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peentis.bsky.social
jorkin it
35 posts 79 followers 30 following
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Posts 44 Comments 3

A line of frozen burritos called “Brrrritos”

submitted 20 days ago • 24 comments

EXPLORER 1: what should we name this new land we found EXPLORER 2: how bout Newfoundland EXPLORER 1: damn that’s fucken good

submitted 35 days ago • 436 comments

Apparently “happy for you or sorry that happened” is not the appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement

submitted 35 days ago • 17 comments

If Rainforest Cafe ever goes bankrupt, they should blame deforestation.

submitted 34 days ago • 4 comments

Yeah I’m living paycheck to paycheck

submitted 40 days ago • 1 comment

My stomach was hurting, but I took a giant MAGA and I feel so much better now.

submitted 54 days ago • 20 comments

I think it's important to remember, with everything extremely fucked up and dumb right now, that at the root of it, fuck fuck fucking fucking fuck.

submitted 55 days ago • 401 comments

The person who came up with the spelling of phlegm just didn’t give a fuck about anything.

submitted 59 days ago • 21 comments

fuck this administration. i’m off to buy dinner from immigrants who run the best mexican restaurant my city’s ever had. have a good evening, y’all.

submitted 59 days ago • 279 comments

All federal employees must respond to an email from a Nigerian prince with their bank account number or risk being terminated.

submitted 59 days ago • 143 comments

My whole family starts crying as the judge sentences me to get on a commercial flight

submitted 70 days ago • 98 comments

Maybe I wasn’t clear about this. I wanted more egg and no plane crash, not many plane crash and no egg.

submitted 70 days ago • 595 comments

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

submitted 72 days ago • 13 comments

Oh to be a little lettuce being periodically misted at the grocery store

submitted 80 days ago • 32 comments

[Doctor, handing me back my mixtape] I meant a urine sample.

submitted 82 days ago • 7 comments

brown gravy at night, potato's delight white gravy in the morning, fresh biscuits take warning

submitted 86 days ago • 82 comments

“I’m going to have to cancel” YES!!!!!!!! <composes self> “Oh no, that’s a shame”

submitted 86 days ago • 10 comments

Heroes

submitted 88 days ago • 323 comments

White people DEI was when there was all the sudden always aioli coming as the default condiment with my french fries instead of ketchup

submitted 88 days ago • 77 comments

the appropriate response to someone doing a nxzi salute is to punch them in the face.

submitted 89 days ago • 182 comments

If the price of coffee goes up the guy from blues traveler will be fine because he also likes tea

submitted 92 days ago • 90 comments

submitted 92 days ago • 67 comments

Kid Rock makes music for people who know exactly how much Sudafed you can buy with a stolen catalytic converter

submitted 92 days ago • 248 comments

the books never addressed it but the best name for the school quidditch team would be the Hogwarts Warthogs

submitted 93 days ago • 6 comments

“I’ve got $22 Kohl’s cash and a 30% off coupon” - me, flirting

submitted 94 days ago • 6 comments

I don't want to "Turn the other cheek" I want to dispense venom from intra-mandibular pouches

submitted 94 days ago • 9 comments

One thing about me is that I will fight Nazis until I’m six feet in the ground.

submitted 95 days ago • 4369 comments

An open letter to nazi Americans. Dear nazi Americans, I would say to "fuck off," but my wife says I need to be more polite, so I'll say please. Please fuck off. Sincerely, --MPK

submitted 94 days ago • 17 comments

once when i was high i got the munchies so bad i tried to shotgun a can of soup

submitted 94 days ago • 48 comments

Started a band called ‘Duvet.’ All we play are covers

submitted 95 days ago • 224 comments

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

submitted 95 days ago • 14 comments

Thou shalt accept that DEI didn't hold your career back -- you're just mid, bro.

submitted 95 days ago • 360 comments

my posting slows down when it gets cold because the thought juices get all gummed up in the tubes

submitted 97 days ago • 7 comments

Oh wow, they brought back 2020 doomscrolling. They’ll remake anything these days.

submitted 98 days ago • 33 comments

To me, a chucklefuck is a good thing to be actually

submitted 97 days ago • 3 comments

There is a special place in video game hell for games that have waterfalls with no treasure behind them

submitted 98 days ago • 165 comments

Hmmm getting some pushback from this guy I pushed

submitted 98 days ago • 6 comments

Fuck Trump.

submitted 99 days ago • 29 comments

It's such a betrayal when something falls out of your sandwich.

submitted 100 days ago • 16 comments

If anyone knows of any haunted and/or mysterious locations, sarcophagi, portals, boxes, etc. whatever you got, go ahead and crack ‘em open at this point.

submitted 99 days ago • 3 comments

those few minutes after you turn off the shower that you just sort of stand there

submitted 99 days ago • 0 comments

Dystopian movies and reality TV have finally merged into one thing called "the news."

submitted 99 days ago • 17 comments

instead of invite codes this site should require a personal reference from someone stating that you understand what a joke is

submitted 99 days ago • 225 comments

I'm spending the rest of the day writing a fanfic about Vine and TikTok boinking each other in every single way.

submitted 99 days ago • 416 comments