Not enough women see homophobia in men as a massive waving red flag 🚩 and it shows. The bigotry displayed should not be positively reinforced by continuing to date these men.
It is wrong.Her boyfriend was abusive. His behavior could have resulted in a person killing themselves.I want some family members to put aside a trama so I* can have them both.That is my issue.But how loving would I be?No asking the victim to force a trigger during his own celebration is selfish.
True, but more accurately where people ask strangers to get into their business and validate their actions. Which if they told the homophobe to get bent were objectively correct.
I wouldn’t want this guy around either, not after 5 months went by without an apology or bridges built. Nobody should be expected to allow a bully into an event for close friends, unless the bully has actually made amends first.
His “best” friend is dating a guy who wished he us unalive? That’s very different from not uncomfortable or not understanding, especially after hearing the boyfriend still feels that way?!!! Unless there is a direct apology & an effort to move forward, it’s asking to bring a Yahtzee to a barmitzvah.
Wait a minute… I needed time to think about this… A straight guy joins a theater club and has an overt issue with gay people… Let that sink in… I think he does protest too much.
Because a lot of times I feel people who tell you to be "the bigger person" they mean, eat more shit and don't complain about it because I think you have no right to your feelings.
I would be asking the F friend whether she felt her BF was respecting her choice of friends. If someone could not accept my close friends, I could not be with them.
Maybe she thinks it is some form of immersion therapy. “See, they’re ok, none of them want to violate you in the bushes. Aren’t these decorations great?!?!” Intent over reality doesn’t work.
I support their choice to not invite him. Since he’s still that way a month before the celebration, then he’s still toxic. I would almost push away that “friend” too. Toxic people can spread their toxic views to others.
I'm not reading that because the headline makes it sound like quite a delicate and frustrating situation, which might be described as "ragebait". I hope the people facing this dilemma had caring people in their orbit and that a good resolution was achieved. Thanks for posting this, George.
I dumped a couple of acquaintances over their attitude to my brother in law and his partner. As a wise old man once told me "where people point their plumbing is none of your business unless it's pointing at you", That was 50 years ago so fairly surprising for a guy who grew up in the 1920s.
If he's afraid of gays,then he isn't going to have a good time anyway. Let him take some large guns and red meat into a strip club or whatever it is homophobic guys do to drown out their latent attraction to dick.
Maybe this is just me, but it seems the best way to engage a homophobic man would be to involve him in a gathering of people that included friends or family who are gay. We're all just people.
A study of racism showed people who were generally racist carved out exceptions for "others" they knew.
It's absolutely okay, in my opinion, for the gay friend to stand-up to his old female friand and say no to her homophobic bf coming to a party. My novel deals with homophobia for young adult readers https://www.amazon.com/7-Days-at-Hot-Corner/dp/0060574941
I question how much of a friend this young woman is if she's knowingly sleeping with the guy who bullied her BFF and not only doesn't care, but wants to force that relationship back on the victim. It may be time to reevaluate the nature of this friendship.
My initial thought is F that homophobe creep. But then again, get the guy into a situation where he meets (and has fun with) a bunch of lbgtq people, and all of a sudden those “others” become humans. It’s hard to dislike a person when they have a face, humor, hopes and dreams.
Most homophobic people have never personally meet a gay person, their views on homosexuality are based on what other homophobic claim is their view. Personally I would want a homophobic person to join an LGBT event, let them build their own knowledge instead of relying on hateful people to build it
Yet how many events has the host been asked to stay home or not say anything because the other people are not comfortable with the whole gay thing. Ridiculous.
It's not very 'tolerant' for the 'tolerant left' to not be inviting and open minded to people who want them dead.
It's as bad as Jews discriminating against Nazis.
Look. The world has gone nuts and I don't want to be left out here all by myself. I'll turn the light out.
This situation is BACKWARDS. If the bully wants to prove he has changed and wants to be part of OP's life, he should be willing to put in the work and build that trust to maybe get an invite. Not demand it. Why is this even an AITA for OP? Should be AITA for the boyfriend.
The question that stands out for me is why would a homophobic guy want to go to a gay couples celebratory dinner in the first place, and more to the point why would his girlfriend be making an issue out of it?
A homophobe in drama class who ends up in a relationship with a known fruit-fly and has beef with a specific gay? This boy is deep in the closet and is fighting his feelings for the poster.
Why bring the female friend then at all? It's like the Cheryl Hines thing.... like she acts normal but she can't be married to RFK jr and be absolutely completely normal herself.
I question how she even ended up with this guy knowing this dark side of him. It isn’t a “chew with his mouth open” type of thing. This young man deserves love and safety within his group. For her to expect him to bend to allow her bf to come is selfish.
I once had a friend and colleague who dated a homophobic guy. She was quite pressed when I didn't invite him anywhere, even after he said he was worried he'd cause relationship problems between me and my partner, because he was so hot and muscular. (Spoiler, he wasn't hot.)
Reminds me of one of my favorite TMBG songs “Your Racist Friend”. . . ‘You can’t shake the devils hand and say you’re only kidding’. https://youtu.be/v4_COOh4VXw
Definitely ok to not invite him. And if she says she’s not going because of that, she’s turned her loyalties away her long time friend. OP definitely isn’t the AH. She is.
It’s a celebration for the people who have been there thru thick and thin. The boyfriend was not, therefore he has no place there. She can either come be with the other supporters and celebrate or she can stay home with her boyfriend. But the boyfriend should never have a place at the table. Ever.
Why would the other guy want to come to the party, anyway? The girl isn’t acting very mature, I think. She should just go alone. But then, we only have part of the story.
I found the following comment accurate, it is the psychology of a lot of women. “The programming straight women receive to stand by their man is waaay too strong and wins out all the time when it shouldn’t”. Had to cope with this recently with a sister who changed bc of her new conservative husband.
I suppose there's multiple ways to look at this. I grew up in a very racist, homophobic, white supremacist home. Carried this into early adulthood due to how I was raised and to religious affiliation. I was fortunate enough to meet diverse people with various backgrounds and it changed me.
I think the difference in this case is the person has evidence that the boyfriend has not evolved and is still homophobic. Its his celebration and not his responsibility to educate the boyfriend.
That's the other way to look at it, but character limits on here make it hard to form a full thought. Lol. Not everyone is like me. They have no desire to question their beliefs and have little capacity for introspection, probably because they don't like admitting they're part of a problem.
If these people had shut me out because of my beliefs, the cycle would likely have continued. But through their friendship and a willingness to have my beliefs challenged, I realized how I was raised wasn't how I wanted to be defined. If I could change, maybe there's hope for that guy too.
True, but in this case the homophobe was the poster’s actual bully and abuser- asking him to invite this guy specifically to this event (celebrating his survival) is a bit much. Homophobe can maybe get to know gays he didn’t yet terrorize?
Admittedly, I had stuff going on and didn't have time to read the article, so I probably should've held my comment for later. After reading, you are definitely correct. I was homophobic, but not to the extreme of bullying like this guy. He doesn't deserve to be there and neither does the "friend."
Who would invite someone to a celebratory dinner who hates you? And doesn't even hate you for any real reason or specific personal interaction, but simply because of who you are?
It's not just about homophobia. I think anyone who has been bullied badly enough would have difficulty inviting or even allowing their abuser to be present at their celebratory function.
She chose the bigoted boyfriend over her friend. Not even a question just be their when that bigot betrays her because he will.
I never turned on my friends but found out my ex was a bigot after I married he betrayed & abused me.
Bigots don't just hurt others they hurt their own from lack of control
The celebratory couple first of all have the absolute decision to allow or deny this individual from their function. If the individual is remorseful then they have to prove a case for them attending. If they are still homophonic then it's simply foolish to even entertain going.
Maybe not a dinner but a meetup? Sometimes people have their opinions out of fear or conditioning. Spend some time with a beautiful person who happens to be gay and maybe the judgment might budge a little.
Jeez, why would anybody block, unfriend, or mute somebody on social media? I would say it is more important to do this in real life. Life if too short.
A dinner in your honor means all guests must be oked by you. This objection is exactly correct. Wotta clueless person she must be to even allow it to become an issue.
Why would the boyfriend even want to go? So he can do his performance of disapproval and annoy the hell out of everyone?why would the girlfriend want to bring him? Because her being seen with a man is more important than the enjoyment of the ,happy to be there, guest?
It's ok now. Obama normalized homosexuality, which probably cost us Roe V Wade. The insipid political warfare goes on. Abolish the presidency altogether, and create a voter responsive Executive Presidential Council with the 29th amendment.
Why in the world would I invite someone who knowingly and publicly is weird about the very thing I'm celebrating - I have a right to be surrounded by positive, supportive people who I trust @ my celebration. The friend has screwed priorities and a failed relationship around the bend.
Vice President Mr Pence. Refused. To meet with the Irish Taoiseach. Prime Minister of Ireland of Indian Ancestry. His father married an Irish Girl. He is also Married to a Man. Which by the way is Legal in Ireland. Alone without his Wife being in the Room
At the Whitehouse.
🇮🇪🇪🇺
Nope, she believes her personal martyrdom heals all. She may be happy sacrificing herself to his perceived superiority, but that doesn’t mean you should. Martyrs can make good friends if you decide to martyr yourself too.
He seems to be in his early 20s, high school wasn't that long ago for him. Expecting him to get over school bullying that quickly so you can bring your boyfriend to dinner is not only asking a lot of him, but shows you have no empathy for how deeply the scars of bullying can run.
No, no that guy needs to have close knit social interaction with gays in order to perhaps begin his desensitization. LGTB’s are not creatures from another planet. They are human beings. The preemptive exclusion confirms bias. Prejudice=pre-judging. I’m heterosexual in case that even matters to you.
No. Its not the job of people the hatemongers bully to suffer their presence and abuse on the vanishingly tiny chance they can "fix" them. Cut them out entirely, and live a happier life.
If you want to "fix" the bigots, spend your own time, effort, and patience.
You're demanding the emotional labor of people being abused, for the benefit of that abuser.
I grew up in a homophobic community. I had the same messages drilled into me. But when Matthew Shepherd was murdered, I saw what was at stake, and chose to be better. I'm not special. No excuses. Be better.
I’m guessing you have never asked an obnoxious guest to leave your house before. Let’s play a scenario, what would you do if a guest shows up with a second that, unbeknownst to you or anyone else, turns out to be outwardly hostile to gays as the event progresses?
You'd guess wrong. The boys and I make it very clear that they can walk out on their own power, or be thrown out the hard way. It's worked swimmingly on abusive ex boyfriends of my sister and her friends over the years, and will work on nasty homophobes insulting my guests just the same.
Glass half-full here: there's a difference between ignorance and bigotry. Maybe by exposing homophobe to lovely company he could see the error of his ways.
If the “homophonic” friend wanted to attend, maybe they aren’t homophonic anymore? Or, maybe they wanted to make amends to their foolish mindset? Maybe having them attend the event would have helped them? Give people a chance.
Invite your friend. If she is so insensitive to bring her b/f so be it. Do you think he'd actually come? If he's changed he might learn something about gays he didn't know, if he hasn't your friend might find out something about him she didn't know. Either way you're in the clear. Be the bigger man.
NTA - Why would she still be with the bully after learning about his behavior? Telling her friend that he should have died should be a deal breaker in her relationship. Demanding they both attend a celebration of survival is unacceptable.
It's a celebration of this guy surviving, a friend expecting you to invite someone who said that they wished you hadn't survived is no longer a friend.
I am confused. Is the homophobia wrong(yes) or the not inviting?(also yes). It isn't like the homophobe is being punished. If he was invited and showed up, he would have the experience of attending a gay wedding and possibly move the conversation forward.
There is a huge difference from having an opinion on something and being against human rights. The woman should be ashamed of herself. I don’t understand how people just be tolerating hate in relationships. Shit is a turn-off.
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Frankly, the bully sounds jealous and not at all changed. She should demand he apologize and if he refuses, she will know he didn’t change.
They are toxic.
None of our business, and friendships are not permanent, so she has her choice to make.
Again, none of our business.
Am I perceptive or what.
Friendships are a two way street without commitment.
Got that? good!
His party/His rules!
(Oh, and violence, abuse, and a load of other stuff but you get my point).
Why invite someone unpleasant?
My GF didn't invite her sister or anybody else cept me. Sister came , with hubby & cat, (cat was specifically banned), but came anyway.
He is not the asshole. But she and her new BF are definitely.
Any amount of positive energy that can be spread will always be appreciated, but you have to put your own wellbeing first
“Put your own airmask on first before helping others”
-flight attendants
A study of racism showed people who were generally racist carved out exceptions for "others" they knew.
It's as bad as Jews discriminating against Nazis.
Look. The world has gone nuts and I don't want to be left out here all by myself. I'll turn the light out.
Have a great life. It’ll hurt me (celebrating friend) far less than it’s going to hurt you (so-called ally friend).
She coulda keep this all quiet and just stated she had a conflict. People are confused: allyship isn’t transactional; it’s relational!!
SIKE!
I never turned on my friends but found out my ex was a bigot after I married he betrayed & abused me.
Bigots don't just hurt others they hurt their own from lack of control
One is never required to be nice to an abuser.
It is a choice, not easily made or given.
At the Whitehouse.
🇮🇪🇪🇺
2) the person doing the dinner decides who is invited
3) probably more
If you are an ally act like it.
Okay. That opens the place for someone who cares.
To my mind the only choice to be made, is hers alone.
Sadly Hate scars everything it touches and that’s not Ok
If you want to "fix" the bigots, spend your own time, effort, and patience.
I grew up in a homophobic community. I had the same messages drilled into me. But when Matthew Shepherd was murdered, I saw what was at stake, and chose to be better. I'm not special. No excuses. Be better.
No gesture will soften their view, and I'm not here to reeducate assholes
Cut her loose, let her figure it out: that she was never the ally she might have imagined herself to be.
Everyone is making decisions in what LGBTQ people can do. This is one place where they have control
It's a celebration of this guy surviving, a friend expecting you to invite someone who said that they wished you hadn't survived is no longer a friend.