standup-comedy.co.uk
I'm a standup comedian in London, but like one of the bad ones you see when your local pub does a free comedy night and you wish you'd just stayed in and watched Netflix instead.
232 posts
106 followers
140 following
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I'm sure she doesn't remember, but about 25 years ago I met Mel in the green room for the Lorraine Kelly show. I was there as a guest expert for a segment, and she was the only celeb who chatted to me - she was lovely and friendly, and I've never forgotten that.
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You don't need to wipe if you just shit in the shower like a normal person.
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The algorithm works!
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I've always known I can't really work in the morning unless it's something super-urgent - I get everything done between 2-6 most days. But can I convince myself to just go for a nice walk in the park, or do something I'll actually enjoy during that wasted time? Absolutely not.
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Same - I wfh remotely for a US company, and they absolutely do not give a shit about me doing the 9-5, so long as I get my shit done, hit targets, and get on calls when required.
But the ingrained habit of sitting at my desk all day, even if I'm being unproductive, is so hard to shake off.
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God, I have never felt more like an old man with literally a suitcase full of memories. There's a case buried away in a cupboard, with some old photos of her, and a few of the silly little gifts she'd buy me. We never did big presents, because they'd be too hard to explain away.
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When Coldplay were new and cool, she gave me a copy of Parachutes. Said she wanted me to have it because she'd been listening to it a lot. Felt like she was trying to tell me something, but I never really got it.
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She'd cringe hard if she knew this - but I always think of David Gray's White Ladder as the soundtrack to our relationship. It was constantly on the radio in those first years we got together, London was our playground, chemicals rushing through our bloodstream, falling in and out of bars.
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And that, I suppose is where the real sadness lies. I stayed away - happy to know she was living the great life she deserved. But I always imagined there would be a day when she could meet the healed, happy version of me, one last time, and we could say goodbye properly.
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We stayed in touch, met occasionally, but she eventually cut me off a few years later - I was in a bad place mentally and she was pregnant for the first time. I totally understand and never blamed her for cutting contact - who needs a damaged ex on the scene when you've got a baby on the way....
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Thanks - I'm getting through it. This is just a good, relatively anonymous place to get it all out.
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We went on a lot of the same business trips together, which was handy, under the circumstances. There was one week-long trip to Monaco with Microsoft - it was like we were paid to go on holiday together! I have a photo of her smiling by the entrance to the famous Formula 1 race tunnel.
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There's a bloke on my road who has a scale model of the Cenotaph, one of those WW1 soldier silhouettes, and a bunch of plastic poppies in his front garden, all year round.
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You're saying we need a gritty Mr Tumble origin story? I'm in.
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We need to go back to the Seven Kingdoms. I'm sick of the good folk of Wessex seeing their tithes wasted on propping up the failed state of East Anglia.
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Might have a crack at making cider with them this year - we also get a lot of windfall from the neighbour's massive cooking apple tree.
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We have a row of 3 which came with the house. I hate maintaining them, and the apples mostly go to waste, but this time of year is nice.
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"A bit like Marmite - yeasty."
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When did he go?
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Somebody I first met in my current job 10 years ago. Not exactly the same thing, but it got me thinking about all the old school tech journos we've lost.
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I once witnessed an adult woman have a screaming meltdown because somebody politely pointed out that she shouldn't be having a loud telephone conversation in the quiet carriage. It's a nice idea in theory, but doesn't work in practice because people are awful.
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Mumsnet is leaking again.
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"Driving the bus off a cliff would have worked out much better if only we had a more moderate driver."
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Are we fucking gatekeeping adulthood now?
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He was too busy making films that people actually like.
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You'd have to be, to survive that much time in close proximity to all those walking Linkedin posts.
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Comedy open mics need an audience if the night is going to be at all useful, but you can only get an audience to show up regularly if you can guarantee a few half-decent acts every night. So you kind of need to pre-book acts to be certain of numbers, and that a few of them will be entertaining.
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I went a couple of weeks ago on an ESTA for a work meeting in Louisiana - the border agent tried to make a weak joke about politics while was asking about the nature of my business, but I just smiled politely and didn't rise to it.
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It's great that people are keeping the high-street alive.
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If we're going to ban everything that's noisy and fun let's start with your mum.
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This is one of those lines which still gets used on a regular basis between me and my oldest friends whenever we see something exciting.
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Tramampoline!
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The point is to drag the Overton Window so far to the right that even Enoch Powell would blush.