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paytonmatting.bsky.social
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Just heard from Best Buy that they are already prepared to cave to the demands from no one shopping there this morning and run a special Cheeto In The White House 1/2 price deal on all premium soundbars* *does not include subwoofers

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

If you were born between 1946-1988 you should only be allowed on the computer 20 minutes a week

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

Obama picking up the phone to let people know the economic blackout doesn’t apply to Netflix, his latest doc has 11 views

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

The lead from the Girl Scout cookies have merged with the microplastics in my balls to form a supergroup with Ted Nugent on guitar

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

Time to come clean gang: I still don't understand the whole deal with Gorillaz

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

Going to see the Led Zeppelin documentary later youtu.be/EJx9BNbzHKY?...

submitted 21 hours ago • 0 comments

"Organizing" without any real organization is just posting

submitted 1 day ago • 17 comments

My qualifications for being a master plumber are years of experience routing out pipes, hazardous substance removal certification and the ability to slam your fucking door shut so hard that the neighbor's pictures will fall down

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Sitting around the campfire, playing Home On The Range to the horses and covering my face with my hat while the guy at the nearest campsite pisses all over me

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

You can drive through the car wash with your windows down and your shirt off if you want. They can’t really do anything about it even if they act like it’s a problem.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Ah, that’s the stuff

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

How do you make the mail app go back to the way it was before and also all the rest of my life?

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

Showing up to my piano lesson dressed like Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club and telling the teacher we're going in a different direction this week

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

Gotta say my New Year’s resolution of becoming an air purifier filter magnate has been really working out in my favor thus far

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

Oh great, my doctors just diagnosed me with a terminal case of bad juju 😳

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass and I didn't realize visiting hours were over, my sincere apologies

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

I think I have figured out what's going on in Severance but not sure you all can handle the truth

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

If you don't want to wear a helmet at the batting cages they no longer have the manpower to force you

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

At an open mic with Chuck Todd and his Eric Cantor stories are destroying

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

Enjoy this sketch I wrote years ago about a guy who is way too proud to tell people he doesn't care about the Super Bowl www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT7s...

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

Air purifier? You mean the fan above your stove?

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

If I had to I think I could do some real damage to the saddam hussein statue in my parent’s garden

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

Just asked the mailman how he feels about being my emergency contact and he's cool with it after I gave him power of attorney!

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

Congestion pricing x3 for Waymo

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

Is there any recorded music that Questlove doesn’t love? Don’t you just want to hear him shit on like, John Cougar Mellencamp or something for 10 minutes?

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

Doing an improv exercise with your co-workers and then you yell at Denise for making you her brother instead of husband

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

Treme themed halftime show this year. Steve Zahn will play Shame, Shame, Shame On You, W for 24 minutes.

submitted 26 days ago • 1 comment

Driving the babysitter home and tell her I need to catch up on some podcasts so she has me drop her off at a makeshift cockfight happening around the corner

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

My Bob Dylan cover band are playing my parent’s country club this weekend and we’re really going to open up a lot of eyes

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

Peak kangol hat TV: Treme

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

Bruce Springsteen and Obama about to sit down to record an emergency pod

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

Haven’t seen a billiards episode of a sitcom in a long time

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

Hearing from various sources that the big game is shaping up to be a doozy

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

Haven't heard anyone say "slow your roll" since before Covid

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

You all may be wearing a mask to protect yourselves but I’m wearing one so I don’t breathe microplastics into the asbestos circulating outside

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

This is embarrassing but the Duty Watch app just sent a notification to everyone that I have too much testosterone coursing through my veins and it's only at 3% containment right now

submitted 44 days ago • 0 comments

Proud to announce I just got a guest spot on Pornhub After Dark where I will be offering the resident erudite take on the size of dryer openings these days

submitted 44 days ago • 0 comments

I think it's cute that Jimmy Carter and Peter Yarrow went out together (don't google those two names together)

submitted 45 days ago • 0 comments

Did the L.A. couple that owns all the water see Nosferatu yet?

submitted 45 days ago • 0 comments

Should probably find out how big an acre is at some point. I thought one was like the size of New Hampshire

submitted 45 days ago • 0 comments

Guess 2024 wasn’t a total wash

submitted 46 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 50 days ago • 0 comments

My open mic Poultry Diarrhea will still go on tonight because me and my boys will be damned if some stupid wind will stop us from doing bits we heard on Cumtown 18 months ago to each other for the 6th time this year. We respect the fucking hustle too much to bow down to Big Fire.

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

If the power goes out on the Sunset Strip how will people know what Peacock plans on canceling three weeks from now?

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

Drinks are on me tonight, fellas!

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

Leaving my script on the front seat of my car so Steve Gutenberg sees it before breaking the window to move it for the fire trucks

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

Yeah I have an EGOT: Egalitarian Gamers On Tha brain

submitted 52 days ago • 0 comments