turdfartlet.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Wife: Promise not to overreact tonight. Me: I promise. Waiter: Sorry, but we're out of the blooming onion. Me: More like Outback Mistakehouse. Wife: What did I just say??

submitted 2 hours ago • 0 comments

sees Bluesky being buggy "Ah shit, guess I gotta actually be productive."

submitted 3 hours ago • 0 comments

[Jeopardy] Host: This Hozier song insists you take him somewhere Me: rubbing belly What is, "Take Me to Lunch"? Host: Correct! Other Contestant: No it's not! The song is called "Take Me to Church"! Host: Why would he go to church for lunch? Me: Yeah those wafers taste like ass!

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

Is there a clown hierarchy? Are circus clowns more powerful than party clowns? Is there a clown king? Could there be a clown coup?

submitted 14 hours ago • 1 comment

coworker: you should try my therapist me: i’m unimpressed with their work tbh

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

Me: Hold me back! Hold me back! Crippling Depression: Aight.

submitted 15 hours ago • 0 comments

being loaded into the target chamber of a nuclear fusion reactor "I can't believe I scored front row seats!"

submitted 15 hours ago • 0 comments

When you order your burger "animal style" a guy in a gorilla costume comes out the back and kicks the absolute shit out of you. You then tip him $5.

submitted 17 hours ago • 0 comments

My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

submitted 1 day ago • 31 comments

What if we kissed under the collapse of Western civilization?

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

Me: walks like duck, talks like a duck, starts a fight at a screening of the Minecraft movie like a duck, requests extension on taxes like a duck

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

Waiter: Please say "when" you've had enough cheese. Me: Haha "wheen" like "weiner" like "dong"! Waiter: breaks parm wheel over knee Get the fuck out of my restaurant!

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

I'm racking my brain but only managing bargain bin at best.

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

D&D actually stands for Doofuses and Dinguses

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I'd love to travel the country selling opulent brick and stonefront homes. I'd be adore Tudor salesman.

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Bob Ross: Haha, I sure could go for a "palette" cleanser after all that painting today! Bob Ross picks up his palette and easel, throwing them physically through the studio wall. He flees into the starry night

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

You’re in her DMs. I am her DM. Roll for initiative, loser.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Bob Ross: Haha, I sure could go for a "palette" cleanser after all that painting today! Bob Ross picks up his palette and easel, throwing them physically through the studio wall. He flees into the starry night

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I emerge from my forge, glistening with sweat, and soot staining my blacksmith's apron. I show you a plastic Zelda figurine I just made on a 3D printer. It's unclear why I'm sweaty and sooty.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

I'd love to travel the country selling opulent brick and stonefront homes. I'd be adore Tudor salesman.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

My therapist told me to ‘visualize success.’ So I pictured myself crying in a nicer car.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

sits down backwards in chair crushing my balls Hey guys, if you're not following @chequemeout.bsky.social then honestly what the fuck are you even doing on here? He's almost at 2K so let's get him there!!

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Joker Tree can't hurt you it's not real Joker Tree:

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mfw i see a plant

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The Predator lounging in the breakfast nook, idly stirring a piping hot mug of blood. On the wall, there's a human skull tastefully adorned with the motto "Eat Prey Love".

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Petition to rebrand "Good Old Boys" to "Shitty Old Fucks".

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

She’s a ten, but she waits until she’s on the carpet to throw up

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Grandma: Goats see? I like goats. I want to see goats! Me: Grabdma no!!!

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I'm a heavy sleeper collapses into a neutron star

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Double D seems excited about something he found deep in the scrap yard last night. He won't show anyone, not even you. Just keeps going on about "ionized gas" and "muzzle velocity".

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

If you found a perfectly cooked/shelled hard-boiled egg on the floor of a cave would you eat it?

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Jesus: Hey babe I'm back from the cave! Peter: Uhhhh Judas: walks out in only a towel Hey I think you're out of conditionerrr hey buddy! Wasn't expecting to see you again. Jesus: Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot today.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Driving through the South be like: <place named after Confederate general> then immediately <place named after Union general> It’s like toxic old man yaoi: civil war edition

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

"Banner day for the haters," I sigh as the torpedoes close in...

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Saying some rocks are gneiss and being corrected that they're actually granite is the geology version of Updog.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Please do not call me "Lazy Bones". My bones have no agency of their own.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

When I turn my new bidet on, the lights in the bathroom flicker like they're holding on for dear life. That's probably normal and nothing to worry about, right?

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

I'll 69 pretty much whatever but yeah that too.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments