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enabled enabler laziest perfectionist assuming final form "He's not that popular. He has no friends." -Stan Lee ʲᵒʰⁿ ¹⁹⁶⁸ ʰᵉᐟᵗʰᵉʸ ᴾᴺᵂ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃʸ ᵗᵒᵒᵐᵉᵗᵃ
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that FL sheriff fella saying "We will kill you" hits lil'diff today

“A deranged maniac impersonated a police officer and killed lawmakers but if you’re an immigrant be sure you immediately comply with plain clothes people who won’t identify themselves telling you to get in a van”, what a fuckin country

search your heart, you know it's whack

everything the monkey's paw af

hey siri set reminder to "enjoy things"

get that shit flowin’ Sierra Mist blowin’

No more sidewalks, it’s time to hit the streets.

Music clears the static noise from my cluttered mind.

MN PD playing the realest game of Amongus right now

Someone online once said I wasn’t funny. I told my mom and she said they were just jealous. Case closed.

repeating my typo to myself like i'm chanting a rosary in a film while the killer is putting an axe thru my door

*puts Jason back in the attic

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board PSYCHOLOGIST: i’m a doctor FLIGHT ATTENDANT: no we need a medical doctor PSYCHOLOGIST: *clicks pen* and how does that make you feel

i ordered starbucks at work today & i was waiting outside my company’s door for the delivery person & i see a guy coming towards me w a bag so i grab it & say “hi is this for kim?” & he grabs it back & says no it’s my lunch so i look up and it’s one of the attorneys i work with so i have to quit now

pulling up to the deli counter with a crisp bill like gimme twenty bucks worth

my teenage nieces watching my IG stories instructing them to punch a cop

believe them when they tell you

the bhup-a-dee of your bop-a-doh-bo is deafening 🐹

A little song, a little dance, the most sincerest apologies in advance

Shyly LaBoof

Take an enchilada or just an enchalittle, whatever you need

an overabundance of 'do not want'

whipper? I hardly even snapper

HARRY: "Watermelon sugar high, watermelon sugar high Watermelon sugar high, watermelon sugar high Watermelon sugar" *on the phone WATERMELON SUGAR: "Yes Harry, I hear you, can you hear me?"

and just when we needed them the most, they were gone

I'm angry that heading to a protest in America today means accepting a high risk of injury or death

We can’t all be jackasses on the internet at the exact same time or can we

ok so one more time around did not do it now what chris cornell

I’m allergic to cats but still celebrate this holy day

FUCK IT, WE BALL. (I’m gonna rewatch “Paddington 2” at 1am.)

people are not the worst but they can be the wurst with a medium grind

who up making that Posse Comitatus

"you have started to look cruel in pictures" is some shakespearean shit

lord grant me the serenity to buss it

SO WHERE WERE THE SPIDERS? *Ziggy pats pockets as if checking for keys*

Vinegar doesn’t get enough credit for all the magic it does on cucumbers, and yes, other vegetables too, but mainly cucumbers, gosh, would you let me finish?

there are so many weird and wonderful things in the world entirely because of Japan and I am very thankful for this ᵈᵒᵐᵒ ʸᵒ

fellas got it pretty easy, why back in my day, we had to deal with the Wrangler, who was one tough customer, let me tell you, and one thing you could count on was the Wrangler knowing what he likes when he sees it (ooh) and one thing he liked was busting that creepy-ass little buddy lee jeans fkr

and iiieeeii had a feeling that i belonged iiieeeii had a feeling i could be someone be someone, be someone

danger high travoltage

instead of only just taco trucks on every corner we could mix it up maybe a noodle truck and a gyro truck and an empanada truck and a soup dumplin' truck and an Indian curry burrito and samosa truck and a waffle truck and a corn dog truck and a patisserie truck with cinnamon croissanughtnuts and cof

When BigXthaPlug said “Ay?” I felt it

According to business needs to bite me.

Pommel that horse, your honor