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aligarchy.bsky.social
tv & video game writer, friend to birds 📍 LA | NY
313 posts 3,002 followers 167 following
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brb, Japan

"what are we gonna do" idk bro don't ask me i have a raincoat that's dry clean only

CPAC? you mean the simposium

sometimes i take a nice long walk and end up learning a few things about myself like which plants i like the most or what bird songs i prefer or how 5'3 is the perfect height to get clotheslined by a truck's side view mirror

FYI many of the 'maga FAFO' videos out there are fake. theyre all over TikTok posting about losing food stamps or getting deported and the amount of giddy left accounts falling for it and reposting with THATS WHO YOU VOTED FOR! ffs theyre trolling you. please just do like 5 extra seconds of research

XM '50s radio playing you the old hits of the era with songs like ‘Injun Troubles’ and ‘Pinchin for a Lynchin’ and ‘Let’s Get Married (Even Though You’re Too Young)’

[guy who’s not doing anything] “well this is what i would do instead”

who called them sommeliers and not wineocologists

tried to text 'catch up' but my phone changed it to 'ketchup'. fuckin tomauto correct

Is it a generalization to say that every contestant on The Great British Bake Off is named Simon Tarragon and lives in a cottage with his nan

beware thine farts, full of malice

pregnancy is wild. it's just mixing a few ingredients together and then slow cooking for 9+ months. baking a bundle of cells at a low, steady temperature until it's firm. like meringue

was going for a walk in the cold with my mom and i sent this pic of her to my sister and her response was just "she looks like she's about to do a january 6"

no one: no one at all: absolutely no one: not a single person: nobody ever: me [in my most Ursula voice]: BODY LANGUAAGGGEEEE

what so our bones are just always wet

sometimes you get real high and start writing a post but then can't send it bc you were never really typing it at all but telling it to a lemon

no. do not 'open a dialogue' with me. i know too many species of parrots

it's hard doing comedy for clones. they're only into self-replicating humor

'never let them see you sweat.' also never let them hear you poop. i mean they'll still respect you or whatever but it's gonna be like the first thing they remember

why don't you look me in the eyes and tell me this salad needs fucking raisins

i love being back home at my parents'. my mom just burped me

[9am] i'm so tired [12pm] i'm so tired [3pm] i'm so tired [6pm] i'm so tired [9pm] i'm so tired them: ok so just go to bed now then me: lol what like a loser

you have to do it way more or i will!! don't bother reading the article that's what it says

shoved a finger far up my nose to feel if i have a 'smooth brain'. i do not

The real lesson of Zuckerberg and Musk is that some people are just born with loser stink on them that no amount of wealth or power will ever scrub off

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you're wearing

used the tiktok bold glamour filter on my nearly 76 year old father and he came out like such a chad it made my mom lower her glasses. china can have this data

(returning to present day in my time machine) well looks like you guys were right, none of those babies had the mustache

The Facebook people are here now (derogatory)