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notjpo.bsky.social
No, it’s not hormones. I’m always this unpleasant. 11/20/2019 Validated me: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:6cru4zjayaugsxgzysz223ts/feed/aaahcc3hp2o6s Recent me: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:6cru4zjayaugsxgzysz223ts/feed/aaahccdnlzcz4
117 posts 576 followers 220 following
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Posts 49 Comments 1

Little known fact: John Lennon's "Imagine" originally had a verse about unlimited cheese.

submitted 16 hours ago • 5 comments

boss: why are you late? me: why are you so obsessed with me?

submitted 371 days ago • 0 comments

[biker bar] me: a pot of chamomile tea please bartender: what the fu— me: *i lean in and grab him by the shirt* and don’t let it steep too fucken long

submitted 627 days ago • 2 comments

When we dance together, it's like no one is watching us because you are imaginary and I am home, alone, doing the cha-cha slide.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

OWLS HAVE GASLIGHTED US INTO THINKING THEY CAN TURN THEIR HEADS ALL THE WAY ROUND. WHAT ELSE ARE THEY LYING ABOUT? THEY KEEP ASKING WHO BUT I THINK THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

submitted 9 hours ago • 2 comments

Cleaning goes way quicker if you don't wear your glasses.

submitted 219 days ago • 3 comments

To be honest, I was never emotionally invested in your old menu options.

submitted 10 hours ago • 0 comments

I'll never forget discovering that Santa isn't real, learning how to ride a bicycle and losing my virginity. Last Tuesday was one heck of a day.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

la croix is for lovers (who hate each other)

submitted 9 hours ago • 6 comments

what a time to be extremely online

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

That Sleepytime Tea bear is plum tuckered out from viciously mauling hikers all day.

submitted 15 hours ago • 8 comments

I love being on top of you. *me talking to my bed

submitted 79 days ago • 1 comment

👈🏼 pronounces ‘crocheter’ as ‘croch-eater’

submitted 7 hours ago • 6 comments

Babies fit into corners really well, though.

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

I've had my heart broken in a Taco Bell parking lot more times than I care to taco about.

submitted 1 day ago • 17 comments

Establish dominance by asking, "Why?" after anyone says anything to you.

submitted 7 hours ago • 7 comments

I'll waste my bangers on late night Bluesky on a Tuesday. We're all gonna die anyway. Who gives a fuck?

submitted 7 hours ago • 4 comments

This is a stupid time to be alive

submitted 21 hours ago • 10 comments

First rule of online dating: If you don’t look like your photo, you’re buying the drinks until you do.

submitted 16 days ago • 2 comments

I get to go to Boston in a few weeks, a place I haven't been in forever. How much tea do I bring to throw into the hahbah I forget

submitted 12 hours ago • 20 comments

Me: C'mere, I have a secret for you. Friend: *scooches over* Me: Closer Friend: *gets closer* Me: Cloooooser Friend: *is now touching me* Me: *whispering* I, well now I guess it's "we," have leprosy.

submitted 9 hours ago • 0 comments

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

submitted 174 days ago • 20 comments

Me: *making a phone call* why won’t they answer? Me: *receiving a phone call* why are they calling!

submitted 11 hours ago • 1 comment

- Will you marry me? - No (Awkward af 3-hour hot-air ballon ride)

submitted 123 days ago • 6 comments

FACT: 47% of your life is spent sleeping, and 51% is spent looking for a parking space. The remaining 2% is an odd mix of love, work, and trying to dispose of a body.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

keep your friends close and your Nine Inch Nails, Closer

submitted 121 days ago • 1 comment

Wow, this is as bad as the Teapot Dome scandal! (Me, trying to discuss politics with friends)

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

ME: What the world needs now BURT BACHARACH: is love, sweet love ME: *scribbling out ‘fucken pterodactyls’* Yeah, that’s probably better.

submitted 13 hours ago • 9 comments

You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have: cholesterol

submitted 8 hours ago • 4 comments

Before I buy any article of clothing I ask myself "Will this make me look 95 years old?" Then if the answer is hell yes, I buy it.

submitted 18 days ago • 3 comments

(My cat wearing a green visor hunkering over old-timey adding machine): I thought I told you to deduct the new litter box

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Doctor: do you exercise? Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks Doctor: Me: cronchies Doctor: I'm gonna put no Me: ok

submitted 127 days ago • 58 comments

What the fuck someone just gave me the nuclear codes on animal crossing

submitted 1 day ago • 13 comments

American cheese is just regular cheese with 70k in hospital bills

submitted 19 hours ago • 50 comments

sorry i missed your text are you still bombing yemen

submitted 16 hours ago • 24 comments

A dress rehearsal also implies a naked rehearsal.

submitted 1 day ago • 13 comments

I just saw a BMW use a turn signal

submitted 18 hours ago • 49 comments

*writes a dissertation on the importance of the Spice Girls*

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Crouching kitty, Hidden leg laceration.

submitted 20 hours ago • 3 comments

Sorry for the way I am when I'm conscious

submitted 13 hours ago • 3 comments

* being ignored by hot woman I've just DMd ' my plan is working perfectly '

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Watching the delivery driver on the map like I'm in the situation room

submitted 80 days ago • 12 comments

Gonna wait for you to finish your 10,000 word serious reply to my joke before I hit block

submitted 17 hours ago • 13 comments

*sends secret war plans* *awaits potential nudes*

submitted 22 hours ago • 1 comment

All things considered, "I'll probably live to regret this" are pretty good odds these days.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I gave myself a black eye, with my thumb, while brushing my fucking curly hair {catch all my skeets for more beauty tips and life hacks}

submitted 19 hours ago • 5 comments

Putting my wordle score on my Mensa application

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

**Five seconds after creating a new password -Fuck, I forgot my password

submitted 19 hours ago • 14 comments

Until a man receives a pic of a Taco between Titties on a Tuesday then The Prophecy remains unfulfilled.

submitted 19 hours ago • 6 comments