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woodyb.bsky.social
Fart joke enthusiast and overall ass butt. 🧻 I also play 🎸 and 🎙️ in Adrenalin; a Denver Pop/punk band. 🗿🤖👽👾
75 posts 4,255 followers 169 following
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Posts 48 Comments 2

Make sure your tray tables are stowed for takeoff and landing, otherwise the wings won't work

submitted 22 days ago • 6 comments

Cop: First name please... "Frida" Cop: Last name... "Gomam" Cop: You're Frida Gomam? *peels out* Cop: Nice, nice

submitted 645 days ago • 2 comments

*gets last year’s girlfriend out of the attic*

submitted 14 days ago • 1 comment

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

submitted 15 days ago • 6 comments

Me hanging out with my friends.

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

I’ve once again electrocuted myself by tongue-moistening my fingers before turning the page of my electronic reader.

submitted 13 days ago • 3 comments

interviewer: how are your listening skills? me: absolutely

submitted 44 days ago • 35 comments

Carrie Underwood is the Tanya Harding of country music

submitted 45 days ago • 3 comments

told the janitor at work i think the bills can win the super bowl this year and came back to my desk to find a high powered fan blowing the “fumes out of my office”

submitted 44 days ago • 7 comments

my lifestyle choices dictate that i only run if i'm being chased & only dance if i'm being tased

submitted 45 days ago • 4 comments

I’m studying the drone footage I have of your house and you really need to use more indigenous plants in your yard you’re wasting a frightening amount of water

submitted 281 days ago • 11 comments

*crunching Doritos during a meditation*

submitted 47 days ago • 3 comments

"It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." - Fuck you

submitted 45 days ago • 4 comments

I am popular with Sarah_[emoji] today!

submitted 46 days ago • 0 comments

HER: I’d have sex with any guy at this point! ME: I’m ANY guy!!! HER: Sorry no, you’re THAT guy!

submitted 46 days ago • 2 comments

[gets to work 10 minutes early] Hello, I was promised worms.

submitted 46 days ago • 6 comments

[at a museum] Me: This piece really speaks to me. Docent: Sir, that's the emergency evacuation map.

submitted 544 days ago • 4 comments

Daughter: daddy! there's a monster under my bed and it grabbed my feet! Me: [turning to son] buddy... were you just under your sister's bed? Son: yes Me: ok did you see any monsters under there

submitted 49 days ago • 3 comments

coworker: where should we go for lunch me: how about (forgets the name for subway) sandwich benihana

submitted 49 days ago • 0 comments

son: what does I-D-G-A-F spell? me: I Don't Give A Fuck son: fine, I'll ask mom

submitted 49 days ago • 0 comments

Have you tried pooping your pants about it?

submitted 51 days ago • 1 comment

People who like your post but don’t repost it are like parents who support you, but not enough to brag to the other parents.

submitted 50 days ago • 43 comments

Baby kangaroos started to be called Joeys in honor of Joey Heatherton’s 1972 Australian tour, before that they were called Brians

submitted 54 days ago • 28 comments

[bookstore] ME: do you have any books about the study of plants? CLERK: botany? ME: no that's why I'm here

submitted 52 days ago • 8 comments

No thanks, crypto guy, all my money's tied up in Forever stamps

submitted 197 days ago • 9 comments

*completing an online dating profile whilst idly changing the cataloguing of my collection of toenail clippings from age to size order* question: any eccentricities? me: *shrugging* absolutely not

submitted 360 days ago • 1 comment

Trying to draw famous bald men to cheer up a sick friend, even though I can’t draw. Anyway here’s The Rock.

submitted 54 days ago • 30 comments

Me: can you grab my flip flops from the closet? Him: these? Me: those are my gym shower flip flops Him: these? Me: backyard flip flops Him: these? Me: camping flip flops Him: these? Me: UGH WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED FOR YOU

submitted 54 days ago • 14 comments

AUSTRALIAN VENTRILOQUIST: *throws voice but it comes back*

submitted 55 days ago • 1 comment

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

submitted 55 days ago • 6 comments

Actually, Satan, today would be a great day...

submitted 55 days ago • 1 comment

Sorry i called your vagina the Bermuda Triangle

submitted 55 days ago • 8 comments

[Galilee AD17, around dinner time] Mary: you are not going out until your room’s tidy Jesus: aw mom, dad said I can be messy Joseph: nice try son, I said you may well be the Messiah but you can still clean your room Jesus: I hate you, you’re not even my real dad!

submitted 54 days ago • 4 comments

teacher: what does “agnostic” mean? me: I don’t know teacher: correct! how about “ambivalent”? me: *shrug* teacher: yes! how about “nihilistic”? me: what difference does any of this make? teacher: amazing

submitted 606 days ago • 8 comments

For the virtual church service this morning, you don't even need to wash that cum from your hair

submitted 54 days ago • 1 comment

[january 1, 0001] joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar? mary: um, no idea

submitted 73 days ago • 7 comments

Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

SCROOGE: *out the window* you there boy! what day is it GUY ON THE STREET: who you callin boy motherfucker TINY TIM: yeah shut your billionaire mouth asshole

submitted 65 days ago • 4 comments

*you're

submitted 57 days ago • 4 comments

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

submitted 65 days ago • 36 comments

Eating a single piece of celery: look at me I'm losing weight

submitted 57 days ago • 2 comments

“Hey, I’m Luke’s Uncle Owen, and I dress similarly to others here on Tatooine.” “And I’m Luke’s Aunt Beru. I wear a jean jacket over a butterfly collar blouse and look like an extra from the Partridge Family.”

submitted 263 days ago • 18 comments

Your honor, he sent me the exact same meme I already sent him a couple days prior

submitted 86 days ago • 16 comments

I've won way less shopping sprees than I expected to as a child

submitted 57 days ago • 6 comments

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: crime

submitted 57 days ago • 8 comments

What kind of poetry do stoned pigeons write? High coos.

submitted 81 days ago • 213 comments

OK guys. My New Year's resolution is to stop making All The Small Things song parody jokes. [January 1] HER: What are you making? Eggs Benedict? ME: 🎶 SO HERE'S YOUR HOLLANDAISE

submitted 394 days ago • 0 comments

Attention, please, gentlemen

submitted 57 days ago • 5 comments