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mmuttnick.bsky.social
41 posts 17 followers 8 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 38 Comments 9

when i piss my pants its actually really cool and funny and everyone laughs. this is because of DEI. and they want to take that away from me

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

can't quite figure out all that potty training shit imma just buy diapers from now on. easier to shit myself than run to the bathroom. good news is i'm qualified to become the next president of the united states

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

most useless piece of equipment in a cop car hands down has to be the driver

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

(alien who doesnt have genitals but still wants to be relatable) damn i'd wipe my ass to this song

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

when the asteroid hits where will all my posts go

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

one change i'd make to soccer to make it more interesting: goalie gets a molotov. what the goalie does with it is up to them

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

when a woman comes into the hallway near the elevator i give her space out of respect but then the elevator comes and i'm already upstairs

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

putting on my wizard hat and yelling "i cast accelerated wind!" before opening the emergency door at 30,000 feet #ideas #goals #consequences

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

i've just been drafted into the War Against Drugs. on the side of drugs

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

just got a haircut for super cheap at petsmart grooming they done fucked my shit up i asked for a taper fade and they made me look like a damb poodle

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

i went to club tornado everybody was flying around the room and shit

submitted 39 days ago • 0 comments

i wish there was more to life than just laying in bed and posting online. but that's just the way it is and i don't feel like questioning that

submitted 44 days ago • 0 comments

What is the charge? Writing a post? An innocent online post?

submitted 45 days ago • 134 comments

this new tootpaste got me acting unwise

submitted 45 days ago • 0 comments

mr president, sir... the ice cream, it's flavor... it has cookie dough chunks AND brownie bits president warcrime: my god. bomb that middle eastern town

submitted 46 days ago • 0 comments

forcing a post to be funny never works. you just gotta post it when it comes to you, and the other drivers on the road honestly need to respect that

submitted 50 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 56 days ago • 30 comments

Life fuck Is your Short friends 💕

submitted 56 days ago • 177 comments

if i ever get thrown in jail just know imma start meowing like a motherfucker until i get released. then i'll turn around & want back inside

submitted 57 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 57 days ago • 76 comments

they should make an express checkout for sluts & whores at the grocery store

submitted 58 days ago • 0 comments

(presses a button under my desk) move my hot steamy sex appointment to 4:30. i have to post about some things online

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

i mean sure you can drop that ass lower than anybody on earth but do you have comedic timing? do you have a volkswagon jetta with over 130k miles? i didnt think so the other judges on masked singer or what ever: hey can we talk to u during commercial

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

if i destroy all domesticated animals on earth we'd have to start domesticating new animals and that would be annoying. so i don't want that actually the genie who is forced to grant me three wishes: okay

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

you say you hate ads but how will you know when that miniature bulldozer is available for purchase on temu for $1? how will you know that. there goes your fucking argument buddy

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

one thing i'll do as president is make sure swiss cheese has a consistent number of holes, and the diameter and depth of said holes will also be properly regulated

submitted 69 days ago • 0 comments

sometimes things happen to people or areas

submitted 71 days ago • 0 comments

maybe that "thang" was the spit we had in our mouths all along

submitted 71 days ago • 0 comments

Work in progress

submitted 73 days ago • 111 comments

one thing about me? i consume products and services

submitted 87 days ago • 0 comments

date went well all up until she started grabbing change from the tip jar at an alarming rate. anyway i had to help her because she couldn't hold all the pennies and quarters fucking falling everywhere i felt bad. she wanted to fight to see who got the money but i just drove her home instead

submitted 93 days ago • 0 comments

if you enjoy hobbies, and things, you should really look at getting into objects and shapes. best decision of my life ✌️

submitted 94 days ago • 0 comments

doordash is like heroin to me

submitted 95 days ago • 0 comments

scooby doo's name is scoobert doobert

submitted 95 days ago • 0 comments

if one of joe bidens dogs tried to bite me i would use jujutsu to leverage the biting jaw force and throw him 1000 feet across the room .

submitted 104 days ago • 51 comments

tony hawk tuah. is that anything

submitted 100 days ago • 0 comments

every time i'm driving and i see a cyber truck i have to remind myself not to crash into them

submitted 100 days ago • 0 comments

i am online

submitted 102 days ago • 0 comments