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unfitz.bsky.social
Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Dry clean only. He/him Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
8,650 posts 18,221 followers 2,407 following
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Posts 44 Comments 5

How to fold laundry: 1. Remove from dryer while still warm 2. Place in laundry basket 3. Pour drink 4. Consider the allure of wrinkles

submitted 9 hours ago • 6 comments

moo deng for pontiff campaign starts now alert the conclave

submitted 4 hours ago • 6 comments

Still punk as fuck, I murmur as I download a new weather app

submitted 18 hours ago • 18 comments

Stay humble by listening to a recording of your own voice.

submitted 15 hours ago • 19 comments

I started to count the ways I love thee, but I only got like six or seven so maybe this can be a qualitative study.

submitted 9 hours ago • 3 comments

I'm swilling port like a butler who had a rough day at the races.

submitted 9 hours ago • 0 comments

Clearly, things had not worked out the way that Ronald had hoped.

submitted 10 hours ago • 17 comments

After his escape Boba Fett left bounty hunting and is now a motivational speaker. His book, "What's sarlaccing in your life?" is a best seller.

submitted 265 days ago • 2 comments

"that's a nasty habit you've got there" i declare, as i goose Sister Agatha

submitted 11 hours ago • 2 comments

Either an ice pack leaked in the freezer or a Smurf met a violent end inside of it. I’ve called in a forensics unit.

submitted 15 hours ago • 3 comments

Will shitpost for dopamine hit

submitted 9 hours ago • 1 comment

Love to just ruin my family’s day by opening my arms wide like Maria von Trapp while my voice swells as I say, “I feel a song coming on!”

submitted 15 hours ago • 2 comments

She's a tin, but she's from New Zealand

submitted 15 hours ago • 6 comments

Walked through a spider web. Counting it as a workout.

submitted 8 hours ago • 9 comments

People mouths feel weird in dreams

submitted 12 hours ago • 13 comments

I don’t drink coffee to give me energy, I drink it to keep me out of jail

submitted 20 hours ago • 18 comments

Priest: he was best known for inventing the jack in a box, and now a short musical interlude Pallbearer: *starts winding a tiny handle on the side of the coffin*

submitted 11 hours ago • 10 comments

Be malleable, like squishy clay. Eww. Not like that, Gerald. Jesus.

submitted 22 hours ago • 1 comment

It's fine because I'm on holiday: - having a beer at 6am - eating 6000 calories per meal - walking around town without a top on - petty theft - small murders

submitted 20 hours ago • 3 comments

a flotilla but it's just a bunch of styrofoam plates with nachos on them floating around me in the indoor pool

submitted 12 hours ago • 4 comments

i got stung by a radioactive bee i can't fly or make honey, but my knees look fucking spectacular

submitted 12 hours ago • 7 comments

I just thought that maybe we could hold hands and walk down the path of happiness for a while

submitted 18 hours ago • 7 comments

I can’t think of anyone I’d rather drive off a cliff with than you.

submitted 18 hours ago • 5 comments

If any of my dude friends drop acid I say "imagine if squirrels ate OUR nuts" and then abandon them in the woods.

submitted 15 hours ago • 2 comments

Peter Cetera: I am the man Judge: uh ok Peter Cetera: who will fight Judge: not in this court Peter Cetera: for your honor Judge: [swoon] aww

submitted 15 hours ago • 0 comments

I understand just enough Spanish to know that these guys at the carwash really like my outfit. Or my omelet.

submitted 14 hours ago • 3 comments

"Severed," but for family functions only.

submitted 19 hours ago • 8 comments

Make sure to tell someone else how to discipline their child today. Parents love that.

submitted 18 hours ago • 1 comment

If covid was a conspiracy by Big Sweatpants to get me to only wear sweatpants for the rest of my life then congratulations to the most goated conspiracy of all time

submitted 15 hours ago • 5 comments

You have no idea what kind of fantasies lurk in my heart and mind

submitted 14 hours ago • 10 comments

Pat: Hit me with your best shot. Me: Really? Pat: Fire away. Me: I did not expect amateur archery league to be like this.

submitted 14 hours ago • 1 comment

Friend: Are you growing your hair out? Me: Honestly I have no idea. I never thought I'd live this long

submitted 73 days ago • 13 comments

If I had any I would call my bangers feed bangers a gongers get it onners

submitted 16 hours ago • 6 comments

if I wanted your opinion, I'd have ripped off the duct tape

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Well, my eggs haven't arrived yet, so I think we have our answer.

submitted 15 hours ago • 11 comments

any diver can drown but only a muff diver can drown in pussy . hi! im Neil deGrasse Tyson & im here to tell you about science or something

submitted 16 hours ago • 8 comments

opened this and it was just a Bluesky invite code and a pack of Parliaments???

submitted 16 hours ago • 23 comments

I'm just a wolf who's intentions are good oh lord please don't let me eat Red Riding Hood

submitted 16 hours ago • 27 comments

sometimes you need to wear that old concert t-shirt to remind yourself of a time when you made out with a sexy stranger while thumping music coursed through your veins instead of focusing on how you have to buy more stool softeners

submitted 16 hours ago • 9 comments

Life is like a box of frogs: There are some frogs in it

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

A shitpost so bad your mom shares it on Facebook

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl at Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

submitted 15 hours ago • 6 comments

What’s your favorite Van Halen song saying there’s no way you can stop me now as fine as you are? I’ll wait

submitted 19 days ago • 2 comments

Delta planes Hooters bankruptcy 🤝 No more wings

submitted 17 hours ago • 0 comments