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xanadeas.bsky.social
30s He/They Demi-ish 18+ Only I'm a furry and been in the fandom most of my life. I love video games, comics, animation, and of course art.
907 posts 441 followers 541 following
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C.W.: Hyper, Sheath And now, you can see him in ALL HIS GLORY. @booneyard.bsky.social, of course, doing an amazing job with these versions as well ♥ #MilesOfComms
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I know no one will read this. no one ever does. but I have to say it. I have to say SOMETHING. if anyone can help me please. even just being there... listening. please help. I'm so scared and alone.
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how can /I/ as one broken man do anything to fix any of this when I can't even fix myself. I don't want to die but sometimes I think it's the only way I have out. it scares me so much. the possibility that I might just cease to exist after I die. but at least I wouldn't hurt anymore. not like this.
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and then to top all that off I look out at the world and my heart just sinks. I see hate and bigotry, violence, murder, genocide. I see people just like me dying every day. Losing more and more of our rights to tyranny. I'm so scared. how can my life ever get better when things are like this?
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people tell me what they think will help. go to the gym, lose weight, just go outside, just be around people. make friends, become sociable. as if I can just flip a switch and be a regular human being. but I can't. I can't do that. I try so hard to force myself and that just makes me feel worse.
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people think I'm lazy. that I'm stupid. that I don't care about anything. But I do care. I'm not lazy. I'm just so bone weary from struggling every single day with pain and fear that I can't DO anything. that I can't BE a person.
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she screams at me, berates me, questions every decision I make. repeats instructions to me like I'm a child that can't understand basic concepts. I've spent so much of my time just trying to stay alive in these conditions that I no longer have the ability to function like others.
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and another chunk is that what little direct human contact I do have is also negative. my family either completely ignores my existence or outright hates my guts. my mother says she loves me but then turns around to guilt trip me into the ground.
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I desperately need help and I don't know what that entails. I know getting away from where I am would help but I'm afraid it wouldn't be enough. I know a huge chunk of what's harming me is the sheer loneliness and isolation.
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constantly remembering all the people who intentionally hurt me. who harmed me in ways I can barely describe. the things I've been through in my life won't fit in the character limit of these posts. I feel like I'm just irreparably broken. and it's just hurting other people.
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I've been playing a LOT of mtg:a and brawl (scuffed commander) and god... some of these people need a life. go outside and touch some grass instead of building a blue control deck. or fucking eldrazi
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...oh. I'm the dad friend. huh.