Profile avatar
midge.bsky.social
Relentless architect of my own hell https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ekcbouwwcir2eexututpjpp5/feed/aaaouhaovrikw
531 posts 6,089 followers 828 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 43 Comments 7

You should’ve moved out of the way sooner *a passing thought

submitted 3 hours ago • 1 comment

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl at Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

submitted 12 hours ago • 6 comments

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl at Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

submitted 12 hours ago • 6 comments

WYOMING: “Thank you, Madam chairman.” “I prefer ‘Mister’ chairman.” “Well you all voted preferred pronouns cannot be compelled speech.”

submitted 1 day ago • 1425 comments

my dogs probably think i'm an idiot for only sleeping once a day

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

Russia isn’t our friend. Bush tried. Obama tried. Trump tried during his first term. It’s an admirable goal, but it doesn’t work. No matter how much Trump capitulates to Putin, Russia won’t be our friend.

submitted 3 days ago • 252 comments

I wish I had the optimism of the USPS offering forever stamps

submitted 186 days ago • 3 comments

Honest question: Why are people obeying DOGE?

submitted 2 days ago • 636 comments

submitted 2 days ago • 2491 comments

Rep Raskin has been great. Rep Ocasio-Cortez has been great. And Rep Frost and Rep Crockett. Senator Murphy. Maybe no one knew exactly what to do. But such people laid down a clear marker. Let’s respect these and other elected federal representatives who stood out these first few weeks.

submitted 1 day ago • 1317 comments

Is anyone really surprised that Hooters tanked and went bust?

submitted 1 day ago • 20 comments

Heard a song from the 80s reference a "long distance call" and it occurred to me that this is a concept that no longer holds any emotional currency whatsoever

submitted 1 day ago • 1357 comments

Outraged that the “no makeup look” involves makeup

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

my dogs probably think i'm an idiot for only sleeping once a day

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

Whoa we're halfway there Whoa running from a bear

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

me: *holds up drawing* is this the guy? witness: that looks nothing like him me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

submitted 2 days ago • 14 comments

Elon’s busy schedule today is claiming astronauts were left in the ISS for political reasons, getting corrected by an ISS astronaut, throwing a fit where he calls the astronaut a slur, then complaining that we should deorbit the ISS

submitted 2 days ago • 342 comments

it's not a party until I pet all the cats and dogs

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Boss: It seems like you don't want to work here anymore Me: Fair but in my defense I never wanted to work here

submitted 54 days ago • 13 comments

New level of begging unlocked.

submitted 2 days ago • 40 comments

On the calmness spectrum I'm currently at "Laura Palmer's mom"

submitted 2 days ago • 17 comments

“your kid is going to be a lawyer” = your kid is an asshole

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

He was rare, like someone who finishes a full course of antibiotics

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

Dentist: have you been clenching your jaw lately? Me: have you been reading the news lately?

submitted 12 days ago • 25 comments

Instead of birth years, I wish they’d put: “old”, “older”, and “old as fuck” on websites, for anyone over 30, it’d take a lot less scrolling

submitted 8 days ago • 6 comments

I saw an ad for a “small, portable label maker. Great for travel!” and I want to know which of you are taking your label maker traveling with you?

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

have kids and you, too, can find a chair with all the screws removed so “they could take a rest.”

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

me: I have a fear of faces therapist: it’s time to face your fears me: *screams*

submitted 320 days ago • 3 comments

My wife just told me that I can seem like two very different people to her. Sometimes she finds me drunk and repugnant but at other times I’m not necessarily drunk.

submitted 241 days ago • 1 comment

First date Him: tell me about yourself Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

submitted 38 days ago • 3 comments

One day I'm going to get in front of a school bus and stop at every third house just as payback

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

Might fuck around and weaponize my incompetence today.

submitted 46 days ago • 8 comments

You know what else drives itself, my existential crisis.

submitted 28 days ago • 1 comment

“U Can’t Touch This” is my favorite song about intangible personal property.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

I can be nerdy but not "learn Klingon" nerdy

submitted 9 days ago • 22 comments

I'm not gay but I sure appreciate feeling fabulous once in a while 🏳‍🌈

submitted 9 days ago • 3 comments

My brother's birthday is on Valentine's Day so it's important that I text him every year to wish him a Happy Valentine's Day

submitted 8 days ago • 8 comments

Just stubbed my toe in a crowded restaurant and freestyled a new diss track in my ongoing beef against myself

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

I always carry a Ziplock bag of human hair for crime scene tampering.

submitted 20 days ago • 20 comments

One of the simplest yet tastiest ways to boost the protein content of your diet is to stir in mini Reese's peanut butter cups into your coffee.

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keep eating the sacred parchment paper.

submitted 5 days ago • 12 comments

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

Police Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained your pet bird to injure passersby. Me: That is ridiculous! Him: For my records, the pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments