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hushjared.bsky.social
I’m going to overcome dyslexia or try dying. Conversational in sarcasm. Bill Nye, I’m coming for your ass! Find my skeets at this link: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:rplkkgeiyw4ndoqhbuqxotyx/feed/aaalqibln62cu
1,138 posts 3,355 followers 552 following
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Posts 40 Comments 10

Our long national nightmare is over

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but can't think of what to name it other than Fed Ex

submitted 9 days ago • 28 comments

Her: I love a tough guy Me: I’ve got some scars Her: Ooh. Show me one. Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

submitted 8 days ago • 7 comments

I know I truly love and care about someone when I add their location to my weather app so I can check to see what their day is like over there

submitted 9 days ago • 27 comments

Hm okay waiter not as charmed by "drinking for two" as "eating for two"

submitted 8 days ago • 4 comments

how was headache + sneezing not a finishing move in mortal kombat

submitted 9 days ago • 14 comments

m&m eggs mean they're not mammals

submitted 8 days ago • 48 comments

presidents should get a probationary period and if their approval rating falls below 50% at any point within their first three months in office we get to eject them from the country with a catapult

submitted 8 days ago • 125 comments

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise? Me: … Define “you”

submitted 8 days ago • 6 comments

i hate these stupid mobile game ads that are like "my husband cheated! help me get revenge!" and then the revenge is a makeover. girl fuck that, hit him with your car

submitted 8 days ago • 51 comments

Therapist: “Do you have any mental illness in your family? Me: “Well, I have an uncle who thinks DonaldTrump is brilliant trade negotiator.”

submitted 8 days ago • 108 comments

ME: i’m finally going to watch titan so no spoilers WIFE: what's titan ME: that movie about the big boat WIFE: oh, titanic. it’s “ic” at the end ME: hey no spoilers i said

submitted 8 days ago • 3 comments

It’s brave to continue goofing around somewhat despite the mounting horror

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

There are two wolves inside you and now HR knows your kink because this is your work laptop and they've scheduled a meeting for the morning

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Who called it a cub and not the bear minimum?

submitted 126 days ago • 9 comments

i’m like if paul rudd gave up

submitted 8 days ago • 3 comments

bread pudding it’s like make up your fucking mind

submitted 9 days ago • 3 comments

A new dating feature on Etsy - call it Craft Singles

submitted 9 days ago • 4 comments

they say pride comes before a fall but a punch to the nards works just as well

submitted 8 days ago • 8 comments

Got fired from the keyboard factory I missed too many shifts

submitted 8 days ago • 19 comments

imo it's the restaurant's fault for not checking that I had money before they served me

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

A new dating feature on Etsy - call it Craft Singles

submitted 9 days ago • 4 comments

BREAKING: THE SUBSTITUTE POPE HAS WHEELED THE CART WITH THE TV AND VCR INTO THE VATICAN

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

"The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe" was solved rather easily when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

submitted 11 days ago • 29 comments

TV shows in a donkey monarchy get interrupted by Bray King News

submitted 10 days ago • 2 comments

[dribbles between my legs and behind my back] guy at the urinal next to me: dude

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments

Sorry you didn't pay attention in school, but the stuff you're posting isn't a "hack", it's just you learning how stuff works

submitted 24 days ago • 2 comments

Some of you didn’t grow up on Wu-Tang principles and it shows.

submitted 9 days ago • 6 comments

If the feral cats ask you to place a bet for them, please decline.

submitted 9 days ago • 8 comments

If some dead guy emerged from a cave, I would beat him with a shovel

submitted 12 days ago • 48 comments

It would be cool to have sex in space. Or anywhere, really

submitted 9 days ago • 9 comments

the first person who tried salt must have looked so badass. yeah homie i just lick this rock and then everything tastes amazing. lick my rock, zorg. lick it

submitted 126 days ago • 16 comments

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know

submitted 38 days ago • 2 comments

Sorry 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙢𝙨 to be the hardest word, but then you stumble across floccinaucinihilipilification and all of a sudden sorry’s a breeze.

submitted 11 days ago • 3 comments

I only cut my grass so my house looks bigger.

submitted 11 days ago • 9 comments

Love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

submitted 13 days ago • 37 comments

I have now been kicked out of a gang for using old English not once, not twice but THRICE!

submitted 12 days ago • 13 comments

me: *holds up drawing* is this the guy? witness: that looks nothing like him me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

submitted 70 days ago • 15 comments

Get creative if you're going to insult me. Say something like she has very little asbestos in her popcorn ceiling

submitted 17 days ago • 52 comments

Server: Do you have any questions? Me: Yes. Do you serve any other varieties of angel pasta or just the hairs?

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment