mcsweeneys.net - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

"I gotta get in shape. See more birds. Too much sitting in meadows has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on, there will be fifty birds every morning, fifty trees of note."

submitted 1 hour ago • 1 comment

"Our Applebee’s menu does not have calorie counts. We scratched them out with a switchblade. You either want a Tex-Mex Shrimp Bowl Supreme or you don’t, dickwax. A bunch of fancy numbers ain’t gonna change that."

submitted 3 hours ago • 0 comments

"The antiquated BMI metric fails to consider various factors that affect weight, such as muscle mass, bone density, and fat distribution... But rude middle schoolers circumvent these concerns by zeroing in on and magnifying even the tiniest flaws."

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

"7:00 a.m. – Gaze out the window at the neighbor’s house. Wonder if they, too, are contemplating eternity or simply waiting for the milkman. Blink once, lest they feel your scrutiny. Blink twice, too much."

submitted 6 hours ago • 1 comment

"You will attend all three days. Three days of guys wearing Teva sandals with socks who hound you to sign up for some sort of vague, pea juice-based sustainability campaign."

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

"The fish oil to Mammon pipeline is surprisingly short. One minute you’re fermenting your own cider, and next thing you know, you’re pledging the souls of your offspring to Gruumsh, he who never ceases in human destruction."

submitted 7 hours ago • 1 comment

Lollll the obstructed view

submitted 17 hours ago • 1 comment

"Untether your psyche from overthinking. The sound of one hand clapping is simply what happens when the other hand has been amputated due to untreated type 2 diabetes."

submitted 8 hours ago • 3 comments

"When I was 16, I worked up the courage to share the news with my folks. 'We’re so proud of you, and we love you,' my dad said. Then Mom turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Bank of America’s Cash Rewards Card offers one percent cash-back on all purchases.' Exclusions may apply."

submitted 8 hours ago • 1 comment

"I was never a Sauron fan. Did I facilitate Sauron's rise to power by donating most of Isengard’s resources to his reconquest campaign and persuading my legions of Uruk-hai followers to support him? Sure, but that doesn’t mean I agreed with him on everything."

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

“The president followed the Constitution the way a jazz pianist might follow a standard chart—treating its chords as suggestions upon which to solo as he saw fit.”

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

"Execute an obvious pump-and-dump scam with crypto coin called $BRUH or $BOOBS or something."

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

"Some movies are called 'films,' which happens if the movie is too long, is very boring, or was directed by someone who married their own adopted daughter."

submitted 20 hours ago • 1 comment

McSweeney‘s has been consistently finding writers that hit it out of the park for years, but this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in ages. #Cathartic

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"I have a mandala tattoo on my upper right bicep, I got it at my last yoga retreat. This is my fifth yoga retreat. I find that really focusing on the mind helps being mindful and learning mindfulness."

submitted 20 hours ago • 1 comment

"Has your bubble gum lost its flavor and you can’t find the wrapper? That is A-OK! Please, spit that wet, hardened gum nugget into my hand. I know exactly what to do in this situation."

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

McSweeney's for the win again. They are so on topic these days.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I feel personally attacked. The answer is always and indubitably, 42.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

As a geologist, I get to do both. Push papers in the winter and commune with the biggest rocks I can find in the summer.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

So thankful we have @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social writing for us. He came through yet again with another banger today. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-s...

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Happy Tonys weekend y'all

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

savage

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"Cello: While the rest of your private-school chums were huddled around a box set of ’80s German porn, you were having real sex." I mean . . .

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"The first movie ever made was released in 1887. That movie is called 'Air Bud,' and it is about a dog who is good at passing a three-dimensional sphere through a two-dimensional hoop, which is illegal."

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

"Europe has better restaurants than the United States. Nobody cooks at home in Europe, because there are so many fun restaurants. Dining out is more affordable in Europe because everyone uses their dad’s credit card." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/lif...

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

"It’s been fun these past ten years. We had a blast inserting ourselves in your celebration. But the time has come for us to live our truths. And now we love God, corn, and arguing in airports."

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

This is utterly brilliant. And clearly written by a fellow hardcore Tolkien geek. 😁

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

"STUDENT DISCOUNT: Are you a student? Prove it, bitch. Oh, you have an '.edu' email address? How do we know you’re not a professor? That’s fraud, you know. Send us three references from your accredited university testifying to your enrolled status. No SUNYs." buff.ly/htpimZ4

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

For today's excerpt from @thebeliever.net, a poem by Christopher Soto.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

"I was never a Sauron fan. Did I facilitate Sauron's rise to power by donating most of Isengard’s resources to his reconquest campaign and persuading my legions of Uruk-hai followers to support him? Sure, but that doesn’t mean I agreed with him on everything."

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Too true

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"Desire is the root of suffering. Especially the desire to not die of a preventable disease, like measles. Renounce this craving. Seek stillness. Copays are saṃsāra."

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

"All I need is within me right now, along with fourteen cents, nine Legos, and half of a cat’s worth of cat hair."

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

“The president followed the Constitution the way a jazz pianist might follow a standard chart—treating its chords as suggestions upon which to solo as he saw fit.”

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

"Does it matter that my friends don’t like him? That we have fundamentally different politics? Live an hour away from one another? No, we met in real life."

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

“I’ve compiled a list of seventeen articles on perimenopause that you might find interesting.”

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"Trombone: You came to terms with being thoroughly uncool, and this is where it got you." Checks out.

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"Europe has better restaurants than the United States. Nobody cooks at home in Europe, because there are so many fun restaurants. Dining out is more affordable in Europe because everyone uses their dad’s credit card." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/lif...

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

"Forget snorting that Snoo and huffing that Nugget. This is the real stuff. It’s expensive, it's addictive, it's impossible to get your hands on, and the government definitely doesn’t want you to have it: it’s called daycare."

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

"Ironically enough, I felt way more like Sisyphus when I was pushing papers in a cubicle than I do now that I’ve rolled this massive rock on top of my torso."

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

"Please, children, hand me your trash. I love trash. The stickier the better. If you have trash and the bin is too far away, I am your person. I am uniquely qualified within this family to place waste into various receptacles. This is my passion. This is what I live for."

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

@mcsweeneys-feed.bsky.social net knows our pain. "Nothing makes you feel more alive than registering for an account, making a password, instantly forgetting it, and repeating the whole process for every transaction."

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

This is one of the most brilliant things I've read in years.

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Double bass: You are so discreet that all the members of your jazz ensemble think they’re in an exclusive sexual relationship with you. No one knows your name.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

We guess you can insert your own Elon joke into this one now.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

"We’ve tried to improve our rockets. Many of our top technicians have been working, day and night, supplying ChatGPT with ever-more-refined queries such as 'Could you make the rocket explode less?' and 'This is a good start, but can you design a rocket that doesn’t go boom?'"

submitted 4 days ago • 7 comments

Please light a candle for the many satirists out there trying to keep up with all of this.

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

Ahem. #LestWeForgetTheHorrors www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Brilliant from start to finish! "We think we owe it to each other to be radically honest. We’ll go first: You are a marginalized community, and as a bloodthirsty corporation desperate for profits, we’re just being honest when we say you will never be enough for us."

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments