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jillmorris.bsky.social
Contributor for The Onion, McSweeney's, LA Mag and more. Upright Citizens Brigade alum. Angelyne's campaign manager for CA gov. I wrote a book once.
54 posts 228 followers 140 following
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My Dasher’s driving the wrong way with my uranium.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

Not surprised Trump and his people are assaulting America. It is a pretty young country.

Matt Gaetz saving face by telling friends he just wanted to spend more time with other people’s kids

Goodbye, cruel, world. Wait, no! The comma!

Has America tried pinning the Constitution to the top of its profile?

Is it a red flag if you're dating a serial killer, and he only wants to kill other people?

Not worried about nuclear war because I think I’d look better with three tits.

Maybe now that Dr. Oz is in charge of Medicaid and Medicare, they'll finally start covering the vacuum dust he sells as a supplement.

If I’m not the most popular person in my camp, I’m joining the fascists.

Your honor, my client is innocent because I assume everything is my fault.

Two happy creatures back in October. Georgia has not let the election affect her mood.

Hi friends! I just wanted to give a quick update on The Onion’s purchase of InfoWars, which we can’t wait to relaunch as the dumbest website on the internet. The long and short of it: We won the auction and — you're not going to believe this — the previous InfoWars folks aren't taking it well.

Of course. The details would be too arousing for Republicans to handle.

Well, why are teenagers allowed to be that age, anyway?

I would speak out against the removal of the Department of Education, but I don’t want to end up on the Department of Re-Education’s radar.

Getting pretty sick of this sleep paralysis demon climbing on top of me every night and never asking me to be his gf.

This is the last time any of us will be happy so I’m going to wallow in it.

My pharmacist forgot my birthday again.

Republicans care so much about children they’re installing a pedophile attorney general.

I hope democrats hand over weather control peacefully.

The new Secretary of Defense doesn’t believe in germs. So good news other countries: germ warfare is out.

Nick Fuentes' house burned down. I always suspected fire was feminist.

I tried to give the scammer who just called notes.

Feeling good with 46 followers. Hope my ego doesn’t get too big if I hit 50.

Getting ready to travel back in time to have Ben Franklin’s abortion.

I’m not out of touch. I only eat oysters if there’s a happy hour.

Alright, fuckers. Can I please find a new and better home here?

Hey kids, when you’re mandated to pray in school next year can you pray for a separation of church and state?

If democrats are looking for a new presidential candidate to fail in 2028, I’m available.

Geez guys how many times do the fascists have to ask for us to all get along?

Disappointed I never became a big enough threat to Trump to warrant my execution next year.

Trump’s rape allegations ruined his life so badly he had to be president twice.