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schmrrrlex.bsky.social
mouldering lump of organic matter trapped in a series of social media accounts with diminishing returns
276 posts 2,451 followers 218 following
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Posts 20 Comments 29

Matthew: they not like us Mark: they not like us Luke: they not like us John: wop wop wop get em Christ fuck em up

submitted 80 days ago • 2 comments

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Emperor Augustus, I have come to meet you, as you are a major inspiration for my own empire in the distant future. CAESAR AUGUSTUS: (whispering to his advisors) The stretched-out child has the hair of a dog

submitted 1 day ago • 29 comments

Touching grass is not enough I need to run from a bee

submitted 8 days ago • 105 comments

Be the scrabbling you want to hear in the walls

submitted 10 days ago • 14 comments

Being a person is like trying to find close parking at an impossible place, just give up immediately and go way the fuck out there "I'm here but it's a long weird walk to the mall I was conceived in"

submitted 14 days ago • 4 comments

While all you morons were putting cash into your 401ks, I spent my adulthood investing in magic beans. They all laughed at me, but look where we are now. In the post-apocalyptic Hellscape, the one who controls the beans is queen.

submitted 15 days ago • 116 comments

[at the front of a bread line] uh yeah, uh. uh, i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. huh. i’ll uh, i’ll. oh you know what? here’s what i’ll do. i’ll get the uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

submitted 14 days ago • 172 comments

BREAKING: White House sources report an old Ork Codex was slipped into the President's Daily Briefing and he is now exploring the possibility of ending the dollar entirely in favor of a teeth based economy

submitted 15 days ago • 230 comments

Therapists are like sherpas for mountains that don't exist till you climb.

submitted 15 days ago • 2 comments

walking your dog is feminine. having fun is feminine. dunking your face in water is masculine. sleeping is feminine. eating lunch is masculine. eating a banana for lunch is feminine. going outside is feminine

submitted 15 days ago • 241 comments

"If we were living in a simulation could I do THIS," I say as I clip through a table and lock into a T-pose, slowly rotating as I violently flicker up and and down due to an undefined z-axis coordinate.

submitted 16 days ago • 2 comments

me: when is your birthday her: march 1st me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

submitted 152 days ago • 24 comments

You guys scoffed when I said my retirement plan was to be productive in the mines and to dominate in the arena against the champions of other warlords but look who’s scoffing now.

submitted 17 days ago • 3 comments

[talking to my houseplants] listen, you piece of shit

submitted 19 days ago • 4 comments

You might think you see a cluster of fresh daffodils springing from the earth but it’s just me underground wearing a fancy hat.

submitted 34 days ago • 9 comments

so this second Great Depression…will there still be southwest eggrolls or how bad is this gonna be

submitted 20 days ago • 1 comment

Lennon-McCartney was a traveling musician-sage from the British Province of the Western Empire. His devotees briefly eclipsed the Jesus school in influence. Over 1,000 songs have been attributed to him.

submitted 84 days ago • 2 comments

alright which one of you desecrated the ancient shrine? c’mon don’t drag this out you know the cursed fog won’t lift from the village until we figure this out. i have tickets to see a movie at eight.

submitted 23 days ago • 4 comments

[squirrel meeting] chief squirrel: everyone, i suspect someone among us is an infiltrator owl: hoo chief squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out, Owen

submitted 24 days ago • 8 comments

neber

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments