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tanner68.bsky.social
Pro-Cilantro. Tired. MS-haver. She/Her. 🕷🌱🍁
2,045 posts 1,365 followers 563 following
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Posts 41 Comments 9

Today, Satan

submitted 22 hours ago • 16 comments

Sluuuurp.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

petition to refer to Jeff Bezos as Lex Loogie from here on out

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

I took a DNA test and I’m 14% overnight oats

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

She's got Larry David thighs.

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Cats are like “I know a place” and then just lie down facing away from you

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Why do Opticians' offices protect your pupillary distance measurements as if they were the crown jewels? (Never mind, I know why). Someone tell me the secret to getting them to give that measurement to me pls!

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

We don't have a rocket to launch rich women into space, but next week you can see six of our cocktail servers attempt to jump a jet ski over a beaver dam.

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

Describe yourself with a building

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I had the pleasure of working with Wes for some years in the '90s and early 2000s. He popped into my head this morning, a happy memory of a wonderful man. He had the warmest personality, an enormous and joyful laugh, and kind words for anybody he welcomed into his office for a chat ❤️

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Hot dogs are the most delicious form of self loathing I’ll take 3 please

submitted 4 days ago • 10 comments

Me, smiling politely as I walk past the receptionist and enter the restroom: Me, in the restroom: OH GOD! OH GOD! [sobbing] Why is this happening?! [flush flush] OH MY GOD! [flush flush] Me, smiling politely at the receptionist as I exit the restroom:

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

🎶Everybody Was Tickle Fighting hee-hee-hee-hee hee-hee hee-hee hee

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Sometimes they write themselves 🤷‍♀️

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

cthulhululemon sells overpriced tentacleggings

submitted 2 days ago • 24 comments

Inside me are two Grammar Nazis. This is the Wurst thing ever.

submitted 50 days ago • 0 comments

At 10K I will reenact two of the 17 things I've done for a Klondike bar in the form of a single-performer interpretive dance.

submitted 101 days ago • 1 comment

[Phones kindergarten BFF from 40+ years ago who severed our friendship after I pushed her toddler brother and he plopped right down onto her new pet hamster Benny, ending his furry little existence] "Are you mad at me?"

submitted 116 days ago • 1 comment

Time isn't real. Is it Fraturday? Thuesturday? NOBODY KNOWS!

submitted 107 days ago • 0 comments

My great niece is a corgi.

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

I don't understand why you're all so obsessed with being so obsessed with being obsessed. - Karoline Leavitt

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

When Baha Men famously asked, "Who, who, who, who, who?" I felt that shit deep in my soul.

submitted 75 days ago • 0 comments

Me: Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near? My Crush (annoyed at being stalked by me) : Stop showing up at my chicken processing job.

submitted 128 days ago • 0 comments

Ask your doctor if trepanation is right for you.

submitted 110 days ago • 0 comments

Ever since I was a little girl I knew someday I'd want to Walk like an Egyptian.

submitted 57 days ago • 0 comments

Night night, people in my phone. Sleep tight. Tighter. Sleep so tight you can't breathe. Doesn't that feel good? Shhhhhh...

submitted 122 days ago • 0 comments

Folks literally, I've got the memory of a fruit fly. I remember when I was just a tiny little egg. And then a little larva thingy! That was a blast. Good times. Had to be at least 37 minutes ago.

submitted 130 days ago • 0 comments

🎵We had joy, we had fun, Fixed insurance with a gun🎶

submitted 124 days ago • 0 comments

Wanna boff? Skronk? Bang? Knock boots? Do the Horizontal Tango? Make love? Bone? Smash? Bump uglies? Hump? Lay together? Fornicate? Get it on? Shag? Make it? Hook up? Screw? Copulate? Have relations? Make whoopee? Couple? Score? Me neither.

submitted 69 days ago • 0 comments

There are two wolves inside me, and both have the zoomies. It's fucking ruckus in there and they've punctured at least three organs. Send help, I'm bleeding out.

submitted 95 days ago • 0 comments

Imagine if the hills were alive with the sound of muzak. I just barfed thinking about it.

submitted 103 days ago • 0 comments

Me: *giggling* ...um... I'm having trouble coming up with an answer. I'll take "Dare" instead. Judge: Ma'am that's not how this works. You're on trial for murder.

submitted 120 days ago • 0 comments

I spent the better part of the '90s as the only straight woman amongst a herd of lesbians. We were always doing the most random stuff. One bought a house on impulse that we all worked on renovating. Parties, beach days, hangover breakfasts, hot tubs, BBQs, festivals. So much fun. I miss them.

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

I feel I've met my people on Bsky and that I can open up a bit about the more private aspects of my life now. For instance, I'm twice divorced. People sometimes ask me whether I have regrets about ending my marriages, and are surprised to learn that I do. Both! (I'd far rather have been widowed).

submitted 71 days ago • 0 comments

I live a pretty normal life: 9 to 5 office job, a house, a kid, couple of cats and a dog... But if autocomplete had had its way, instead I'd be able to make that time when you were approaching the course of my adult year and then you would have been able to find out what I would encourage you to arr

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

Wasted Rizz, an autobiography.

submitted 54 days ago • 0 comments

Timpani-Theremin is such a beautiful name for a baby girl.

submitted 45 days ago • 0 comments

I can't help if I have the zoomies at 4:00 a.m.

submitted 77 days ago • 0 comments

I'm trying to ID this song. The intro is an instrumental and it goes like: "Ba-dum-dum-tchhhhh Ba-dum-dum-tchhhhh Ba-dum-dum-tchhhhh" and then there's a small voice that wails in the background, kinda "oooOOooloooOOoolaa" and then this cool guitar riff that evokes Zeppelin's The Immigrant Song, as

submitted 69 days ago • 1 comment

Just saw a post on Facebook that started with, "I seen this..." and my spleen exploded and I died 12 times.

submitted 14 days ago • 1 comment

Our genetically modified supergenius otters, known for their cuteness, have not taken their handlers hostage. They're just going about their day as normal, certainly not running the zoo's social media.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments