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thesolemnbard.bsky.social
a man of letters
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My daughter (3) going through the records: I want this one. "Boys and Hands"

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

My 3-year-old maintains that no one is both cute and happy (she is happy, not cute; her baby sister is cute, not happy)

submitted 12 days ago • 1 comment

Why love someone platonically when you can love them plate-tectonically (as two crustal masses, colliding with, sliding under, and moving past one another)

submitted 60 days ago • 32 comments

PIZZA GUY: Lemme read that back. I take the third right, second left, fifth left, second right, fourth left. Don't touch the seventh stone after the statue with the trident. Square door if there's a breeze from the east, round door otherwise MINOTAUR: No, no

submitted 72 days ago • 0 comments

Face down, Ass up, That my friends, Is a feeding duck

submitted 73 days ago • 1 comment

Little ditty Bout Mike and Jo-ann Two competing craft stores in America's heartland Mikey gonna sell art with a mason ja-ar Joann make a quilt for the back seat of the car Smock on

submitted 73 days ago • 5 comments

You can get "wealth" by taking liberties with "the law"

submitted 75 days ago • 0 comments

Hiring a Latin band to play loudly outside the office just as your rival begins his presentation is mariachiavellian

submitted 78 days ago • 0 comments

Me: Give it to me straight, doc Doctor: ANEMIA. LEAKY VALVE. ENZYME FAIL. FATAL WITHIN A WEEK Me: Now give it to me curvy Doctor: BOGUS BUG, BRO. GROSS CRUD. DO DRUGS, SO GOOD POOP OCCURS. GO DO DOC PROUD, DOG

submitted 79 days ago • 1 comment

murderer: [looking murderly at me] me: [holds up steaming mug that says Do Not Even Think Of Murdering Me Before I’ve Had My Coffee] murderer: [holds up steaming mug that says I Can’t Read]

submitted 79 days ago • 4 comments

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn" Reasonably verbose? He frowns (this is an anagram)

submitted 80 days ago • 0 comments

are there a lot of first person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

submitted 84 days ago • 14 comments

Holy infant so tender and mild, so succulent and flavorsome, so juicy and melt-in-the-mouth

submitted 85 days ago • 23 comments

unnecessary syllabificational optimization (a haiku)

submitted 84 days ago • 0 comments

You know it's authentic Russian porn when a lady takes off her clothes to reveal an identical, slightly smaller lady

submitted 86 days ago • 5 comments

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life? USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car

submitted 85 days ago • 2 comments

date: i’m a single mom me, a one-upper: i’m two moms

submitted 86 days ago • 8 comments

Bluey-heads will understand why I laughed to read the end of this chapter while watching Sticky Gecko

submitted 86 days ago • 0 comments

in your moment of greatest peril, every animal you ever swerved to avoid appears to fight on your behalf

submitted 87 days ago • 14 comments

I like the term “loanword” because it implies the word will need to be returned at some point. “Café” is due back to the French in three days. The fines on “raccoon” have really been piling up with the Algonquin so make sure to return that this week

submitted 87 days ago • 15 comments

[1969] MARCIA: We're married! GEORGE LUCAS: My beautiful fourth wife MARCIA: what GEORGE: Yes, later I will have three wives that come before you, nine total. I won't be involved with the last three. This is a normal way

submitted 87 days ago • 0 comments

Cookie Monster is a great example of om nom nominative determinism

submitted 87 days ago • 0 comments

ME *enjoying a pizza*: Mmm, just what the doctor ordered {knock, knock} ME *opening door*: Hello? DOCTOR: Do you have my pizza?

submitted 88 days ago • 8 comments

Everyone knows "eXamine Your Zipper" but in fact the whole alphabet is good for this: Undies Visible, Warning Quick! Reliably Shut Trousers A Beautiful Cock—Doesn't Exactly Feel Great How It Just Kinda Looms Majestically iN Our Peripheral

submitted 88 days ago • 0 comments