portmanteauface.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Jack Boot Hack: Get rid of onion breath fast. Eat a clove of garlic.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

ME: finds a drop of Elon Musk blood encased in amber oh no JOHN HAMMOND: whatcha got there? ME: OH NO JH: think of the money we could make charging people to hunt the clones ME: oh ok

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name—9 times out of 10, it's an existing yeast infection medication.

submitted 2 days ago • 10 comments

Breathe in and let the chorus of infernal screams build up from the diaphragm.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Want to feel old? Just close your eyes. Breathe in…then exhale through the rasp and challenge of your lungs. Feel the weight of your aging body. Truly exist inside your drying skin and weakening bones and failing meat sack. Let the experience of time ravaging your very existence roll through you.

submitted 2 days ago • 13 comments

100 men could defeat a gorilla. 15,000-20,000 pounds of man flesh could easily crush an 800-pound gorilla. But this would be less of a fight and more of a flesh pile. Only the men on top of the flesh pile would survive, and they'd never speak of it afterwards.

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

[Young Gary Busey sleeping] the tooth fairy:into headset mic wow ima need back up

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

sometimes you don’t need to do the laundry; sometimes you can just pack the hamper down a little bit and it’ll look less full

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

The enemy of my enemy’s enemy’s enemy’s enemy’s enemy might be Kevin Bacon.

submitted 411 days ago • 15 comments

i bought a sports bra at a dollar store . your move, tjmaxxx

submitted 9 days ago • 6 comments

So the small town had this lottery where they all pick slips out of this box and then whoever gets the marked slip is stoned to death by all the other townsfolk, and I just really think that Airbnb owes me a refund.

submitted 17 days ago • 15 comments

[me, the guy in a film noir who’s always wondering about the angles, when I meet a new person] what’s his angle

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Just think of it, to be the King of Burgers. I couldn’t even dream that big

submitted 3 days ago • 79 comments

trolls are reviled for taxing bridge-crossings, but critical infrastructure can't maintain itself, so who's the real monster here

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

I'm sober now but grateful for all the psychedelics I did in college because everything that's happening may still just be a really bad flashback

submitted 19 hours ago • 7 comments

"A geodesic dome with a handful of rabbits seemed so idyllic," I tell my video log, struggling against the glass atop the billion bunny heap.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

I've said it before and I'll say it again because I have a terrible memory

submitted 19 hours ago • 13 comments

Why, in this, the post-pandemic world of the 21st century, do people still wish to shake my hand

submitted 14 hours ago • 5 comments

i don’t think men realize that they stick a yawning alligator inside you at the gyno.

submitted 1 day ago • 31 comments

What kind of person pays someone to dress as a circus clown and hide in their wardrobe to watch them have sex with their unsuspecting partner!?! If that's you, I'm offering reasonable prices.

submitted 13 hours ago • 0 comments

[Being dragged out of the CIA Head Office because I asked for five female employees to form a band called The Spies Girls] They can do it on a part-time basis.

submitted 15 hours ago • 4 comments

Before I can confirm whether or not the life of the reclusive hermit in a dilapidated shed deep in the unforgiving woods is right for me, I will consult the orb.

submitted 13 hours ago • 6 comments

if i was a high school career counselor, i’d say things like “you don’t have the drive to work for Uber” or “you’re not suited to work in menswear” or “your plan to open a patisserie is half-baked” or

submitted 19 hours ago • 31 comments

I keep a sign on every wall in my house saying "Dry Paint"

submitted 14 hours ago • 0 comments

I'm just trying to make my stuff unrelatable.

submitted 17 hours ago • 6 comments

I wish the people in my real life would stop interrupting me while I’m busy being hilarious for strangers online.

submitted 18 hours ago • 23 comments

ME: i wish you were here GENIE: granted ME: thank here

submitted 13 hours ago • 1 comment

Sorry kids, but due to the economy this year's birthday clown is bone in.

submitted 13 hours ago • 1 comment

Safety message: Make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee.

submitted 18 hours ago • 7 comments

If the last decade has taught us anything, that would shock the hell out of me.

submitted 17 hours ago • 0 comments

Plane not found

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Baby, I am gonna elevator music your world.

submitted 13 hours ago • 1 comment

“My dad is so old…” “How old is he?” “He’s so old, we call him the 20th century fox!”

submitted 14 hours ago • 9 comments

A gritty reboot of Perfect Strangers where Balki arrives in Chicago seeking the protection of Cousin Larry as an evil Mypos syndicate pursues them both.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Chances are higher than ever that the next pope will be a woman who has been to space.

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

Suffer the consequences? No thank you that sounds terrible.

submitted 3 days ago • 7 comments

my dog thinks it's cool when I drink a bunch of water and jump up and down to make sloshing sounds, even if I throw up

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

Sometimes I look at people's beautiful homes and nice cars and I think to myself, "Why don't you dress better?"

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

"Get in!" "But-" "NOW." "Okay..." "Were you followed?" "What?" "WERE YOU FOLLOWED?" "I don't think so." "You have your passport?" "I'm not sure." "Never mind, open the glovebox." "Alright. Hey, wha-" "You know how to use that?" "Frank, what-?" "Better get used to calling me Jim."

submitted 18 hours ago • 16 comments

In the Baltic States Peeps are formed from mashed potatoes

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

My walk of shame is throwing out a McDonald’s bag in the Williams Sonoma trash can

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I’m good enough to play the harp in a symphony orchestra but my hoagie would get in the way

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

the sun is a liar 7:45 is the middle of the night

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

It's when I saw all my favorite Little Debbie snack cakes in her pantry that I knew I was in trouble.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

lotta people upset about this but come on if you just happened to be there and he just happened to be dead you know you’d weekend at bernie’s the pope too

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

i wish we could put our pain in little boxes and store it in that warehouse at the end of raiders of the lost ark

submitted 5 days ago • 6 comments

Before you post that skeet ask yourself “am I a fucking idiot?” Don’t let the answer stop you

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

BREAKING: Robert F Kennedy Jr Proposes Forcing a Lobotomy Upon Anyone Who Dares to Criticize Donald Trump in Honor of His Late Aunt Rosemary

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

the year is 2025. Mexico has issued a warning to all its citizens that due to completely avoidable and yet surging measles outbreaks, America has now been designated as an official shithole country and should be avoided at all costs

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments