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May 21, 2025 – During a White House meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa, Trump asserted baseless conspiracy theories about the “genocide” of white farmers. #LestWeForgetTheHorrors

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"The fish oil to Mammon pipeline is surprisingly short. One minute you’re fermenting your own cider, and next thing you know, you’re pledging the souls of your offspring to Gruumsh, he who never ceases in human destruction."

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I asked for this. And boy did @mcsweeneys.net deliver.

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"Ask yourself: Who is this 'you' that wants chemotherapy so, so badly? There is no self. There is no plan. There are only prior authorizations."

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"You have violated the law, and you have a price to pay. That price is a three-day VIP pass, and not at an early-bird rate. You may wonder if it’s the VIP tier with an open bar. No, it is not."

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"Ellen has five times the dowry as her sister Charlotte, but Charlotte is twice as attractive as Ellen, and three times as funny. How many times will each sister reject her initial suitor until each finally marries her initial suitor? What if this is a Jane Austen novel?"

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"Could a machine decide to lay off an entire department based on a vague intuition it forms about the market while it half-listens to an Economist podcast during its morning Peloton ride? I don’t think so."

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I have been saving screen-caps of headlines, and quotes from Trump Administration officials, just to keep track -- and my file just for this year is over 1.2 Gb now. Many thanks to these folks for a more comprehensive record! (They've linked previous months too.)

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BEEF - Billionaires Eagerly Expressing Fealty PITA - Pardon Investments Trump Accepts KABAB - Kushner-Arranged Benevolent Arab Billionaire

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"Let us go then, you and I, and your brother and sister, and maybe your aunt, to the school board meeting, to see if we can preserve the two library books that are not the Bible."

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We have updated our running list of Trump's cruelties, collusion, corruptions, and crimes with 59 new atrocities since early May. #LestWeForgetTheHorrors

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“The president’s solutions-focused approach to legal roadblocks necessitated thinking outside the constitutional box.”

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Brilliant piece.

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I am plugged in. I am fully charged. I am unstoppable. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair.

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"We really do want to stay in touch. We’d love for us to find a way to be part of each other’s lives. We don’t want you to think we’re just abandoning you at the exact moment when allyship would actually count for something tangible in this world."

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Welp. This made my spit-laugh my coffee this morning. The life of middle school parents is a joy!

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"Meeting at the fridge of a friend of a friend’s apartment party (while we both reach for a Corona) is the most romantic start of any of the relationships I’ve had in the past five years. So I have to hang on for dear life."

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My awesome wife Susie Aquilina published another great piece at @mcsweeneys.net

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"The Lizard: They rapidly flick their tongue in and out of your mouth like they’re trying to catch a fly. Then they pull their head back and scurry across the sofa and out of the room."

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"When a pure sex machine like JD Vance helps brainstorm ways to not only raise the birth rate in our country, but keep more parents at home with their children, I feel my uterus start to involuntarily contract."

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"Repeat this mantra as your prescription is denied on religious grounds: Everyone dies. Everyone dies. Everyone dies. Let the liberals weep, for you are free and clear, though not in the medical sense, of course."

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"We’ve tried to improve our rockets. Many of our top technicians have been working, day and night, supplying ChatGPT with ever-more-refined queries such as 'Could you make the rocket explode less?' and 'This is a good start, but can you design a rocket that doesn’t go boom?'"

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My latest for @mcsweeneys.net. We are now up to 269 atrocities. #LestWeForgetTheHorrors www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/les...

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"I repel Stephen Miller. I have felt the breath of Bret Baier. I have grazed Ron DeSantis’s nipples during an awkward hug at a prayer breakfast. RFK Jr. has used me to draw fault lines in the finest Colombian snow of West Palm. Lindsey Graham clutches me during thunderstorms."

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The Kubrick: Toward the end of a long, intense make-out, you realize their eyes are open—and you get the creeping sense they’ve been open the whole time.

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BEEF - Billionaires Eagerly Expressing Fealty PITA - Pardon Investments Trump Accepts KABAB - Kushner-Arranged Benevolent Arab Billionaire

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Amazing and perfect. Satire nirvana achieved: “The truly enlightened refuse coverage, choosing to drift from urgent care to urgent care like cherry blossoms on the wind.”

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We have updated our running list of Trump's cruelties, collusion, corruptions, and crimes with 59 new atrocities since early May. #LestWeForgetTheHorrors

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"11 a.m. Our tour guide asks if anyone has any questions, and boy, do I ever. Twenty-three, to be specific."

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"When it comes to my little ones’ health care, I do my own research. By which I mean I consult with the ancient Luciferian texts that foretell the death of compassion as we enter into the New Era of cruelty and despair."

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"We realize everyone says this, but it’s not you, it’s us—well, it’s not so much us as it is our shareholders who demand that we take any action, regardless of its inhumanity, so long as it leads to profits."

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"It’s a rule that we have to find each other before the puck drops... Because when someone shouts something alarmingly racist during the national anthem, we have to be able to find each with wide eyes that say 'What the actual fuck is going on?'"

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🎯🎯🎯😂🤣🎯🎯🎯

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Shameless self-promotion. Not really zen, but that fleeting dopamine rush is so much better than healthcare

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Always boost a Snork reference

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- Nestlé-Glaceau Institute for Public Fluoridation Research - Caltech Jet Propulsion Laboratory: A Subsidiary of SpaceX - The University of Texas Football Team, LLC

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Two years ago today, I made my humor debut in McSweeney’s IT! @mcsweeneys.net It’s been such a fun journey since. Esp. joyful to find such a welcoming, kind, smart community of satirists who embrace new writers with open arms. Lots to learn, but loving every step. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-...

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"When it comes to my little ones’ health care, I do my own research. By which I mean I consult with the ancient Luciferian texts that foretell the death of compassion as we enter into the New Era of cruelty and despair."

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"I, too, was once a little skeptical of the Giant Plagiarism Machine™. But that was before I attended The Conference for Big Boy Business Owners™. Here, I learned that my fellow titans of industry have been re-orging to 'leverage plagiarism' and 'minimize thought-waste.'"

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"If, on Monday, two Brontë sisters fancy the same Byronic hero, then by Sunday, how many Brontë sisters will be happy? Will it be the same number of Brontë sisters who were happy before Monday?"

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"I was so relieved my parents were supportive, but I knew I had one more person to tell: Sharon, my family’s Bank of America Wealth and Investment manager."

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"Repeat this mantra as your prescription is denied on religious grounds: Everyone dies. Everyone dies. Everyone dies. Let the liberals weep, for you are free and clear, though not in the medical sense, of course."

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"I’m a good person, a generous person, and what made me the person I am is having to work hard for everything my parents gave me, and everything I will, in turn, give to my children." Brutal.

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BURRITO - Blatant, Unrepentant Robbery: Republican Insider Trading Okay?!?

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"'Why not Skittles?' This stoned genius thinks, and next thing you know, we have a perfect, airy artificial-flavor candy bomb that I have to believe RFK Jr. will ban any moment now alongside vaccines and curing cancer."

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"I sit just above the sternum, where Christ’s unblemished mercy meets freckled cleavage. I hang, heavily and blessedly, where divinity schmoozes décolletage on the clavicular altar of Florida’s own Evangelical Barbie."

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MAKE YOUR POEM ABOUT SOMEONE FAMOUS OR A HISTORICAL MOMENT. HERE IS HOW YOU WOULD ADD THE HISTORICAL MOMENT: “Plum Poem” On September 11, Tom Cruise looked in his fridge, And he saw that the plums Were still there, And that made him sad,

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The Escher: You try to get solid contact, but the angles are just wrong. Their head is strangely tilted, and their lips don’t obey the laws of Euclidean geometry. Nothing makes sense.

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"I was so relieved my parents were supportive, but I knew I had one more person to tell: Sharon, my family’s Bank of America Wealth and Investment manager."

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"Trains will no longer service the Greenpoint Avenue stop along the G line, because the terminal has been sold and is going to be converted into a Banana Republic."

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