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shade5.bsky.social
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:pe5k4d63mfrmqkc5xxfoolkt/feed/aaalzjcmwys7u
5,852 posts 21,457 followers 5,530 following
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Posts 44 Comments 6

I think a gold dookie chain would fix me.

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

l'm not a swinger per se, but I've been known to eat chips AND ice cream in bed at the same time.

submitted 6 days ago • 13 comments

Never trust a person who doesn’t like free food. They’re idiots.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Finely aged vibes are my weakness.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

One day in kindergarten, Missy showed up in the same cute rainbow jumpsuit as me and that’s when I learned about being a petty bitch, kids.

submitted 6 days ago • 11 comments

once every decade or so we should all be allowed administrative control of our memories, enabling us to delete the extraneous lines of code, the bugs, the latent catastrophic viruses also that time we hooked up with Kevin the ornithologist and he orgasmed in birdsong

submitted 6 days ago • 21 comments

It's like you don't even appreciate how much time it took to bedazzle your name on the ass of my cargo shorts.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Some people are like that tiny sliver of a funny-tasting onion that can fuck up your entire digestive system.

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

When I see a skeet I reskeeted has thousands of likes, I like to think I had something to do with it.

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

Jesse's mom gets take-out Szechuan.

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

Critter. A delightful word. 10/10

submitted 7 days ago • 14 comments

I want whatever drugs this Apple personalized playlist is on.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

My cat took a shit. Now begins his 3 day pawing at the side of the litter box. Soon he'll reach China.

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

The updated total is that TACO Trump has now pardoned NINE former Republican members of Congress convicted of crimes.

submitted 7 days ago • 164 comments

Patisserie is French for “five dollars per bite”

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

All I want is a hug, a smack on the ass and some ice cream.

submitted 6 days ago • 26 comments

Hear me out: a PEZ dispenser for edibles.

submitted 23 days ago • 16 comments

So hungover that I'm considering filing for disability

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Teachers aren't allowed to slap students. Unless the student grows up to become president, then it's retroactive discipline and community service.

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

When life is sad, but salary is funny... *current tragicomedy

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Be so fucking proud of yourself for healing from all the things you don't talk about.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Fuck nudes, drive off a cliff with me.

submitted 6 days ago • 13 comments

No one out here really knows what scrod is. Just get it fried with a side of onion rings.

submitted 7 days ago • 16 comments

I have no friends. It’s so nice

submitted 7 days ago • 10 comments

You can call me your crispy little hash brown if you wanna

submitted 418 days ago • 3 comments

I haven’t fancied anything since 2015

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

hit me in the back of the head with this hammer until I stop complaining

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

My writing walks the fine line between stupid and egregiously stupid.

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

Dismayed by humanity, I decided to turn inward and gnaw at my soul.

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

Apologies for saying you are boring. But in my defense, you are.

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

The real reason men ask for sandwiches after sex is because asking for a porterhouse steak with a side of fingerling potatoes seems unreasonable.

submitted 8 days ago • 3 comments

Lots of money - stacks Concrete fissures - cracks Drs Oz & Phil - quacks Obsolete note - fax WTF is FICA - tax Little effort - lax Cloned Oneals - Shaqs Fix a furry bush - wax Ample bosoms - racks

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

America’s new motto : “De capite putridum” (Rotting from the head)

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

Some of you write like you hit post then strut around tucking your shirt in.

submitted 8 days ago • 12 comments

Interviewer: how do you perform under pressure? Me: *turns into a bat and flies away*

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

I’m not emotionally unavailable. I just have several layers of encryption.

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

Who knew that the pompatus of love meant being in a throuple?

submitted 7 days ago • 3 comments

I've been to hell & back . . . because when I got there I realized I forgot my phone.

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

In high school I was voted most likely to share what I was voted mostly likely to.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Instructions are just dares for shortcuts.

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

Like the Scarlet Letter, but the A on my shirt is just so people know up front that I’m awful.

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

I love the smell of coffee and muting people first thing in the morning.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

[SubWay HQ] Employee: sir I have an idea for a new menu item CEO: before you start, can it be made a foot long? Employee: well yes but it would be ridicu- CEO: proceed

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

If you don’t like the M&Ms in the chicken salad just fuckin eat around them

submitted 10 days ago • 6 comments