Etiquette q: how many times should you reach out to a friend with whom you always had a balanced relationship if you know they’re going through serious shit but aren’t responding to texts?
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As someone who has gone through some truly rough patches, as many times as you think of them and hope they are well and have the capacity to do so. And then, if/when they apologize and respond, accept it with grace. Continuing to hear from folks even when I couldn't respond helped me dig out
When post partum hit, I had a friend from college who texted every week or two for months with no response from me. We weren't constant communicators beforehand. But the little nudges made me feel safe to reach out and mea culpa when I had found my grounding again.
I think every couple months with a "just thinking of you and would love to talk whenever you have bandwidth" is great. Having been deep in the hole, it was nice to know people cared even if I was incapable of responding. I know not everyone feels that way, but I think should be our bias for friends.
Every morning with a simple message of caring. "Thinking of you today. Here if you want to talk."
"Thought you might enjoy this pic I took of this tree from my walk."
FWIW, one of the worst regrets of my adult life was worrying too much about imposing on a friend who I knew valued his privacy. I wish I'd erred in the other direction.
If they’re not answering texts, I’d personally give them a call (and I say this as someone for whom an unannounced phone call is essentially a hostile act).
Had an issue like this recently, and I messaged in a way that did not require a response as to not put pressure on them, they told me much later in a response they were very grateful for the messages and just the noise from people that cared helped enormously be it they couldn't speak in that moment
I wouldn't dare suggest a rule for this to you, the idea that you are empathic enough to care Elizabeth, and contact this person would suggest to me you are doing the right thing and will do the right thing. After no contact I started to share things in relation to them, light/positive/amusing.
Last spoke day after Trump election. Have texted twice since. We live in different cities and would often go quite a few months without chatting. But were close when we chatted.
Folks are going through a lot right now. I'd maybe say "Hey, I know you're going through a lot, just know I'm here if you need a kind ear, no need to respond." I generally say the last phrase to create a boundary and show respect. It usually gets a heart/ like... and eventually a response.
I have a friend like this too and she's suffered for years. I send kid/dog pics once a month at least, tell her I love her, and say whenever she's free to give me a ring if she needs to unload or just talk about stupid stuff. She responds when she can and has told me she likes getting my texts.
I think if you're truly reaching out for their sake you can reach out as much as you want, but the polite thing to do is say explicitly that there is no expectation for them to respond.
I’ve said that the two times I’ve reached out to her. Not so much a matter of what I want, we’ve often gone several months at a time without talking. Worried about her.
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As with most emotionally mature situations, context is important.
If you have plenty to give without being harmed by it, more could be beneficial to them. But harmful to you.
The healthiest option is to #unite for all life.
#PetitionForParity
"Thought you might enjoy this pic I took of this tree from my walk."
That you're patient.
That friendship can wait.