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scottcrisp.bsky.social
Writer and comedian from Dallas, Texas
20 posts 45 followers 95 following
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Posts 20 Comments 2

Some good news: The thing I saw lying twisted and motionless on the side of I-30 earlier today turned out to be a big blue & red duffel bag and NOT Spider-Man's mangled corpse like I first thought.

submitted 28 days ago • 0 comments

Fuck you @dallasmavs.bsky.social

submitted 39 days ago • 0 comments

I pointed out the sex shop's inventory was all just stuff you can win at Dave & Busters and the salesman got all panicked and whisper-yelled that if I was cool about it I could have a pair of oversized foreplay glasses and a Chinese penis-trap on the house.

submitted 86 days ago • 0 comments

Johnny Cash was reciting Commodus lines from #Gladiator to Joaquin Phoenix the first time they met "‘They tell me your son squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross, and your wife moaned like a whore' ... he just said this to Joaquin out of the blue" (via Deadline)

submitted 95 days ago • 5 comments

TDO is a fugitive

submitted 95 days ago • 1 comment

Can't even express how much Taco Bell can get the fuck outta here advertising a $7 box as "like the 90s." Spending $7 at Taco Bell in the 90s would've been unthinkable. You'd have been stoned & ritually driven from town as a glutton, then we'd eat all that Taco Bell you ordered. It was a good system

submitted 95 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 100 days ago • 0 comments

(Being held down at the Christmas Fair because I got too full of Christmas Cheer and took a swing at a labradoodle whose owner had dyed him green and dressed him up as the Grinch) Oh okay but he's just allowed to walk around like that, stealing Christmas, okay

submitted 100 days ago • 0 comments

It would've been funny if a famous New York singer like Tony Bennett put a song out in response to A Country Boy Can Survive called I Stabbed Hank Williams Jr.'s Friend for $43 (I dunno kind of a dark joke I guess but still).

submitted 110 days ago • 0 comments

Looking for more mutuals #promosky *Ken Allen *Bornean orangutan *Became famous in 1985 after escaping enclosure at the San Diego Zoo three times in a single summer *Flipping the bird to people who happen by

submitted 110 days ago • 0 comments

Hearing some really good classic rock 👍🏻 while being beaten up by a bunch of sweaty Italian gangsters 👎🏻 and realizing you’re in a film by Mr. Martin Scorsese 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

submitted 111 days ago • 0 comments

It is with great regret that I announce the cancellation of my upcoming stage show The Contest Episode of Seinfeld But with Rhesus Monkeys due to the rhesus monkeys' inability to stop jacking off for even an hour.

submitted 112 days ago • 0 comments

Crazy to think Martin Scorsese's just walking around out there completely unaware that he's identical eyebrow twins with my gf's dog.

submitted 116 days ago • 0 comments

Sometimes I worry if we keep encouraging him, one of these nights Bruce Buffer is going to get too riled up and announce himself to death.

submitted 116 days ago • 0 comments

Joe Rogan looking like if Jason Statham got caught in one of those car crushing machines or if Uncle Fester ordered a bunch of nandrolone off the dark web 👍🏻👍🏻

submitted 116 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 117 days ago • 0 comments

The good news is with one small squeeze, the orange tangerine mio will turn your water into a calorie free version of prime McDonalds orange hi-c. The bad news is this is the only good thing about being alive in 2024.

submitted 118 days ago • 0 comments

So good looking but doesn't he know it

submitted 118 days ago • 0 comments

(Being led up to the altar on the top of the pyramid where they cut people's still beating hearts out and hold them aloft as an offering to the gods during times of drought) Is there really a Taco Bueno up here? There wasn't a Taco Bueno last time I was up here.

submitted 118 days ago • 0 comments

Most kids today would rather have a spiked tail they could smash stuff with than a prehensile tail they could hold onto stuff with and I think that says it all sadly.

submitted 118 days ago • 0 comments