Profile avatar
hushjared.bsky.social
I’m going to overcome dyslexia or try dying. Conversational in sarcasm. Bill Nye, I’m coming for your ass! Find my skeets at this link: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:rplkkgeiyw4ndoqhbuqxotyx/feed/aaalqibln62cu
1,067 posts 3,320 followers 530 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 43 Comments 7

It’s not going as planned -gestures wildly at everything

submitted 10 days ago • 2 comments

Please remove me from the top of the food chain as there are simply too many options. Kindly insert me into a group that already has dinner figured out for the rest of their lives, anteaters for example

submitted 10 days ago • 8 comments

my father was killed by a heart shaped box of chocolates you son of a bitch

submitted 10 days ago • 11 comments

SON: Daddy, what's a word for when you don't eat for a long time? ME: Fast HIM: Daddywhatsawordforwhenyoudonteatforalongtime WIFE: *crying* He's never moving out, is he?

submitted 10 days ago • 4 comments

bought ten cuz i wanna get effin jacked

submitted 10 days ago • 19 comments

Happy Valentine's babe, I hope you like the karate video I made for you.

submitted 10 days ago • 6 comments

She is going to love this Valentine's Day PowerPoint.

submitted 10 days ago • 17 comments

This Valentine's Day I'm giving my wife the gift of not bugging her for sex.

submitted 9 days ago • 13 comments

a group of guys in the drug store card section is called a "panic"

submitted 9 days ago • 3 comments

My math skills include trying to figure out how much of a problem I'm going to be.

submitted 9 days ago • 7 comments

Charles Schultz was like, “What if Snoopy fucked,” and Joe Cool was born.

submitted 13 days ago • 10 comments

ngl, i ate like a king this morning *had one (1) egg

submitted 13 days ago • 2 comments

Do not fuck with me. I was raised by the mean tweets of Twitter.

submitted 13 days ago • 24 comments

i saw my wife eating grape nuts with my ice cream eating spoon and i’m having a hard time with it. that spoon is for fun only

submitted 12 days ago • 143 comments

If I worked in a restaurant in New Orleans, I’d blame voodoo anytime a customer was upset.

submitted 12 days ago • 6 comments

if you press a nipple and the clit at the same time it takes a screenshot

submitted 12 days ago • 39 comments

watched an octopus documentary and the narrator said they sometimes punch fish out of spite and I’ve never been more in love with anything in my life

submitted 228 days ago • 30 comments

Everything the government spends money on is wasteful except the stuff that enriches me personally

submitted 12 days ago • 2 comments

"What's your favourite dinosaur and why?", should be a legitimate question for ANY job interview.

submitted 11 days ago • 11 comments

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

submitted 11 days ago • 16 comments

It was foolish to assume the American empire could survive the internet

submitted 10 days ago • 9 comments

they can take over the entire country but they can never actually be cool and it will eat at them forever

submitted 14 days ago • 1052 comments

funniest highlights of the philly police scanner, a thread

submitted 14 days ago • 256 comments

Dating app called “Who Da Fuq Single, Rn.” Is this anything?

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

waiter: do you have a reservation? me: well yes I think your prices are too high, but I promised my date we’d give it a go so here I am

submitted 437 days ago • 2 comments

Well, well, well. If it isn’t the consequences of my lifelong political apathy. And I see you brought an asteroid, too.

submitted 16 days ago • 6 comments

Why is it called a fear boner and not petrified wood?

submitted 16 days ago • 8 comments

WAITER: *telling us the specials* WIFE: Mmmm sounds delicious. ME: *not looking up from the menu* You can't taste sound, Sharon.

submitted 16 days ago • 19 comments

Turned on the local NPR station for the first time in months. There was nothing but long, drawn out sighs and the sound of ice cubes in a tumbler. Someone was making goat noises in the distance.

submitted 19 days ago • 22 comments

My dog is like "You seem tense. Have you tried napping all day, with occasional readjustments?"

submitted 16 days ago • 30 comments

It's amusing that my therapist tells me to speak freely... yet charges me $200 an hour.

submitted 24 days ago • 10 comments

Gonna slam a Zima and play some lawn darts in the basement.

submitted 16 days ago • 22 comments

wife: *eyeing present* is this another dead cat schrödinger: well yes and no

submitted 426 days ago • 5 comments

They need to make museums open 24/7. Buzzed off 2 hard seltzers at 10:30pm is when I’m *most* interested in old artifacts from the titanic

submitted 16 days ago • 65 comments

[pennywise the clown listening to a tribe called quest] can they kick WHAT

submitted 16 days ago • 6 comments

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

submitted 16 days ago • 16 comments

In arrears sounds like something that should be wayyy more fun

submitted 17 days ago • 9 comments

a romantic holiday where everyone stops talking and we give each other quiet as a gift

submitted 17 days ago • 30 comments

They say the first 4.543 billion years are the hardest.

submitted 16 days ago • 8 comments

Me: I like my wine like I like my women Sommelier: haha, well then allow me to recomm- Me: [closing wine menu] big titty wine pls

submitted 42 days ago • 16 comments

Dating app called “Who Da Fuq Single, Rn.” Is this anything?

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

The takeover of Twitter was a preview of what we're all living with now and a stark example of why you can't let any one person have too much money: they go insane and make themselves everybody's problem

submitted 19 days ago • 587 comments

i’ll never understand people who get in the fast lane just to drive the speed limit. this lane is for CRIME

submitted 22 days ago • 24 comments