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scotttowel.bsky.social
Some content may have been re-purposed from the dead bird place 🐦 I don't follow back accounts that don't repost others or only post about one subject. Sorry "I fake it so real I am beyond fake"
636 posts 1,926 followers 1,776 following
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I am perfectly positioned for financial abundance as long as the bank teller doesn't hit the silent alarm.

submitted 6 hours ago • 0 comments

If you can’t summon the flames directly from Hell, store bought is fine.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Saturday, or just another episode of The Twilight Zone?

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

She was rare, like a decent night’s sleep in 2025.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I find your grandmother’s knickknack collection alarmingly lackluster.

submitted 21 hours ago • 36 comments

On 22 February 1943, three young Germans, members of the White Rose Society -- Hans Scholl, Sophie Scholl, and Christoph Probst -- were guillotined by the Nazis for distributing leaflets speaking out against the crimes of the Third Reich. Their bravery, and their cause, will not be forgotten.

submitted 20 hours ago • 10 comments

Stay humble by listening to a recording of your own voice.

submitted 17 hours ago • 20 comments

It feels like people are waking up

submitted 17 hours ago • 1547 comments

I draw the line at penciled in eyebrows.

submitted 19 hours ago • 6 comments

None of us knows what the hell is going on. I take comfort in that.

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

Fucken LOVE the way Maine Governor Janet Mills stood up to that little bitch. More of that please

submitted 21 hours ago • 34 comments

I am brave, I am strong, and I will be seeking validation anyway

submitted 18 hours ago • 6 comments

hello and welcome to poundtown, I am the mayor due to gerrymandering

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

[sucking on a chili dog] i just got an idea for a song

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

Love to just ruin my family’s day by opening my arms wide like Maria von Trapp while my voice swells as I say, “I feel a song coming on!”

submitted 18 hours ago • 2 comments

Exploring my dimensions. Stand back.

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

The common sense urge to remind you to mind your own damn business

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

[in this tweet, pretend I know Photoshop and that I've taken the movie poster for Top Gun: Maverick and I've put Andy Griffith's head on Tom Cruise's body and the title of the movie now says, "Top Gun: Matlock." And you all say "Haha good one ol' chap." and everyone likes and reposts]

submitted 19 hours ago • 2 comments

Woke up giddy with ambivalence again

submitted 22 hours ago • 2 comments

I would apologize, but I think we both learned something valuable

submitted 18 hours ago • 2 comments

Need a garden shed sized blueberry muffin that I can eat my way into then lay down for a nice warm, blueberry nap in.

submitted 18 hours ago • 3 comments

I'm just a wolf who's intentions are good oh lord please don't let me eat Red Riding Hood

submitted 19 hours ago • 29 comments

So patronizing when the dentist patiently explains how to floss. I'm not a baby who doesn't know how to do basic things. I'm a baby who doesn't wanna

submitted 21 hours ago • 332 comments

Imagine sex with me... Nope, more action figures.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

I was unabashedly staring at the finest set of gams I'd ever seen when a voice broke my reverie - Hey Cowboy, my breasts are up here.

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

Need some witches to start doing witch shit asap

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Sorry I shitposted the bed.

submitted 1 day ago • 13 comments

Dateline nbc makes you ask yourself the tough questions, like what embarrassingly long amount of time would pass before anyone found it unusual I hadn’t returned their texts or phone calls

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

“If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” A classic quote from Malcolm X, who was assassinated 60 years ago today.

submitted 1 day ago • 571 comments

In college I’d get rides back home from a friend’s cousin who spit chew into an open styrofoam cup in the flimsy fold-out holder on the dash of his honda accord. I’d just stare at the spit rocking dangerously back and forth as we raced through the mississippi valley. feels like that all the time now

submitted 3 days ago • 22 comments

“I’m sorry, Harold, but I can’t take it any more. The uncatchable laser light, taunting me with yarn, the bird in the cage…it’s just too much. I’ll be at my sister Phyllis’. You can send my things there.”

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Whoever has the voodoo doll of me, please take its head out of the vise. Thanks.

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

This season of A Comedy of Errors is starting out much worse than the first. Would not recommend.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

My 15 minutes of fame is every time I come home and all my disabled dogs and cats rush to greet me at the door

submitted 90 days ago • 4 comments

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, MARGARET.”

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

I'm 0 for 7 with getting anyone to appreciate my "let's make this urinal an ourinal" joke

submitted 1 day ago • 35 comments

I’ve used up all my good tweets from twitter so now what?

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Gunner 🦮 Young male Boxer Adoptable from Gloucester County Animal Shelter (Clayton, NJ) https://www.petfinder.com/dog/gunner-75274319/nj/clayton/gloucester-county-animal-shelter-nj167/

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

they should invent some sort of large vehicle that can carry a bunch of people at once so there's less traffic on the roads

submitted 1 day ago • 10 comments

Man Cold: Day 1 My throat is sore and I have a cough. The body aches are starting to develop. I feel the cold touch of death’s fingers slowly taking hold of my nipples. The end may be near.

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

Is it only me that wonders if I woke up at some point during 2016 to find myself in the pages of the next great dystopian novel?

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

[first dog ever launched into space] wait this isn't the park

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

*seductively unzips from neck to ankle

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

Don’t ever let anyone make you believe you are nothing. You are a whole universe. Without you, a vast population of microbes would perish. To them, you are everything. Hold your head high, queen.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments