Profile avatar
henry3000.bsky.social
MySpace refugee
80 posts 652 followers 490 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 49 Comments 0

Just had a balsamic wilted salad with leftover tandoori chicken on top and feel compelled to weave a tapestry over it.

submitted 13 hours ago • 0 comments

Who said my slopes are slippery

submitted 3 hours ago • 0 comments

Air fryer garlic Bread. Heaven

submitted 6 hours ago • 1 comment

White Russian = Créme de la Kremlin

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

As long as they pretended they didn't know I knew, I'd let anyone watch me dance naked.

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

Would it be forward of me to reset your clocks?

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Sure, make fun of my cargo pants but sooner or later you're going to need a cocktail shaker or a map of 11th century France.

submitted 19 hours ago • 23 comments

Mediocrity is full of people who hate you just because they don’t know how to hurt you.

submitted 9 hours ago • 1 comment

failed to save the daylight again but still hopeful

submitted 6 hours ago • 1 comment

When driving, I feel it’s important to get acquainted with every curb.

submitted 4 hours ago • 1 comment

The laws of America seem as thin as the mythology of its founding.

submitted 3 hours ago • 0 comments

Welcome to your 50’s. AARP now has you under 24 hour surveillance.

submitted 3 hours ago • 2 comments

halfway through the paragraph i pivoted from talking about her boobs to talking about toilet paper, just to see if i could

submitted 10 hours ago • 1 comment

In protest of daylight savings l will be listening to if l could turn back time all damn day.

submitted 14 hours ago • 0 comments

Rub A Dub Dub leaves me with so many goddamn questions tho

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

retracing my steps to maybe find where I left my dignity

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Look, I think you're great, just not as much as you do.

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

ripley's believe it or else (i have a gun)

submitted 93 days ago • 3 comments

I took a test to prove I’m human and failed, which honestly is kind of a relief at this point.

submitted 5 days ago • 4 comments

Sorry I missed your emails. I’m not some kind of obsessive who checks his emails every single year.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

I can’t be everywhere all at once so I kind of just stay in this one spot a whole lot and hope it’s more efficient.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Omg. Just listening to the Severance podcast and I can’t believe Patricia Arquette ad libbed the line about Jack Frost running out of dandruff shampoo. She’s so weird, I adore her

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I hate waking up with a renewed sense of optimism, only to find myself on a park bench somewhere, missing a kidney.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Don't be angry with me because I spoke the truth. Be angry with me because I'm an asshole.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

[1981, dancing at CBGB] Her: Blondie is so cool! Me: Dagwood’s kind of a chump though

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

You can always tell you have a single author/scriptwriter when they have characters who've been married for 20 years say "I'll be right back" when they go to the kitchen to make coffee.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

This world may not be perfect, but at least it’s fucked.

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

Guy Sculpting Mt Rushmore: fuck, this looks nothing like John Wayne motorboating Rita Hayworth Passerby: Dude is that Roosevelt Guy: uh, yeah

submitted 10 days ago • 3 comments

My daughter said something was "as warm as a newborn cookie," and that is how I will now refer to all freshly baked goods.

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

Does anyone know the Greek for “sock”? I want to describe my sexuality accurately, but with dignity

submitted 9 days ago • 2 comments

Why do we call it running errands, rather than store trek?

submitted 10 days ago • 14 comments

*extreme Archer voice* Oh my god

submitted 9 days ago • 3 comments

not saying im drunk, but I definitely put the “unctioning al” in “fun coholic”

submitted 9 days ago • 7 comments

i'm cool with omens because i've read enough tolstoy to know the signs

submitted 10 days ago • 1 comment

any post could be your last

submitted 12 days ago • 3 comments

Took a vacation with my dad and he only called me a communist once

submitted 11 days ago • 54 comments

Can’t sell you a gold card for citizenship but I know where there’s a hole in the fence at the Marshfield Fair. We can get some fried dough, go look at the big pumpkins

submitted 11 days ago • 5 comments

Be nice to people just to see the fear in their eyes.

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

I'm only familiar with the archaic definition of aesthetic or, as Leonard Cohen was known to say, Hallelujah.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Close your eyes and envision world peace. Now keep them closed and envision me doing the dick helicopter. Now open your eyes and TA DAAA ONE OF THOSE CAME TRUE

submitted 32 days ago • 12 comments

Thanks to 4K technology we no longer need endure watching 'The Warriors' in 70s Panavision. Now, we can sit back and enjoy the epic journey of our heroes looking like they just stepped out of a 90s era telenovela.

submitted 32 days ago • 4 comments

And there we all were, worrying that TikTok might access kids' data - while Twitter got access to everyone's pension money.

submitted 33 days ago • 0 comments

This is my emotional support medically induced coma.

submitted 33 days ago • 2 comments

I'll be in the bunker under The Greenbrier if you need me.

submitted 33 days ago • 4 comments

will I hit 20k followers before I have to flee my country? it's not looking good

submitted 33 days ago • 4 comments

How am I going to explain what’s happening in the world to my cat

submitted 33 days ago • 20 comments

I guess I can’t take it to the next level from the couch.

submitted 33 days ago • 2 comments

Welcome to your 60s. … I SAID WELCOME TO YOUR 60S. … YOUR 60S! YOUR 6—fuck it never mind.

submitted 33 days ago • 1 comment

Miracle Whip on 34th Street somebody clean that up

submitted 32 days ago • 4 comments