hideoustasha.bsky.social
worst person alive
729 posts
121 followers
96 following
Getting Started
Active Commenter
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it is what it is. it doesn't matter. nobody gives a shit. nothing will change. tale as old as time.
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I know you don't want to see yourself as contributing to an environment where people feel emboldened to harass others in this way, but you are. you feel "enraged" that people are leveling the same criticisms that you are. I don't see a difference.
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it was kind of you to say this but idk how to respond. you frequently rip other people about what they make and how they engage with fandom and cast aspersions on people's motives for making fanworks. honestly idk why you follow me bc the things I make seem like they would be abhorrent to you.
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if you hate something so much and you hate the people who make it, why can't you just leave them alone
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it's true everywhere, always has been, not a human but the lowest slug upon the earth
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even when you want something from me, the rule is you can speak to me any way you want, you can treat me however you like, you can make the most heinous accusations, bc I don't count as a human
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been reflecting lately on how I am universally despised, there's not a person in this county who would speak to me if it weren't for my job, I don't exist to anybody unless they want something from me
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I can never win, I can never do anything successfully, nothing I do is enough and it never will be, that goes for all areas of life, it's as true online as it is irl
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it doesn't matter how much reporting you do on public schools, how much time and energy you put into getting the facts and putting them out there for the comment, everyone just wants more more more and they'll turn on you in a second if they think you're not giving enough
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I spent the morning getting yelled at by a superintendent who falsely accused me of trying to sabotage the levy that's up for election tomorrow because I reported the district’s own talking points about the levy and what it will pay for, but I didn't do enough spin or something
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omg tell your cat I said hello! and thank you for reading 💕
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great minds think alike or something haha. it actually makes me feel more confident in my character choices because I feel like we can't BOTH be wrong about how it would go down 🙈
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I just took a peek at your fic and I was like "yes, this person gets it!" I'm glad other writers are exploring this concept because I feel like a lot of different things can be done with it. I look forward to reading your fic!
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I don't know. I wish it was fun. I wanted to have fun so much but I just never can. I just want to enjoy something for a while and exist somewhere and I can't. you're very kind. I won't bother you in your dms.
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and I know I look like an attention seeking piece of shit. I know I make everyone uncomfortable. I wish so much that I had somewhere I could be and without publicly humiliating myself. I wish I could make just one person understand how I feel. it's difficult to be by yourself all the time.
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I think I need to go away from this space too. I'm just causing problems here.
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I don't know where it comes from. it's always been there and it will always be there. there's such a thing as a bad person and unfortunately that's what I am. that's actually what I learned in therapy. it's in my clinical notes and everything. I think that's all there is to it.
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there isn't anything to believe. everyone was in agreement. there are clinical definitions and I don't meet them. that's all.
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I have explicitly told therapists and doctors and crisis counselors how I feel and what I experience. I have walked them through the method, materials and location and I had prepared for killing myself. nobody cared. just sent me away. I'm not a real person and I don't count.
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that's the thing. I'm not depressed. this has been well established by multiple professionals. to be depressed, there has to be impaired function, and I'm functional, so I'm not depressed. being a piece of shit is not a medical condition, so there's nothing to be done about it.
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I've tried a regular doctor and a nurse practitioner. same answer, "you go to work and wash your hair and pay your bills, you're fine, go away." so no referral, nothing. can't even get in to see a psychiatrist for the same reason. I'm 100% locked out of everything.
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every therapist I reached out to turned me away bc they don't want to deal with suicidal people, except for one. she wouldn't entertain any talk about medication bc I'm too functional to need it and then fired me after six months because I wasn't getting better fast enough.
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I'm sorry to be such a downer and I promise I'm not trying to be difficult. but I have been unable to access medication or really anything.
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I'm glad you're able to continue making the things you want to make. I just don't have the fortitude. bad brain, bad ideas, etc. it is what it is.
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basically as long as I'm washing my hair and going to work, it's all good, nothing to see here, and that's how I've handled it ever since, my feelings don't actually matter and there is nothing to be done about them
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turns out you can go to the local crisis center and tell them the suicide hotline volunteer convinced you to go there instead of killing yourself like you planned and they'll just tell you "if you were really suicidal, you wouldn't tell anyone, you would just do it" and send you away
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that's the funny thing. I went through a whole period a couple of years ago where I tried to get help/resources and it turns out there is literally nothing available for a person like me because a person like me is never considered to be at risk or in need of help
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unfortunately have too many people relying on my income to leave my job, especially considering I can't even get unrelated entry level work elsewhere. it is what it is.
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I've removed myself from all the other spaces I was in and where I wasn't really contributing anyway
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how is it that I manage to do everything wrong, no matter where I go
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you're very kind. it's not burnout for me tbh. it's what I am as a person and it doesn't get better and it is a personal failure. everything I do is a personal failure. I'm just sorry I exposed people to it again.
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unfortunately I am not qualified to do any other type of work or to work elsewhere. I only have this job is because it's a shitty paper where nobody wants to work. I've been turned down for every other job I've applied for in the past 4 years. I'm not wanted anywhere else. it is what it is.
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there's no version of me that is happy, no matter what I do or don't do. I'm either irritating people online or nobody sees me at all. that's the only difference. it doesn't matter either way. same result.
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I'm glad you found something that works for you.
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it's sad to think that you've got to be basically euphoric about something to do it at all bc I'll never get there. but you're right. I don't have options except to stop. I wish I never started bc it's just one more thing I failed at but no fixing it now. thank you.
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that's the funny thing. I don't really enjoy anything and haven't for many years. occasionally I will kid myself into thinking I can get enjoyment out of something. usually writing bc I used to enjoy it so much. but it never works out. there's nothing. it is what it is.
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that's the thing. I wanted it to be fun. I wanted to enjoy it. I hate that it's not and I can't. I wish I had never started so at least I wouldn't have failed again.
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I feel like it's just the standard tbh. and the problem is I can't do the things I'm supposed to do. even people who don't totally hate the tropes I write tend to hate the way I write them. can't do anything right. I look at my writing and I just can't stand it but I can't fix it either.
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you're very kind. I don't know. I work all day and get abusive calls and emails and sometimes yelled at in public. I come home and can't write bc my brain is bad and when I try, all I can see is how shitty it all is and why people don't like it. I wish I had never started tbh. there's just no point.
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I don't know. people like to say this is such a welcoming fandom where you can make the things you want to make. but people say that about every fandom and it's never true. you have to do it exactly the right way or you catch massive shit and people call you a fetishist and a creep.
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thank you for always being so kind
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I am so tired and I am so embarrassed, I knew better than to try fandom or writing again, I'm sorry I couldn't make something better or less repulsive, I used to think if I could just make something good enough then things would be fixed and people would like me, I'll try to stop bothering everyone
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I used to love writing but I lost the ability to do it 5+ years ago and it will never come back, I write all day for work but only about terrible things and terrible people and my community hates me for it, there is no relief, everybody else at work gets flowers and I get called slurs
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my brain is melted anyway, I was never going to finish, being unable to finish is not actually better for my mental health but it doesn't matter because it's impossible to continue and I've never been able to explain myself clearly enough for someone to understand how I felt
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like what was I thinking?? that it would be a nice little respite, a place to have fun, but it's not and it can't be because there are no spaces for disgusting people like me