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larrystwin99.bsky.social
Yes, that Larry. I am not leaving my wife. Unless something better comes along. Which I hope is TODAY. Single dad. Top salesman for Tupperware.
50 posts 3,603 followers 1,415 following
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Posts 44 Comments 5

Last-minute gift ideas

submitted 94 days ago • 5 comments

I never met a bad ass dude named Doug.

submitted 122 days ago • 2 comments

It reminds me of the Hallmark Christmas movie where the handsome stranger comes to town and gets all of Santa’s helpers pregnant.

submitted 122 days ago • 2 comments

Catfish Alert ⚠️ 📢 Had to habe fun with this one @larrystwin99.bsky.social @dlpr.bsky.social 😆😆😆

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

I tell door-to-door salespeople my cellar looks like the one in Silence of the Lambs and ask if they want to take a tour. They rarely come to my house anymore.

submitted 125 days ago • 0 comments

I’ve been living off the high of finishing fourth in a ‘Cutest baby contest’ for the last 51 years.

submitted 125 days ago • 1 comment

You look so insane it’s going to make me cum rn.

submitted 125 days ago • 0 comments

Don't think because you saw me wearing five fluffy layers, teeth chattering, tears running down my face that I'm not hard. I'm hard AF

submitted 126 days ago • 21 comments

Reverse cowgirl, so I don’t have to see her glass eye pop out again.

submitted 127 days ago • 8 comments

Mama Mia!

submitted 127 days ago • 4 comments

I’M NOT LOST!

submitted 128 days ago • 8 comments

I just released a condom filled with helium into the air as a tribute to the first stripper I ever received a couch dance from.

submitted 129 days ago • 4 comments

Bribing big accounts to put me on a starter pack list so I can gain followers by mistake. Starting offer is 5 bucks.

submitted 132 days ago • 2 comments

Wanted to make a starter pack where I was the only one on the list but it says I have to add more people lol

submitted 129 days ago • 4 comments

I’m still mad Milli Vanilli scammed us.

submitted 129 days ago • 46 comments

I wish The Hamburglar was sexier in real life.

submitted 129 days ago • 4 comments

The dark purple eye shadow you’re wearing tells me you’ll probably do that thing I like.

submitted 129 days ago • 1 comment

Grounded my daughter for two weeks because she played ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ four times in a row.

submitted 130 days ago • 2 comments

I just decided I’m verified on Bluesky.

submitted 131 days ago • 2 comments

Her: My boyfriend refuses to give oral sex Just once I'd like to know what it's like to have his mouth down there. Genie: Ok.

submitted 131 days ago • 2 comments

If somebody farts, I walk away singing 🎶 Walking from, walking from broken AAaass. 🎶

submitted 131 days ago • 1 comment

There are two wolves inside me and both of them want to see you nekid.

submitted 131 days ago • 1 comment

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

submitted 132 days ago • 16 comments

I'm starting to utilize the list feature on here so I can have pure uncut hilarity.

submitted 131 days ago • 7 comments

😂

submitted 131 days ago • 22 comments

I don’t care if it is pee- call me a cocker spaniel. I was excited.

submitted 131 days ago • 1 comment

Illuminati membership with Mark Henry.

submitted 131 days ago • 0 comments

I’m not here to break up your marriage. Unless you want me to.

submitted 131 days ago • 4 comments

If you're into watching fights you should come watch me try to sleep at night

submitted 131 days ago • 20 comments

When I get mad at work, I’m in the bathroom doing a Real World style confession like, “So…Tanner is a bitch.”

submitted 132 days ago • 5 comments

Please. My thirst. It's trapped.

submitted 132 days ago • 2 comments

I’m deeply thankful for Bluesky because before this, I was over on Mastodon telling butthole jokes to neuroscientists and astrophysicists.

submitted 132 days ago • 28 comments

Middle finger girl in a heart hand world.

submitted 132 days ago • 8 comments

New insult, invalid doorknob.

submitted 131 days ago • 0 comments

I'll show you a good time, baby [eats lasagna in my pajamas]

submitted 543 days ago • 9 comments

idk bro but sounds like you need to move to the country and eat a lot of peaches

submitted 132 days ago • 78 comments

I remember telling my mom when 4K people had followed me on Twitter and she said “why”

submitted 132 days ago • 11 comments

Turning must feel good asf for the tides.

submitted 132 days ago • 9 comments

I wish this oatmeal tasted more like bacon

submitted 131 days ago • 3 comments

Minnie Driver and her gang egged my house last night.

submitted 131 days ago • 15 comments

Time to mainline some coffee.

submitted 131 days ago • 0 comments

my petty bar is in hell and I love that for me

submitted 132 days ago • 0 comments

My favorite thing about the 90s was being further from death

submitted 231 days ago • 9 comments

I could have sworn I blocked you idiots on the other app months ago.

submitted 132 days ago • 7 comments