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hulme.bsky.social
I’m posting jokes/pics I’ve received/sent on MMS/sms/email from the last 15 years. Enjoy 😊
528 posts 47 followers 17 following
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Posts 46 Comments 4

#dogsofbluesky

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www.apple.com/uk/newsroom/...

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I’ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.

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Teacher: How much is a gramme? Johnny: Dunno, depends what yer buying or selling.

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The man who invented the crossword died recently and was buried in our local cemetery. If you wish to pay your respects, you go through the main gates and his grave can be found 8 down and 6 across.

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If someone told me 50 years ago that people would be eating food from a bucket, or that they'd be taking pictures of themselves all the time, I wouldn’t believe them.

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I ordered a big book on Feng Shui, rearranged the living room, got rid of the bookshelves. Now I've nowhere to put it.

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I ran out of petrol for my lawnmower, so as an experiment I filled it up with vodka. Now the lawn is half cut.

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This severance edit is why they wanted to ban tiktok 🤣🤣🤣

submitted 3 days ago • 24 comments

I was walking past a farm and saw a sign, "Duck, eggs." I thought, "that's an unnecessary comma." Then it hit me.

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Just found out my wife is a ghost. I had my suspicions as soon as she walked through the door.

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I was asked what Morrissey has for breakfast with his toast. I said I didn't know...but Johnny Marr might.

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What's the difference between paraffin and petrol? There's two f's in paraffin, but no effin petrol…

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What do you call an old footballer? Gerry Hattrick.

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9to5mac.com/2025/02/19/a...

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The only thing I used to take seriously in the newspapers was Fish and Chips. And even that I took with a pinch of salt.

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I ran into the vets this morning and shouted to the receptionist, “Quick. My hamster is in serious trouble!” “Hamster?” she laughed. “That’s a snake.”

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What do you call a ghost at a jumble sale? A bargain haunter.

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People are shocked when they find out what a terrible electrician I am.

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What’s the collective term for three couch potatoes? A suite potato.

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I’m off to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan… Awning has broken!

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It seems my weight problem goes back to when I was a baby. Instead of a stork, I had to be delivered by a crane.

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Last #Valentine'sday, I made a special effort so my wife would wake up with a smile on her face. Now I'm not allowed marker pens in the house.

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Roses are red Violets are blue...

submitted 10 days ago • 18 comments

Valentine’s Day advice please. Should I give her a dozen roses, or should I give her the whole tin? #ValentinesDay

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Roses are red, Roses are nice, I'll get yours tomorrow, They’ll be half price... #ValentinesDay

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I've got a new pet termite, I've called him Clint: Clint eats wood.

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They had one job!

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At school I was the best at wasting paper by quite a large margin.

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Today’s top story: Undercover bee dies in sting operation.

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9to5mac.com/2025/02/12/f...

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Should the Indian Variant of Covid, really be called 'Vindaflu'? Of course you can have the PunJab.

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I used to be a glassblower, but I inhaled and now I've got a pane in the chest.

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I categorically refuse to believe there is a word to describe the thickness of tights.

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The Powerbeats Pro 2 are here! - Heart rate monitoring - Apple H2 chip - Dramatically slimmer design - 33% smaller charging case (with USB-C and Qi charging!) - Up to 45 hours of battery life These things are very, very good. $249.99 and available to order today.

submitted 12 days ago • 3 comments

The actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and never wore after shave. That's right Yul never wore cologne.

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

I grilled a chicken for half an hour yesterday. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

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Interviewer: How do you explain the 4 year gap in your CV? Me: that's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: that's very impressive. You're hired. Me: Thanks I really need this Yob

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Doctor: Describe your average night. Me: Well, they mostly wear suits of armour. Doctor: No, I mean at bedtime. Me: Oh, then they probably take it off.

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Hey big news! I just got accepted in a porn movie role! I'm the husband going to work.

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Amazing Fact You need at least 1 Witness to prove a murder and a minimum of 2 Witnesses to register a marriage! It clarifies which is the most dangerous!

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