paigekellerman.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know

submitted 23 days ago • 2 comments

I used to be afraid of ghosts but then I found out they're not real so now I guess I'm afraid of the living Victorian child that stands at the foot of my bed screaming every night.

submitted 8 days ago • 4 comments

The best part of any X-Men film is always this scene Magneto: [sternly but affectionately] Charles. Professor X: [affectionately but sternly] Eric.

submitted 6 days ago • 17 comments

Mike's Hard Tax Return

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

Hollywood thinks we want more superhero movies. But nay, the people yearn for stories about a mysterious circus that comes to town, bringing with it dire consequences for the townspeople and a profound journey of self discovery for the troubled protagonist.

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

Opening 6000 tabs on my old laptop until it gets so hot I can use it as a panini press

submitted 30 days ago • 3 comments

Hi you're through to my voicemail, please do your best seagull impression after the tone and I'll only call you back if it's funny enough

submitted 28 days ago • 7 comments

My cat just phoned to say she's stuck in traffic but I'm pretty sure I could hear slot machines in the background

submitted 24 days ago • 1 comment

I have my annual review today where I will dust off last year‘s goals because they were good goals. I didn’t get to them, but they were good goals.

submitted 23 days ago • 1 comment

My Brain: Me: My Brain: Me: My Brain: Tiiiiiiiiin roof. Rusted.

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

me: (talking out loud while i write in my diary) today was ok, i just wish i could have eaten more breadsticks waiter: sighs sir would you like more breadsticks

submitted 42 days ago • 17 comments

me: if z is the length of a slice and a is the area of the pie, then pi(zz)=a PhD advisor: this is what you’ve been working on for three and a half years?

submitted 33 days ago • 13 comments

She thought I was mad, but I was just 52. That’s what we look like.

submitted 83 days ago • 9 comments

I like to say "Make sure you're not followed" when I make plans just to keep things interesting.

submitted 36 days ago • 3 comments

Love when that spring sunshine hits and I step outside like a seasonally depressed Dorthy stumbling into technicolor.

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

Me: My Brain: Me: My Brain: Me: My Brain: Steve Zahn voice “You see, we're not "The Wonders" right now. We're "Cap'n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters.”

submitted 36 days ago • 1 comment

interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority me: no it doesn’t

submitted 38 days ago • 8 comments

[bookstore] customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is? me: you are not off to a good start

submitted 620 days ago • 1 comment

[reading my will] lawyer: he left you this pair of shoes my son: this what lawyer: he instructed me to say you are his “sole heir” I am so sorry

submitted 42 days ago • 4 comments

You’re worrying about things that might not even happen, I think to myself. But it’s my specialty, myself thinks back.

submitted 41 days ago • 7 comments

Me: And how do I make sure my McDonald’s points make it to the right person? Estate Planner: I don’t think I can help you.

submitted 41 days ago • 0 comments

Get her what she really wants this Valentine’s Day: A nap, some chocolate, and a floor to ceiling library that can only be accessed by a hidden lever.

submitted 62 days ago • 1 comment

Decided to fake my own death. I'm not disappearing, I'm just going to start replying 'such trivial matters are the concern of the living' to any questions asked of me.

submitted 63 days ago • 4 comments

Ask not for whom the bell tolls because it’s the alarms I set on my phone for 6am, 6:05am, 6:10am, 6:15am, 6:20am, 6:25am, 6:30am, etc.

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments

You can’t embarrass me. My phone ringer played Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie at full volume back in 2006.

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

ME: [first day as a waiter] How would you like your steak, Madam? HER: Well done. ME: Thank you. I’m very nervous.

submitted 66 days ago • 4 comments

Me orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

submitted 132 days ago • 248 comments

Thought I was having a nervous breakdown but it turns out the necklace I really wanted to wear was just tangled in a bad knot I couldn’t get undone before I had to be somewhere.

submitted 65 days ago • 1 comment

(at self checkout) me: did you find everything ok? me: yes thank you

submitted 68 days ago • 5 comments

At work they call me “The Fixer” because everyone is deeply sarcastic.

submitted 70 days ago • 2 comments

[in the mosh pit] HAS ANYONE SEEN MY MONOCLE??

submitted 68 days ago • 8 comments

For every like I’ll yell through the wall to my neighbor I GOT ANOTHER ONE DARIN I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK

submitted 69 days ago • 17 comments

[date] her: I’m a big fan of monogamy me: trying to impress that’s my favorite kind of tree

submitted 73 days ago • 6 comments

Probably time to get in shape for the summer. Just got winded running through all the made up scenarios in my mind.

submitted 72 days ago • 0 comments

Life hack: come up with a simple strategy or clever trick that will help you manage your time in a more efficient way

submitted 91 days ago • 23 comments

Enjoying my lunch in a perfectly calm and ordinary way. Nothing strange or unusual about how I'm eating my lunch. Just having some regular lunch normal-style

submitted 81 days ago • 7 comments

The best way to get out of a prior commitment is to dissipate into a heavy fog that hangs low upon the moors

submitted 80 days ago • 2 comments

Now hiring: A trusted vizier with sinister ulterior motives to manage my business affairs and societal obligations. Salary is substantial and the position comes with unfettered power beyond your wildest dreams. Do not apply if you're going to betray me.

submitted 79 days ago • 6 comments

Me: *doing jazz hands Mugshot photographer: No

submitted 80 days ago • 8 comments

I don’t tell people how old I am. I just say “I’m chillin’ like a villain” and they get the picture.

submitted 81 days ago • 0 comments

Changed my email signature to "And there's nothing any of you can do to stop me!" Mostly positive feedback so far

submitted 83 days ago • 0 comments

We do not offer "floor nachos." That was an accident. But we're glad you all enjoyed them so much.

submitted 532 days ago • 0 comments

first date i already wrote a sea shanty about you

submitted 89 days ago • 3 comments

Me: My Brain: Rusted Root was a crazy name for a band though.

submitted 82 days ago • 0 comments

Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner either.

submitted 82 days ago • 0 comments

[me on a roadtrip about to become super popular with the fellas] I call it a carmonica

submitted 85 days ago • 2 comments

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of a good snack must be in want of an eight season show to binge watch in one sitting.

submitted 85 days ago • 0 comments