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mattatonik.bsky.social
Nope. Antisocial media. Canadian in Texas. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:fgzy2oggofpko2ql5hdnyxul/feed/aaajeek2wz6z2
40 posts 80 followers 80 following
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Posts 46 Comments 4

Well it has been 35 years since we thought it was all over, but I guess America has finally lost the Cold War

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

submitted 23 hours ago • 3 comments

We don't discuss Oreos and espresso enough

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

[recoiling] 🤢 what the fuck this shouldn’t be sticky why is this so sticky [recontextualizing] 🧐 what do I know about what should and shouldn’t be sticky? Maybe everything should be significantly stickier

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED Son: [shrugs] Me: YOU LOSE YOUR PHONE Son: ok Me: AND YOUR COMPUTER Son: whatever idc Me: AND NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK Son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

A singing cooking show: Ghee

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

Every time I’ve said, “Your guess is as good as mine” has been a lie.

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but I bet those people have never eaten a whole cheesecake

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick Especially because his name is Brian

submitted 2 days ago • 13 comments

[gets up on soapbox] Pizza is just hot cheese and crackers!

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

So I guess ww3 is Russia, North Korea and the USA against the rest of the entire world? My money's on Denmark

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

Oh you like breathing? Name 5 important breaths.

submitted 4 days ago • 6 comments

going forward i shall only be communicating with growls

submitted 3 days ago • 11 comments

I am not a lawyer. But if Elon is not accepting a salary, he is not really a government employee. Which would mean, in the inevitable avalanche of class action lawsuits, YOU CAN SUE HIM PERSONALLY, not just the Fed gov. In addition to auditing him every year for the rest of his worthless life.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Medically induced carb coma

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

In my defense your honor... *does super sweet move with nunchucks* Whoa! Case dismissed

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

i think i speak for everyone when i say why am i like this

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

A turducken, but it’s croissant, bear claw, cinnamon roll.

submitted 3 days ago • 27 comments

I like tacos more than I like people.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Me: if I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving too much Judge: and indecent exposure Me: well yeah

submitted 3 days ago • 11 comments

c’mon gimme a break it’s still winter 😭

submitted 4 days ago • 17 comments

walmart about to permanently fuck up some little kids today

submitted 44 days ago • 1 comment

“I aim to please.” You might want to work on your aim.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

I have a terrible, incurable genetic condition that causes me to be related to my family members

submitted 4 days ago • 11 comments

I miss DEI

submitted 4 days ago • 2281 comments

To sleep, perchance to dream of throat punching a mf'er.

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

“Alexa… what the fuck?”

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Me: “Hi. I’d like a grandé latte with synonym please.” Barista: “You mean, cinnamon, right?” Me: “It’s the same thing, isn't it?”

submitted 5 days ago • 104 comments

I pulled a stomach muscle coughing today. Fitness is my passion.

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Should be easier to trust the universe considering we never had any control to begin with

submitted 5 days ago • 4 comments

You can ignore my posts all you want I'm just going to write the same shit again next week

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

In these trying times, focus on what makes America great. The drive-through liquor store, for example.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

My Indian Princess name is Running Late.

submitted 8 days ago • 3 comments

Picture me enjoying happy hour. Wrong. Sadder.

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

chaos ain’t just a theory, baby

submitted 4 days ago • 26 comments

We need a Disney princess who isn't afraid to drink wine straight out of the box

submitted 4 days ago • 9 comments

I'm only on social media because it's a cheap solution to my low blood pressure issues.

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

There’s not enough sighs and eye rolls to get through this day

submitted 5 days ago • 6 comments

Fucking Elon. Or, "FElon" for short.

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

Wait. How long did the groundhog say the Pope would live again?

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

She’s a 10, but says nucular.

submitted 5 days ago • 23 comments

*Buys nice guitar so I can better fake authenticity

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Me: excuse me where's your restroom Salesman: It's for customers only Me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

submitted 5 days ago • 7 comments

I mean y'all see this shit, right?

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

Every now and then, I'm reminded that Canada is cold. I remember grabbing a gas pump at -30C and feeling the icy hand of death gripping me back. Scraping ice from the windshield while running the heater on full blast. Shoveling the driveway only to have a snowplow push it all back in. I prefer Texas

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Don't let nostalgia make you punish the present and future because you yearn for the past

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments