because he's a big dumb cracker

submitted 8 days ago • 53 comments

“A truly brilliant film.” - Variety “Intoxicating.” - The New York Times “Magnifique!” - Cahiers du Cinéma “What a piece of shit.” - My dad

submitted 195 days ago • 5 comments

god: it's called a snapping turtle angel: so cute, why would he call you a sna - snapping turtle: OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP

submitted 11 days ago • 7 comments

I heard you like bad girls Well, I'm bad At everything *winks at you with both eyes*

submitted 24 days ago • 4 comments

Me: I need to get railed Him: Oh yeah, baby. Me: *hands him ropes* Here, tie me to the train tracks.

submitted 25 days ago • 4 comments

She makes me want to be a better business bureau.

submitted 26 days ago • 2 comments

working as a physics professor at mit and leaving cleaning tips on the whiteboard next to the janitor’s office

submitted 27 days ago • 7 comments

PROCTOLOGIST: we need to do some follow up scans ME: but doctor- PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling me that

submitted 26 days ago • 4 comments

We all hate you. Regards, the linguist

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny. Me: People on Bluesky think I’m funny. Dad: What kind of drug is Bluesky?

submitted 64 days ago • 10 comments

SON: Dad, when you were a kid, did Disney have a website? ME *thinking about the time I found a stopwatch in the junk drawer, and it kept me and my friends occupied for two weeks*: No

submitted 61 days ago • 0 comments

The Secretary of Homeland Security is walking around without a driver's license or passport. ICE has the chance to do the funniest thing.

submitted 64 days ago • 5 comments

TRISCUIT BOX: recommended serving 6 triscuits ME: *calculating* that's 18 scuits

submitted 64 days ago • 29 comments

got kicked out of the cheese party for saying “don’t mind if i fondue” every time i was offered something

submitted 69 days ago • 22 comments

If you want to start a zoo, you need a grizzly and a panda. These are the bear necessities.

submitted 71 days ago • 15 comments

A combination costume shop and religious gathering place - A Blessing in Disguise

submitted 69 days ago • 5 comments

ELON MUSK: I am in full war mode PERSON IN THE BATHROOM STALL NEXT TO HIM: I can hear you

submitted 71 days ago • 10 comments

Courtesy of today’s GOP…👇 Enjoy. 😎✨

submitted 69 days ago • 158 comments

"Mirror... Mirror... on the wall... who's the highest of them all?" "I'm a microwave."

submitted 88 days ago • 6 comments

Silence of the Lambs taught me a lot about wine pairings.

submitted 74 days ago • 8 comments

“Supercuts?” “How’d ya know?”

submitted 79 days ago • 3 comments

@buckyisotope.bsky.social Bucky is this you?

submitted 81 days ago • 0 comments

I actually got pregnant on a pullout sofa if anyone needs an oxymoron

submitted 97 days ago • 19 comments

“Nuts and bolts” sounds like something you do after sex.

submitted 82 days ago • 2 comments

I slept eight hours straight and one hour gay and I feel fabulous.

submitted 103 days ago • 10 comments

She was radiant, like a space heater.

submitted 84 days ago • 9 comments

yes, but he still has to sound out some of the longer words

submitted 84 days ago • 10 comments

One step closer to the prophecy

submitted 84 days ago • 5 comments

*puts "I bought this before Elon went crazy" sticker on my 1987 Ford Bronco*

submitted 85 days ago • 2 comments

Plot twist, I've got the cat's tongue.

submitted 86 days ago • 67 comments

Gotta mute the war chat so Pete, JD and Tulsi don't spoil the latest episode of The White Lotus

submitted 93 days ago • 3 comments

Pharmacist: May, I help you? Me: Sure. What’s on tap?

submitted 139 days ago • 5 comments

My husband has 2 pairs of crocs, one for summer and one for winter. So what I’m saying is don’t rush into marriage

submitted 95 days ago • 11 comments

Most of my posts go straight to dvd.

submitted 94 days ago • 13 comments

mental health-wise it's important that you get as much validation as you need to sustain your delusions

submitted 94 days ago • 8 comments

Is it bad that I pretend I’m interrogating the teabag while I’m dunking it

submitted 105 days ago • 36 comments

Why doesn't anyone talk about Santa having a reindeer named Vixen?

submitted 202 days ago • 72 comments

Yes I know them, we went to Twitter together.

submitted 644 days ago • 20 comments

Due to irreconcilable differences, I shall be divorcing myself from reality.

submitted 111 days ago • 13 comments

Doctor: You should eat more greens. Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

submitted 106 days ago • 2 comments

I'm not very hungry. Just one spaghetto for me, please.

submitted 108 days ago • 3 comments

Happy International Daylight Women's Saving Day Time Weekend!

submitted 108 days ago • 0 comments

“oh no what will we do about all these disaffected young men” look it’s simple: they just need to join an underground bareknuckle boxing ring that gradually transforms into a terrorist organisation

submitted 109 days ago • 76 comments

I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

submitted 169 days ago • 25 comments

"that's crazy" "oh wow" "nice" if you hear all three, it's time to 𝘸𝘳𝘢𝘱 𝘪𝘵 𝘶𝘱

submitted 112 days ago • 35 comments

CAESAR: hey what do you call it when it rains those big lumps of ice BRUTUS: hail, caesar

submitted 109 days ago • 4 comments