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therealmelissa.bsky.social
jaded gen x-er, mom, hip-hop connoisseur 🎧 PNW 🌦️eyebrows are not my own ♾️
1,104 posts 484 followers 678 following
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Posts 30 Comments 19

banger day ☀️🌳🌊

submitted 6 minutes ago • 0 comments

I just read lord of the flies for the first time, and I hated it, but also getting stranded on a remote island and never having to deal with *all of this* actually sounds quite enticing rn

submitted 6 hours ago • 0 comments

so the police department won’t come to my house when my car is broken into, but they have the time to ticket me for being in 2-hour parking for 2.5 hours while my son is having unexpected dental work done…cool

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

All females of no longer breeding age will be out to pasture while quantities last. The rest will be culled.

submitted 1 day ago • 16 comments

this dude came into the gym, set up a whole ass 5 foot tripod, and proceeded to carry on a facetime call with no headphones or mic two machines away from me I should be allowed to throw a dumbbell at his face

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

“Do you follow Jesus this closely?” If he drove 5 miles under the speed limit, the answer is yes, Carol

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I always read “Canada” as “Canadia” in my head

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I don’t like this. *waves arms expansively at my life Any of this.

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE - dads

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

can i be a kind and caring person and also have abs... let's not find out

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Petition to stop putting cantaloupe in every fruit cup everywhere

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

was going to the bank drove right past the bank I wonder where my brain was taking me

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

welcome to another edition of Woah How Long Have I Been Staring at my Phone

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

I wish cass elliot had risen from the dead after three days instead and that's that

submitted 12 days ago • 2 comments

Thinking of replacing my doorbell with a landmine

submitted 15 days ago • 2 comments

I hope when I die my kids go back through our text messages and make a slide show of the all the wild shit I say to show at my funeral

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

my 20yo just used “statute of limitations” instead of “process of elimination” in a conversation and I thought I was having a stroke for a minute

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

the zipper merge, to me, is the greatest, purest demonstration of a persons psyche

submitted 21 days ago • 1 comment

oh i am grabbing a suggestion card at *my* next neuro appointment

submitted 24 days ago • 1 comment

A Gift, from the church!

submitted 25 days ago • 2 comments

I just need everyone to know that this is the room my 17YO was put in at his neurology appointment today

submitted 25 days ago • 11 comments

i lived in 3 different trailer parks in my life and all 3 were safer than any white lotus

submitted 25 days ago • 2 comments

No cheating. The last saved celebrity pic is your therapist. ngl, this concert definitely FELT like therapy

submitted 28 days ago • 0 comments

the two genders

submitted 30 days ago • 47 comments

I just stepped on my own pants while attempting to get out of my car and almost ate shit in the walgreens parking lot this is not the first time I’ve done this (different parking lot)

submitted 31 days ago • 0 comments

did you see hillary clinton posts reskeeted onto your timeline? you may be entitled to financial compensation

submitted 31 days ago • 9 comments

Have you tried being a dick about it?

submitted 35 days ago • 1 comment

LaRussell and Richie Rich show on this beautiful day in Seattle ❤️🎧❤️

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

Babies under one don't typically get a measles vax? When I was a baby I had to tie off my own tourniquet & stab myself in the arm with a syringe the size & width of a pool cue & then yell at myself for crying while smoking an unfiltered cigarette & patting my pet eagle. We need stronger babies 🇺🇸 🦅

submitted 38 days ago • 7 comments

Not giving a flying fuck is one of my favorite things to do in my off time.

submitted 34 days ago • 8 comments